How Did Our Marriage End Up Like This?

I drove my husband to drinking. . . :( But How??

from JoeUser Forums
Shawn has come home, and I found out that he had appearantly been drinking, because he was in the bathroom all morning thowing up. His mom called me after he left and told me that if he didn't come home I was supposed to call her. I'm really upset with him right now. I told him that John could move in and he just shrugged. He hasn't said a word to me...

It hurts me. I never meant to "drive him to drinking", was my reply to what he said such an awful thing? Did I say something wrong? I just want to nkow. And he's not telling me anything. I'm really upset right now. I'm so upset that I don't even notice John or Paige being here. I'm off in my own little world and the only thing that is on my mind, is Shawn. Which is pretty sad considering I just had a baby. . .

Well.. I am going to chase after Shawn, he just walked out the door. Maybe I can catch him before he leaves. . .
Emma
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Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
I know, but he's causing me so much pain right now, I don't think he even realizes that he's doing it. And that makes it hurt worse. . .

Emma
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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
He's out drinking again. I called his cell phone, and he told me "I just need to take a breather, I'll be home around closing time." No I love you's, no good night honey, no give Alysia a kiss for me. He just hung up after that. I'm scared for him. I really am.

Emma
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
I will pray for your marriage, and that he is able to convey to you whatever is the matter.

In the meantime, when you get a chance to speak with him, avoid using "you" messages. This will put him on the defensive, and would not be constructive. I don't know about your spiritual situation; if you are Christian, I can recommend some good resources for you. If you are not, perhaps there are others reading who can help with this? At any rate, I do wish you the best.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks, I attend church, but I don't know exactly what to consider myself. I believe in God, but there are many things that could put me in hell. I don't know though. Religion has always confused me.

Emma
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
Emma
I will pray for you and Shawn. I don't know how long you have been married, but I know that all marriages have tough times. You are going through a lot and I hope and pray that God takes some of the burden off for you. You are in my prayers. Hug that adorable daughter of yours for me and tell her she has a mommy that obviously loves her a lot.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
We've been married 5 years on June 24. . . Thank you for keeping us in your prayers. I'm planning on staying up until he gets home, then he and I are hopefully going to have a long talk. . .

Emma
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hi Emma, Marriage has lots of ups and downs and rough spots. Hopefully, you can bear with the bad to get to the good. It is very hard if he won't talk with you though. Just take care of yourself. I know I have often had the feeling that marriage is supposed to be more than what we have. As dr. phil would say we all need a soft place to fall and that should be each other. Maybe you can find a sitter and have an evening out by yourselves. Having a baby is a big adjustment on your relationship. Maybe just having sometime to reconnect with each other will help.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Alright, I'll take that into consideration. Thank You, Locamama.
Still no sign of Shawn coming home anytime soon. I hate knowing that he could be driving after drinking. You'd think he'd know better.

Emma
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
Are you close with you MIL, could you let her know to keep an eye out and let you know if he shows up there? Also, you both have a lot going on, maybe you should consider some joint counseling, it can only help.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sounds to me like you picked a real ass hole for a husband. I bet he runs out on you and the kid.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
Yeah that's what a mother with a newborn wants to hear! Moron.

Emma - consider the source.
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
Janders, I spoke with his mom yesterday and she has been keeping her eye out. Luckily he came home last night, more less this morning, and I sat him down and talked to him.

Marvin, please don't tell me things like that. Shawn's just stressed. He just needs time to think.

Yeah that's what a mother with a newborn wants to hear! Moron.Emma - consider the source.


Thanks, Trina! I need someone to stick up for me when I'm not around!!

Shawn and I are going to have a more throrough talk after he's down throwing up, I mean when he's sober. I never thought I'd be saying that.

Emma
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
Emma...you didn't drive him to drink.....he drank because he chose to....and his behavior now is also his choice, and has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do, said or didn't say. Don't let yourself fall into that trap.

He's out drinking again. I called his cell phone, and he told me "I just need to take a breather, I'll be home around closing time." No I love you's, no good night honey, no give Alysia a kiss for me. He just hung up after that. I'm scared for him. I really am.


He needs to talk to you, or to someone....something is bothering him, and it's bothering him a lot, and it's not going to get any better if he just keeps trying to drink it away. I'll keep you all in my prayers.

Sounds to me like you picked a real ass hole for a husband. I bet he runs out on you and the kid.


Gosh, didn't anyone ever teach you that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all? Emma has enough to worry about without someone putting thoughts like that in her head!!

Shawn and I are going to have a more throrough talk after he's down throwing up, I mean when he's sober. I never thought I'd be saying that.


