A young bloke had never been ill in his life and had never needed to visit a doctor, but he had contracted a urinary tract infection and was asked by the doctor to provide a 'specimen' at his next visit.

Not knowing what a specimen was, he asked his girlfriend when he got home.  She too had never been ill and had never visited a doctor, either, so didn't know the answer and suggested he go ask the medical student in the downstairs unit what a specimen was.

"Come off it," he retorted: "You know that he hates my guts... and vice versa."

"Look," she said: " You need to know what one is before the morning, so go down and ask him before it gets any later.

He reluctantly goes down, but about 5 minutes later he reappears with a bloody nose and covered in cuts and bruises, to which the g/f quips: "That'd be right, you can't go and ask him a simple question without getting into a fight!"

"Oh honey, it wasn't like that," he pleads: "I did as you asked and asked him what a specimen was... and... and he said: 'Go piss in a bottle!'  To which I said: 'Well you can go shit in your boot'...."

And that's when the fight started.

Guy rushes into a bar, appears in a panic and calls over the barkeep: "Quick, quick, gimme a beer before the fight starts!!"

He drinks it down real quick, hurriedely looks over his shoulder and cries out to the barkeep again: "Quick, quick, gimme another beer before the fight starts!!"

The barkeep pours him another beer but is curious as he looks around and sees everyone as cool as a cucumber, with not even an inkling of a fight about to begin, so he asks: "OK then bud, when's this fight going to start?"

The guy replies with a question: "So what would you do if I told you I didn't have a brass razzoo on me?"

And that's when the fight started.

A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marvelled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear, "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only £4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris.

The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for £4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for £2. ....You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already"

.......and that's when the fight started.