New Viruses 2

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

BOBBIT VIRUS Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #1 Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2 Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

ELVIS VIRUS Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

FREUDIAN VIRUS Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

GALLUP VIRUS Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

LAPD VIRUS It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

MCI VIRUS Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

NEW YORK GIANTS VIRUS Makes your P4 machine perform like a 286/AT.

O.J. VIRUS It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/:

PBS VIRUS Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

SEARS VIRUS Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

TED TURNER VIRUS Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

TEXAS VIRUS Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

IRS Joke...


A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."

"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ...and about once a year, they send us a little putz like you.

An older priest was discussing the increasing numbers in the congregation with his young counterpart.

"It worked like a charm," he praised the young priest, "the front of the church pews even fill up first!"

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. That packed the balcony, too."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell!' can't stay on the church roof."

*Kim*

GENDER ROLES

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

SOME GOOD NEWS

The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.

They say the house didn't float very far at all.

The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you at work.

Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show.

The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.

The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.

The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.

Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.

The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.

3 Wishes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''

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Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back

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A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Styl skinnier!

Career Path

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will
be a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.

He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later.
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and took it. Then he picked up the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"He's gonna be a politician!" the father replied.

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

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How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

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A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs.
"Here we go again."



Ok all blonde people here, this are just jokes

The Traffic Stop


A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!" The officer let him go.

Ph00ey!

Applying for a Job at the CIA


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a b*tch to death with the chair!"

A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

JOHN DOE

My name is John Doe.

Driving to my office this morning on Interstate 10. I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was an attractive woman in a brand new Mustang, with her face up next to the rear view mirror putting on her eye makeup. I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eyeliner.

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Krispy Creme out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and the TWINS, ruined the phone and disconnected an important call.

DAMN WOMAN DRIVERS!

Ostrich


A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer." He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please."

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says, "I'llhave a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20," says the bartender.

Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.

"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just
put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.

*^* Webster Updated *^*

Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting sex.

Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido:
All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

A large amount of typing errors are caused by 3 reasons:
1. Carelessness
2. Spelling differences across countries (e.g. color/colour)
3. Nonnative English speakers trying to cope with illogical spelling rules

I now strongly suggest we should try to simplify the language. To try and do this in one attempt could be disastrous, so I think we should phase it in over a 5 year period. My suggestions are as follows, and I hope you will agree.

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. We will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" , so Soup will then be known as Sup and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

zatz hov I got my nik

Military Customer Service

Ever wonder how the trend of replacing human customer service representatives with computers could affect the military. Here's the result. Picture troops under fire, desperately needing artillery support, making a phone call and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling the 26th Division's automated artillery support
request line. Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with
all available resources in the shortest time possible. For air support,
please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW. [In enemy language: If
you are a member of the [enemy country] army, we will not be able to
assist you. Please contact your own army's artillery support request
line at 1-800-DIEYANK]

If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1. If you are
engaged in mobile defense, please press 2. If you are defending a fixed
position, please press 3. If you are setting up a hasty defense or are
about to be overrun, please press 4. If you wish to cancel a prior fire
mission request, please press 5. Press the star key at any time to
return to the main menu.

Please select the type of fire mission you would like. If you would like
81 mm. mortars, please press 1. If you would like 105 mm. howitzers,
please press 2. If you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil
explosives or scattering mines, please press 3 to speak with one of our
soldier advocates. If you would like to request the use of chemical or
nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the line. The Secretary of
Defense will speak with you as soon as possible.

Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike,
followed by the pound sign. Please remember to verify your coordinates
and remember that your request may take several minutes to process.
[Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep] You have entered co-ordinates
323451. If this is correct, please press 1.

Thank you. Please enter your battalion pass-code, followed by the pound
sign. As soon as we verify your pass-code, we will begin processing your
request. If you have forgotten your pass-code, please contact
1-800-WE-FUBAR to get a temporary pass-code. Please enter your passcode
now. [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]

Thank you. [Pause] Your pass-code has been verified and your request
will be processed. We strongly suggest that you and your comrades take
cover as soon as possible. Thank you for using the 26th Division's
artillery request support line.

A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the
desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to
start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50
miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he
saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him. The
rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of
water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said,
"Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through
the desert?"

The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since
he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he
was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking
toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you
doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that
since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's
why he had the bread.

Finally the redneck appeared, dragging a car door through the
sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are
you dragging that car door?"

"Well," said the redneck, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets
too hot, I'll roll down the window."

The Top 14 Signs You're Dead

14> Goth chicks are diggin' your look.

13> "Weekend at Bernie's" just isn't as funny as it used to be.

12> Only necrophiliacs answer your personal ad.

11> A federal agent is prying your gun from your cold hands.

10> Last thing you remember is beaming down to that planet in your red security uniform.

9> An announcer screams, "The Cubs win the World Series!"

8> Haley Joel Osment has been following you all day saying, "I see... you."

7> You're the rankest smelling thing in a Parisian cheese shop.

6> You have a vague recollection of saying, "Watch this! I saw it on 'Jackass'!"

5> Your entrepreneurial son opens you up as a bait shop.

4> Overwhelming desire to feast on the flesh of the living.
(Also a sign you may be Don King.)

3> You're one of the *thin* Kennedys.

2> Anna Nicole Smith is hugging, crying, and kissing you as never before.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Dead...

1> Album sales up 35%!

Blonde lumberjack

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.
"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.

She came back sweating like a pig. ''Christ, how many trees did you cut down?'' asked the foreman.

''6'' she replied.

''What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.

'How many this time?'' asked the foreman.

''12'' she said.

The foreman says, ''That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow morning.''
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ''This is how to cut down trees really quickly.'' He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her what's wrong. She replies, ''What the hell is that?'''

You know she has PMS when she...

stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.

develops a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.

retains more water than Lake Superior.

denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."

buys you a new T-shirt --- with a bulls-eye on the front.

orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.

A church lady's experience:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker."

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back
there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked
my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck
sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt
kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of
the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!