Good luck, Emma.....I hope things get better for all of you.

Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks Poetmom, Shawn and I talked, we cried and we worked through some stuff. And he went on and on about how sorry he was. And I don't know if this is over, what I mean is, I don't know if the problem is over, But we did get a good start to getting through it. He and I went this afternoon to the mall. Just the two of us, we left the baby with his mom. I was so nervous to leave her. But, Shawn and I needed time to ourselves, and it really seemed to help. So, I don't know what's going to happen to us, but I have a good feeling that we'll be ok. I'm 99.9% sure that we're going to be all right. I love him, and I hope he realizes that. Thanks for all your thoughts and help.

Emma
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
Marvin, I will not repeat your horrbile post, but you have shown yourself to be a person utterly without ANY redeeming qualities.
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top

Marvin - sweet jesus man, tact!


Emma- people do what they do. You did not drive him to do shit.

Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top

Marvin - sweet jesus man, tact!

My thoughts exactly.

Emma, I hope you are able to work things out.  People work through stress in different ways.

Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm 99.9% sure that we're going to be all right. I love him, and I hope he realizes that. Thanks for all your thoughts and help.


Hey, that's a high percentage....so that's good....hang in there, and make SURE he knows you love him.....don't just hope he knows, or presume he knows....TELL him, and tell him often.....and find ways to show him....
Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm so happy that you all care enough about me, to yell (or something like yelling) at Marvin. That's in a way, proving to me that I have friends, although I don't "know" you all, but do we ever really know anyone? Anyways, Thanks.

Emma, I hope you are able to work things out. People work through stress in different ways.


Thanks Karma, I realize this now. Too bad I couldn't have figured that out, or heard that before I got myself so upset.

Hey, that's a high percentage....so that's good....hang in there, and make SURE he knows you love him.....don't just hope he knows, or presume he knows....TELL him, and tell him often.....and find ways to show him....



Poetmom, Today I think that if I counted the times I told him I loved him, and told him that I don't know what I'd do with out him, I would run out of numbers. I convinced him to come to work with me tomorrow, and talk to one of the counselors there with me. I hope he gets this stress taken care of soon. I think he's starting to regret drinking.

Anyways, Thanks everyone!

Emma
Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top

Hey Marvin, I'm buzzed on Jack and coke and my bluntness is coming out full force now, so I'll say what everything else has danced around and is probably thinking anyway.....


..you're an asshole for saying that.  I was going to say that I cannot believe that you said it, but I can.  You have a habit of being rude and obnoxious and then saying that you were only spreading God's word.  Give it a rest, would ya?


Emma...I'm not in your husband's head, so i don't know what he's thinking.  i do know that he's been under a lot of stress lately...fighting a war, having a kid, dealing with a demanding and altogether childish father.....I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't.  All I can do is let you know that I'm sending you my love.  It'll work out, Em.  Trust me.

Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks, I attend church, but I don't know exactly what to consider myself. I believe in God, but there are many things that could put me in hell. I don't know though. Religion has always confused me.


Well, since you're operating from a basic judeo-christian philosophy of life (what I was trying to figure out), I can recommend Gary Smalley's "Hidden Keys to a Loving Relationship". He has it nicely packaged in a videotape series that may be available at your local library, and would definitely be available at many churches in your area (don't be afraid to call around; many pastors are quite dedicated to helping couples preserve their marriage and would probably be more than happy to lend you the series). Smalley spends a lot of time talking about the (general; he acknowledges these rules aren't universal) ways that men and women communicate differently, and ways to break down communication barriers between spouses. Even if your husband isn't inclined to watch it, seeing it may give you some constructive ways to interact with him.

On a personal note, I will keep you and your husband in my prayers, as I know well how tough things can be at times.

God Bless,

Gideon MacLeish
Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top
Karen--
It'll work out, Em. Trust me.


I do trust you. You're the one who gave me hope that Shawn was okay before (when I couldn't find him) and you were right about that. Thank you!

Thanks Gideon,
I will keep you and your husband in my prayers, as I know well how tough things can be at times.

We need all the prayers we can get. Thanks!

Emma
Reply #24 from JoeUser Forums Top
Emma~ You are a strong girl, you have proved this already.... Lots of prayers go to you and Shawn right now.

Marvin~ What the hell is wrong with you? You owe Emma an apology!
Reply #25 from JoeUser Forums Top
I really don't think I'm as "strong" as I must seem to be, it's just my love for Shawn that makes me appear to be strong. I can honestly say, if I didn't love him, I don't think I'd be holding up too well. Thanks for your prayers, We need a lot of prayers.

Emma