LMAO ph00ey!

Thats a good one!

I slowed the car down, leaned out ofthe window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Hehe

That was a good one, Ph00ey! I think I know that lady too! I've been offline for almost 2 weeks changing isp's, ugh!

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

*Kim*

Old Couple Pulled Over


An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

ACCIDENTAL ACCIDENT REPORTS

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Kimbabe

"How To Know You're Growing Older"

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

You join a health club and don't go.

You decide to procrastinate but then never get around to it.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

You need glasses... to find your teeth.

A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You walk with your head held high trying to get use to your bifocals.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."

You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.

Got Any Duck Food


One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o'clock the doors swing open and a duck walks in.

"Do you have any duck food?" the duck asks.

"No we don't have any duck food."

"Okay, thanks anyway", says the duck, and walks out.

The next day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in.

"Got any duck food?" he asks.

The clerk is a little annoyed "No! We don't have any duck food!"

"Fine." the duck says and walks out.

The third day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks "Got any duck food?"

By now the clerk so getting very annoyed: "No" he yells "We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday don't have any today and we wont have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have
and duck food I'll nail your little web feet to the floor!!!!"

All the duck does is turn and walk out the door.

On the forth day at 2 o'clock the doors swing open and the duck walks in... "Got any nails?" the duck asks.

"No we don't have nails."

"Well then," the duck says "got any duck food?"



Hey! No throwing non-vegetable items!

At Heathrow, a 300-foot red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and
President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen
Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London
where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white
matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking
sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,
all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth
rending, eye smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the
British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland
Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two
dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then
the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains,
"Mr. President, please accept my regrets .... I'm sure you understand that
there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't
give the matter another thought..... You know, if you hadn't said something,
I would have thought it was one of the horses."

hehehe

Here's one


Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!? said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a
tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!*
Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that,
Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!*
flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy.
Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"


*Kim*

Brain Cramps (some old, some new....)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not
live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever,"--Miss Alabama in the 1994
Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life,"--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country,"--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president."--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were
selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another"--George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from
his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore,VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services,
Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go
to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler,
FCC Chairman

....Feeling smarter yet now?

@ #1039 Tell me, does this Emperor of the Rising Sun call his palace the House of the Rising Sun? hehehe

The Deer Hunters

One day at the beginning of the deer hunting season, Chuck was out in the woods with his friend, both their rifles loaded, looking for some game. Then, out of nowhere, a man runs right through their range of fire in a bright orange vest, waving his arms, yelling, "I'm not a deer, I'm not a deer!!!" repeatedly. All of a sudden Chuck's partner fires. "Got one!" he says. "Why'd you kill the man? He was yelling that he wasn't a deer! You should know better than that." "Ohhhhhh" Said Chuck's friend, "I thought he was yelling 'I AM a deer, I AM a deer!'"

Boooooooooooooooo

Science Class


Actual statements from High School test papers

A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm" (instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."

All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.

Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.

Men are mammals and women are femammals.

Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Worst Excuses For Being Late


13) Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy - I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'.

12) I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you're on.

11) We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?

10) It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.

9) I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge.

8) My proctologist got stuck.

7) It was Senator Kennedy's turn to drive today, so I've spent the last hour swimming.

6) I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction.

5) Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're as strung out as I am.

4) Sorry, sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.

3) Heidi Klum refused to untie me.

2) On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-canker
sore gel.

1) I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you -- uh -- this box of ten donuts.

PH00ey!

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
down in the parking lot in the summer heat. The man told his wife to
carry on with the shopping while he would fix the car in the lot. The
wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, bent down, quickly put her
hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. The wife stood
back up, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her
husband who was standing idly by in the crowd of onlookers. The mechanic,
however, had to have three stitches in his forehead!

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction!


....running and ducking!

Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister.

The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known.

Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.

@ 1048!