Jokes

If vegetarians eat vegetables, are zombies considered humanitarians?

Jewish Kid asks his father for 20 bucks.

Dad says. "10 bucks!! What do you need 5 bucks for."

I forget who said this or where I heard it: "I want to pass away quietly in my sleep like my grandfather did, not die yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car."

Nice, Heres one for you

If you see a sign that says say no to crack and it reminds you to pull your pants up, you might be a redneck

and Scoutdog i think that was in the movie Delta Farce

a blind guy walks into a bar

sits at the bar, gets a drink and asks the bar tender "you want to hear a blond joke"?

the bar tender says "before you tell that joke there are a few things you should know"

1. this is a biker bar

2. I'm a blond and 6.2 - 200lbs

3. you have 2 large blond women sitting on either side of you

4. the woman at the table behind you is blond

5. the bouncer is a blond woman and we are all bikers.

Now do you really want to tell that joke?

blind guy: no, not if I have to explain it 5 times.

---------------------------------------------------------

old Irish man sitting at the bar drinking his ale

you see those boats in the bay down there? I built half of them me self with me bare hands over the last 20 yrs, but do you think they call me McGregor the boat builder....Naaa

you see that stone wall outside? I built it me self, with a sledge hammer to break the stone to size. took me 6 months to build, but do ya think they call me McGregor the wall builder?...Naaa

You see this bar, Solid Oak 4 inches thick, I hewned it by hand me self, took me 3 months to finish. do you think they call me McGregor the bar builder?...Naaa

But you F^*k one goat......

My favorite, I laugh just thinking about it

2 men walk in to a bar.

You would have thought the second one would have ducked.

Im sad I know

That joke is older then Delta Farce

Thats True, but that was what came to mind when i heard the joke.....

Classic joke by the way Ryat...

OK what happens when fog litfs in california....UCLA

I went to a seafood disco the other day and i pulled a Mussel

Billy tells willy, "When i grow up, i am going to be a policeman and follow in my father's footsteps"

"I did not know your father was a policeman" said Willy

"He's not...He's a burgler" replied Billy 

 A burgler sneaks into a house at night, looking for things to steal. After a while, he hears a voice say, "The gods are watching you!"

Thinking he's imagining things, the burgler keeps stealing things. He's just about to go into the next room when he hears the voice again, louder this time: "The gods are watching you!"

The burgler looks around, but he's the only one in the house. He ransacks the whole place, and just as he's about to leave, he hears the voice yet agian, louder than ever: "THE GODS ARE WATCHING YOU!!"

Now the guy knows there's someone else in the house. So he sneaks over, knife drawn, to where he heard the voice and finds....

A parrot.

"So you're the one who was saying that," the burgler says.

"Yeah," the parrot squaks, sounding really nervous.

"What the hell's your name?" the burgler says.

"Clarence," the parrot replies.

The burgler bursts out lauging. "Clarence? What idiot names a bird Clarence?"

The burgler walks to the door, and behind him the parrot says, "Same idiot that named the pit bulls Zeus and Thor."

What's the maximum speed a frog can jump?

Sneak under a lawnmower and live to tell about it.

A burgler sneaks into a house at night, looking for things to steal. After a while, he hears a voice say, "Moses is watching you!"

Thinking he's imagining things, the burgler keeps stealing things. He's just about to go into the next room when he hears the voice again, louder this time: "Moses is watching you!"

The burgler looks around, but he's the only one in the house. He ransacks the whole place, and just as he's about to leave, he hears the voice yet agian, louder than ever: "MOSES IS WATCHING YOU!!"

Now the guy knows there's someone else in the house. So he sneaks over, knife drawn, to where he heard the voice and finds....

A parrot.

"So you're the one who was saying that," the burgler says.

"Yeah," the parrot squaks, sounding really nervous.

"What the hell's your name?" the burgler says.

"Jesus," the parrot replies.

The burgler bursts out lauging. "Jesus? What idiot names a bird Jesus?"

The burgler walks to the door, and behind him the parrot says, "Same idiot that named that rotweiler Moses."

That's the version of it i heard.

A man goes to a monastary to become a monk and was told tath he must be silent except every ten years where he can speak only two words.  He agrees and begins the arduous training for the next ten years and walks up to the head monk and speaks, "Bed hard." The head monks nods and sends him away.

After ten years, "Food cold" The head monks again, sends him away

Another ten years "Can speak?"

"No, complainer." says the head monk.

'Sir,' said the poor clerk, 'you said I might bring you the remaining papers before tea, and your tea is just coming up.'

'Well, well: so I did,' said Jack. 'God, what an infernal heap. Leave them here, Mr Richards. I will see to them before we reach Cagliari.'

'The top ones are those which Captain Allen left to be written fair - they only need to be signed, sir,' said the clerk, backing out.

Jack glanced at the top of the pile, paused, then cried, 'There! There you are. Just so. There's the service for you from clew to earing - the Royal Navy, stock and fluke. You get into a fine flow of patriotic fervor - you are ready to plunge into the thick of battle - and you are asked to sign this sort of thing.' He passed Stephen the carefully-written sheet.



