Do you just rip these off the top of your head or do you have a book on how to do limericks? That last one ... yuck!

Nah, who needs a book?  When I'm in the mood I just peel them off and jot 'em down here.

There was an old codger named Ross

Who said that he couldn't give a toss

'Til one day

Much to his dismay

They caught him tossing his hoss.  

There was a young fellow named Haley

Who had to appear at the Old Bailey

The Judge said to him "Son,"

"You Gotta Pay for What you done,

And you'll scrub out the 'Gents' here twice daily

There was a burly bloke named Hopper

Who was nought but a loud mouthed copper

So early one Day

With a handful of hay

They stuck it in his gob as a stopper.

..........................................................

There was a young man from Penzance

Who put all the girls in a trance

For he'd make them squeal

When he'd reveal

The python he kept in his pants.

.................................................

There was a young man from Bristol.

Who was totally infatuated with Miss Tol

So one day

He asked her to play

And introduced her to his pistol.

I guess you're in the mood, huh.

Yup.....

There was a young lady from Ealing

Who had a peculiar feeling

She laid on her back

Opened a sack

And threw potatoes all over the ceiling.

Have no fear, have a beer 

Have no luck, have a fu** 

There was this bloke named Onklifiziert

Who likes to wear a very short mini skirt

He is so obsessed

With being cross-dressed

That he wears a blouse instead of a shirt.

She is gone 
Leaves are falling down 
The tear maiden will not return 
The seal of oblivion is broken 
And a pure love's been turned into sin 
At the dawn of our living time 
Hope may cover all cries 
Truth lurks hidden in the shadows 
Dreams might be filled with lies 
Soon there will be light 
Pain remains inside 
Suddenly it seemed so clear 
All the blindness was taken away 
She closed her eyes 
And she called out my name 
She was never ever seen again

...and a german one...

Halt Wand'rer, halt 
Geh langsam hier 
Wie du jetzt bist 
So waren wir

Wie wir jetzt sind 
Wirst du bald sein 
Zu folgen uns 
Rüst' du dich fein

There was a young German from Berlin

Who was constantly surrounded by sin

So he thought "what the heck"

And stuck out his neck

To invest in a brothel and gin.

...............................................

There was a young man from New York

Who got some pork on his fork

But his girlfriend was achin'

For him to try out her bacon

And promptly called him a dork.

....................................................

There was a young Dublin lass named O'Dare

Who walked the streets late at night all bare

'Til late one night

When the town crier got a fright

To see her all covered in hair,

......................................................  

There was a young man from Sacrass

Whose balls were made out of brass

They clanked together, in May stormy weather

And lightning shot out of his ass

OUCH!!

There was an earl from Glouster

Who was totally unable to foster

Good airs and graces

And Saving faces

So the good lady of the house he lost her.

...............................................................

The was an old man named Bojangles

Who got himself into terrible tables

So One day he found

His bits n' Pieces on the ground

And that somebody had stood on his dangles

...............................................................

There was a young Yankee named Tame

Whose life he was living in shame

For he could always be found

Where the rednecks abound

And first cousins are all called fair game.

........................................................

There was a young redneck named Frank

Whose wife he'd like to spank, and spank

She'd complain like hell

So he'd give her a spell

And told her she'd get worse if he were a Yank.

..................................................................

There was a double agent named Fred

Who had all sorts if info inside his head

And though he aspired

To be finally retired

He'd forever be the red under the bed.

...............................................................

There was an old pirate named Revered

Whose exploits were reviled and much feared

He frightened his crew

With a gigantic screw

And pulling a cutlass out of his beard