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Jokes

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Jokes

from Sins Forums

OK here goes this post is all about jokes, I will say a few and you tell me some of your jokes.     

  Did you guys hear about the the kid you went to the library looking for a book on suicide.....the librarian said F**k off you'll never bring it back

3 fish go to heaven, the 1st one goes up to ST. Peter and says why am i here, i shouldn't be here i blew bubbles

ST. Peter-your a fish youre supposed to blow bubbles, enter

2nd fish-i shouldn't be here i blew bubbles

St. Peter(confused)- your a fish your supposed to blow bubbles, you may enter

3rd fish- Hi i'm Bubbles

If you have funny quotes they are welcome also, and your jokes.

have fun

 

off-topic
120,555 views 32 replies
Reply #26 from GalCiv2 Forums Top

What's the maximum length of Frog tongues?

As much as it takes to lick any flies right outa mid-air - when close enough.

(PS; I don't explain jokes, you either get it or you don't - a lawnmower blade is quite fast when it spins though!)

Reply #27 from Sins Forums Top

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death

Conserve toilet paper, use both sides

Don't come knocking if the car is rocking

Don't Steal....The Government hates Competition

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain

All men are Idiots, and I married their King

DRIVE LIKE HELL.. YOU'LL GET THERE!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film facility

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW

I love cats...they taste just like chicken

Galactic Civilizations III
Reply #28 from Stardock Forums Top

a man goes to see a Dr.

he says to the Dr. (in a very gruff scratchy voice) Dr I got this problem, my voice is very gruff and it makes it really hard to meet women, as soon as I try to talk to them they look at me funny and walk away. can you help me Dr.

Dr.: well, ok lets start with a physical, so get undressed and put on this gown.

       as the man is undressing the Dr suddenly gasps, HOLY COW man no wonder you can't talk, your slong in so long it's pulling on your vocal chords!!!

(in the gruff voice) the man says, so can you help me Dr?

the Dr thinks for a moment and says, well yes I suppose I can, we can wack a few inches out of the middle and re-attach the head. that should releave the stress on your vocal chords.

(in the gruff voice) Great Dr let's do it, can you do it now?...........

 

6 months later

the man walks back in to the Dr's office and says to the Dr. (in a normal voice) Dr. I just came to thank you, that worked, I've meet and dated several women and am finally getting married in 2 weeks.

Just one thing though. that section we cut out, I was wondering if we could re-attach it and I could really SHOCK her?

 

the Dr thinks for a moment and replies

(in a very gruff and scratchy voice) Well, let me see if I can find it.

 

 

 

 

Reply #29 from Sins Forums Top

Funny things to do on an airplane

At the airport, wear a uniform and claim you are the pilot, get annoyed if they don't believe you but DONT give up, see how far you can get ( WARNING, may result in you being arrested)

2. Whilst boarding the plane, say in a loud voice "THAT WING SURE DOES LOOK RUSTY!!"

3. When everyone is seated, do your own demonstration of what to do in an emergency, let this include 'comical' situations such as "in the (likely) event of the plane setting alight and becoming a plummeting fireball of death, please remember to tighten your seatbelt" look surprised when you are the only one laughing.

4. when the plane is still on the ground, Rock back and forth in your seat and say aloud "THIS TURBULANCE SURE IS ROUGH!!"

5. Wear rags and a headscarf, claim that your name is Svetolafoson Frojhkyhkjuhjdj and that you are being deported back to Estonia, look pleased when your told that this plane is not going there. say "Really?!, u haf not met me if zey ask zen, ok?!"

6. As the plane is landing, adopt the 'Duck and Cover' position as you scream "WE ARE GOING TO CRASH! ONLY DEATH AWAITS US ALL NOW! DEATH I TELLS YA!!!!" when you land safely, stand up and leave the plane normally, thank the stewardess for a lovely flight.

7. Go in to the toilet and make loud vomiting noises, keep going for a few minutes, then come out and announce to the plane that the toilet is blocked, act like its not your fault.

8. Stand up and ask the passengers if anyone " wants to join the mile high club with you?" wink suggestively at various people...of both sexes.

9. Get the pilot to show you round the cockpit, come out afterwards and say "YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGH HE COULD FLY THE PLANE AFTER SO MUCH VODKA BUT IT JUST SHOWS, THEY REALLY ARE TRUE PROFESIONALS!".

10. Delight your fellow passengers with your impression of a plane crashing in to the sea, complete with sound effects.

11. Enthrall your companions on the plane by telling them that you knew the pilot of Buddy Holly's plane and you're pretty sure he trained at the same place as your current pilot.

12. Give a fact filled guide of the area you are flying over, this can include " And if you look to your right you will see the wreckage of our sister plane, after she was shot at and subsequently crashed in to that mountain side which, as you can see, her burnt out hull remains embedded in, the bodies were never found.'