His Majesty's Sloop Sophie
At sea

The Rt. Hon. Lord Keith, K.B., etc., ctc.
Admiral of the Blue.

My Lord,
I am to beg you will be pleased to order a Court Martial to be held on Isaac Wilson (seaman) belonging to the Sloop I have the honour to Command for having committed the unnatural Crime of Sodomy on a Goat, in the Goathouse, on the evening of March 16th.

I have the Honour to remain, my Lord,

Your Lordship's most obedient very humble servant



'It is odd how the law always harps upon the unnaturalness of sodomy,' observed Stephen. 'Though I know at least two judges who are paederasts; and of course barristers . . . What will happen to him?'

'Oh, he'll be hanged. Run up at the yard-arm, and boats attending from every ship in the fleet.'

'That seems a little extreme.'

'Of course it is. Oh, what an infernal bore - witnesses going over to the flagship by the dozen, days lost . . . The Sophie a laughing-stock. Why will they report these things? The goat must be slaughtered - that's but fair - and it shall be served out to the mess that informed on him.'

'Could you not set them both ashore - on separate shores, if you have strong feelings on the moral issue - and sail quietly away?'

'Well,' said Jack, whose anger had died down. 'Perhaps there is something in what you propose. A dish of tea? You take milk, sir?'

'Goat's milk, sir?'

'Why, I suppose it is.'

'Perhaps without milk then, if you please...'

...From "Master and Commander" by Patrick O'Brien

There is this small fleet at sea right, and the spotter on the flag ship spots an enemy vessel, the spotter yells to the capitan that there is an enemy ship on the horizan, the capitan then yells for the cabin boy, he tells the cabin boy "Get me my red shirt" he goes and gets it and when he gives it to the capitain he asks him why a redshirt the capitan says " Its so if i get injured and start to bleed, my men will not see the blood and continue to fight" The next day the spotter spots a large fleet of enemy ships and yells that to the capitan, the capitan then yells to the cabin boy" GET ME MY BROWN PANTS"

What's the maximum distance a frog can jump?

Away from the devices previously mentioned!

A blonde girl is at home while her husband is working. She is trying to do a puzzle but she's stumped. She calls her husband at work and ask him some help.

Darling why don't you look at the picture on the box that should help you.

She answers but I am it's a picture of a rooster, but I still can't do it my love.

he says wait until I get home and I will help you.

The man finally gets home after work and looks on the table to see the puzzle. He sighs and says to his wife, forget doing puzzles my darling they are not for you and please put the Corn flakes box away.

There are 3 girls, a blond, a brunette, and a redhead. A person comes up to them and pulls out a gun and tells them" I am going to say a hundred jokes, if you laugh you die" He tells the first joke, the redhead laughs and she gets shot and dies. At about the 50th joke the brunette laughs and she dies.... At the 99th Joke the blonde started laughing, the man with the gun asks "you almost made it to a hundred, why did you start laughing?" The blond says " I just got the first joke"...  

What's the maximum lifespan of common frogs?

If they can jump far and fast enough, and stay away from urban areas or fine cuisine chefs (legs) - i'd say a whole summer long.

Top ten signs you might be a frog.

What's the maximum number of frogs that can be tolerated in any neighborhoods?

Once people start to wake up too often in evenings, there's a strange rule that says one is still too many.

Did you guys hear about the sale at Hot Topic.... There giving away free razor blades with every Twilight shirt they sell

Bob, Steve, and Jim have been shipwercked on an island, and go searching for food. Bob and Jim find some food, but Jim finds an oil lamp. A genie bursts from the lamp and says, "Fear not, mortals! I come offering you each one wish."

"Send me home, but give me a new girlfriend," Bob says. Bob vanishes in a puff of smoke.

"Send me home, too, but give me a million dollars," Steve says. Steve also disappears.

"So, mortal, do you wish to go home as well?" the genie asks Jim.

"No," says Jim. "The house is in the worst part of town, the rent is atrocious, and everyone in the neighbirhood hates me."

"You can live anywhere you want: Paris, Tokyo, Las Vegas, Istanbul; just make the wish," the genie says.

Jim walks around, thinking. After a few minutes, he makes his decision. "I want to live in--" Jim trips on a rock and falls flat on his face.

"Oh, HELL!" Jim shouts in anger.

"Wish granted," the genie says.

Clever pick up lines!

---I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

---I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

---Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

---Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?

---Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.

---Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.

---You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...

---Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do" List!

---Save a horse -- ride a cowboy.

---Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

---Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

---If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

---What do you say we go back to my crib and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply  <--------AWESOME!!!!

---Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours

---Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?

---I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears

---My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?

a german, a french , and british guy are all applying for  a job. To qualify they each have to construct a sentence with the colours pink, green, and yellow. The british guy goes up first and says, "i wake up in the morning, i eat  a green pepper, a yellow banana and drink some pink lemonade." The german guy goes up and says," i wake up in the morning, look out the window at the green grass and yellow sun. The sun being bright and happy make s me think is is going to be e pink day today." Lastly, the french guy goes up and says," I wake up in zee morning, the phone goes green green green, i pink up the phone and say yellow."

i do not get your first two ones