Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.”
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, “You’re hallucinating, You’ve finally lost your mind.”
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman.
It’s been such a long, long time….So … do you think we should … well … you know … screw her?”
“Out of WHAT?!?” asked the other.
Four men and a woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square.
The first man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, she is slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24″ waist and 34″ hips… When she walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh My God.’”
Po, that is just plain sick. 
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!”
“Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”
“No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!”
“Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. “Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen.”
“Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?”
“Why, eat it! Of course You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!”
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. “Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!”
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, “Father!”
“It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!”
“Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?”
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
“I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch,” she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. ”What are you doing Sister?”
“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner.”
“Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”
“No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.”
“Really? Well in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!”
“Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.”
On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”
“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.
“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, “And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!”
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You Fuckers are my kind of people!”
It's bad enough when it goes down the back of your neck... but that?!?! BRRRR! 
Below Q&A list is posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATM (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (Korea)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Irish Birth Control
Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
She met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'To ye!
Aren't ye
Mrs. Donovan
And di
dn't I marry
ye and
yerHoosband tw0
years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be thereny wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now,I'm going to Rome next
week
And I'll light a fertility candle for yeAnd yer
hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..
Some years later they met againThe Father asked,
'
Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
To blow out yer fookin' candle.'
I found this anonymous article deeply moving
-- I hope you do, too.
Bagpiper at a Funeral
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
Out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
And started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man
Copper Wire
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, Australia’s Northern Territory Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents.Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.
>
> The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
>
> The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.
>
> That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
>
> The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head.. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down..
>
> 10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
>
> The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
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Very funny, Shaunna!!