13. Streak.

14. Occasionally scream........loudly.

15. Get up and announce that you are going to hi-jack the plane, make to get out a gun, but act like its not there, check all your pockets and then say " OH CRAP, I MUST HAVE LEFT IT IN THE OTHER COAT, OK, NEVER MIND!" Sit down like nothing has happened.

16. From the second you take off, every ten seconds say in the same voice "are we there yet?"

17. Keep sniffing around and eventually say in a loud voice "CAN YOU SMELL BURNING?"

18. Go to the cockpit, wait a few second, then come back and say in a loud voice, "UMM SHOULD'NT THERE BE...LIKE....A PILOT?"

19. When your on a small, ten person plane, Inform everyone that you used to be an aerodynamic engineer and this plane is VERY badly built.

20.Go to the front of the plane and perform a one-man Shakespeare play.

21.Wear assless chaps and run around the plan singing "Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer.

22. If you're flying first class, make sure to sit behind someone. When that person is sleeping, grap your motion sickness bag and vomit in it. After you do that, hold the bag in the air and then pop it on the person. See what happens......

Reply #30 from Sins Forums Top

Quoting CorKnight04, reply 4
Funny things to do on an airplane

At the airport, wear a uniform and claim you are the pilot, get annoyed if they don't believe you but DONT give up, see how far you can get ( WARNING, may result in you being arrested)

2. Whilst boarding the plane, say in a loud voice "THAT WING SURE DOES LOOK RUSTY!!"

3. When everyone is seated, do your own demonstration of what to do in an emergency, let this include 'comical' situations such as "in the (likely) event of the plane setting alight and becoming a plummeting fireball of death, please remember to tighten your seatbelt" look surprised when you are the only one laughing.

4. when the plane is still on the ground, Rock back and forth in your seat and say aloud "THIS TURBULANCE SURE IS ROUGH!!"

5. Wear rags and a headscarf, claim that your name is Svetolafoson Frojhkyhkjuhjdj and that you are being deported back to Estonia, look pleased when your told that this plane is not going there. say "Really?!, u haf not met me if zey ask zen, ok?!"

6. As the plane is landing, adopt the 'Duck and Cover' position as you scream "WE ARE GOING TO CRASH! ONLY DEATH AWAITS US ALL NOW! DEATH I TELLS YA!!!!" when you land safely, stand up and leave the plane normally, thank the stewardess for a lovely flight.

7. Go in to the toilet and make loud vomiting noises, keep going for a few minutes, then come out and announce to the plane that the toilet is blocked, act like its not your fault.

8. Stand up and ask the passengers if anyone " wants to join the mile high club with you?" wink suggestively at various people...of both sexes.

9. Get the pilot to show you round the cockpit, come out afterwards and say "YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGH HE COULD FLY THE PLANE AFTER SO MUCH VODKA BUT IT JUST SHOWS, THEY REALLY ARE TRUE PROFESIONALS!".

10. Delight your fellow passengers with your impression of a plane crashing in to the sea, complete with sound effects.

11. Enthrall your companions on the plane by telling them that you knew the pilot of Buddy Holly's plane and you're pretty sure he trained at the same place as your current pilot.

12. Give a fact filled guide of the area you are flying over, this can include " And if you look to your right you will see the wreckage of our sister plane, after she was shot at and subsequently crashed in to that mountain side which, as you can see, her burnt out hull remains embedded in, the bodies were never found.'

13. Streak.

14. Occasionally scream........loudly.

15. Get up and announce that you are going to hi-jack the plane, make to get out a gun, but act like its not there, check all your pockets and then say " OH CRAP, I MUST HAVE LEFT IT IN THE OTHER COAT, OK, NEVER MIND!" Sit down like nothing has happened.

16. From the second you take off, every ten seconds say in the same voice "are we there yet?"

17. Keep sniffing around and eventually say in a loud voice "CAN YOU SMELL BURNING?"

18. Go to the cockpit, wait a few second, then come back and say in a loud voice, "UMM SHOULD'NT THERE BE...LIKE....A PILOT?"

19. When your on a small, ten person plane, Inform everyone that you used to be an aerodynamic engineer and this plane is VERY badly built.

20.Go to the front of the plane and perform a one-man Shakespeare play.

21.Wear assless chaps and run around the plan singing "Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer.

22. If you're flying first class, make sure to sit behind someone. When that person is sleeping, grap your motion sickness bag and vomit in it. After you do that, hold the bag in the air and then pop it on the person. See what happens......

 

very funny

 

another funny thing you can do is..

if there is a cop on a terminal train and he(or she) tells everyone to sit, sit then occasionally get up throw your hands in the hand and yell "WWHHHOOOOO!" i actually did this once almost got sent to the holding area

Reply #32 from GalCiv2 Forums Top

Fun things to do on a plane part C:

Buy several hundred of those cocktail-napkin-size American flags they give out at 4th of July parades, and when the plane takes off, keep glancing furtively at your watch while setting fire to them one after another for as long as they last. When you run out, pretend to grab an imaginary wire near your chest and pull it. Look surprised when there is nolthing there.