Phoenixboi Phoenixboi

Life in the firing line.

▼

Life in the firing line.

from JoeUser Forums
Ive been blogging like mad over the past few days. This has been due to the amazing post by MadPoet about Ryan White and Reagan. It's been really interesting to read what people have been writing and also heart breaking.

Heart breaking because there is still a dramatic amount of stigmatism around this whole disease.

Did you know that I cannot enter the UNited States because of my status? Because of my status I cannot get health insurance. Because of my status I am denyed relationships with people because of their lack of education, they are scared of me. Imagine being treated like a leper.

Imagine. When I go for my blood tests the nurse puts on gloves, a face mask, goggles and a gown. Im an infectious body walking around.

Imagine being with a lover and all the while when making love it is in the back of my mind am I going to infect this person? Imagine for a moment how that feels.

Imagine that the relationships I have had in my adult life the people dont feel secure because they cannot see a future life with me because they fear this disease will eventually take me away from them.

Imagine not knowing if the cough you have one day will turn into the pneumonia the next.

Imagine thinking everyday that you life is a walking timebomb??

Imagine life on the firing line??
blogging
6,669 views 39 replies
Reply #26 from JoeUser Forums Top
Its 1035pm here Wed night. Australian eastern standard time
I look foreward to your email MadPoet.
Cheers!
Reply #27 from JoeUser Forums Top
haha this is a funny thread, and some ppl thought i was rude, just look t madpoet and little whip duke it out in a thread that belongs to someone else. you guys should meet and fight each other, i would PAY to see that!

and the answer to how i feel. i can feel ur pain cuz a motivational speaker came to one of our classes in high school, talking about AIDS/HIV and sexually transmitted diseases (AIDS is not only one you know, there is gonorrehea, herpes, genital warts, yes that is true) and talking about his own life. why dont u be a motivational speaker and talk at middle and high schools phoenixboi?
Galactic Civilizations IV
Reply #28 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hey radical thanks for replying.

I have been a motivational speaker in my local community for the last 10 years. I have also lectured at the university about my personal experiences to interns and welfare students. It all helps to bring it home and to be more real for people.

Yeah i know about the many STIs... its now called Sexually Transmitted Infections.

Thanks again for your comments and I hope the bickering doesnt put you off.

Cheers!
Reply #29 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hi pheonixboi! My God! It seemes like years ago that i read your article after scrolling through all of that - what was the topic again? it was quite funny though, but only cause it was so ridiculous.

Anyway, don't stop writing, there's loads of people who aren't going to attack you... you've got an important story and you should tell us all about it. It will be enlightening to see how folk react/think about AIDs and what it really means.

I have no experience of it - apart rom my bestfriends routine blood tests which depress the hell out of him (he's gay and so, therefore, high risk I guess). Oh, that and waking up in a cold sweat a couple of times and remembering times in the past when I was less than careful! But apart from being a little paranoid worry wart from time to time I don't have a clue about it at all.
Reply #30 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hi there Dune!

Thanks for stopping by! I hope you have a chance to look at my previous blogs, and I hope it helps you to understand all this a bit better.

Im not going to stop writing when I know there are people out there like you who are actually getting something out of it.

Thanks again!

Cheers!
Reply #31 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hi again little whip ..no it wasnt your actions that made me think this way I have been practising this for a number of years now because I find it easier to deal with.
I dont think abstinence is an option for me because thats just not what I want to do because i find it very fullfilling in more than just getting my rocks off. I find having sex to be something that enhances my spirit, my emotions and my life in general. Im sure you can understand that, I dont know you but Im sure you can see that.
I always feel responsible for my own actions. I cant help it, my belief in Karma and its display to me has shown me this. In some ways I feel responsible sometimes for others actions as well.
Thanks for reading. I hope in someway I can help you to understand what im about.
Cheers.
Reply #32 from JoeUser Forums Top

I wonder...I think that I had read before that you got the virus from having unprotected sex with someone.  Is that right, or am I just befuddled?  And that you had been living with it for 14 years...which would mean that you got infected in 1990 or thereabouts.  Is that right too?  I'm just trying to get a timeline on the sequence of events.


 

Reply #33 from JoeUser Forums Top
Little whip I understnad where you are coming from now as well. Thanks for being honest and open here on my blog.

I also should have clarified that for me sex isnt just having intercourse. It is like you have suggested many other emotional and physical things. All of which arent risky behaviours at all.

Thanks again for your commets.
Reply #34 from JoeUser Forums Top
I think that I had read before that you got the virus from having unprotected sex with someone. Is that right, or am I just befuddled? And that you had been living with it for 14 years...which would mean that you got infected in 1990 or thereabouts. Is that right too?


Yup thats right ... I did. And if you can recall the guy I got it from didnt tell me he was positive.

Reply #35 from JoeUser Forums Top

And if you can recall the guy I got it from didnt tell me he was positive.


Did he know he was positive at the time he infected you?  Or was he burying his head in the sand and pretending it wasn't happening?


Either way, it's all moot now.  You're infected, and you're having to live with it. 

Reply #36 from JoeUser Forums Top
Yeah he did know I confronted him about it. I was really angry. I reported him to the appropriate authorities at the time. I dont know what has happened to him I didnt follow it up, I was too confused and tortured by it back then. The way I confronted him about it I thought I had done it to him so was informing him of my diagnosis scared that I had passed it onto him.

Either way, it's all moot now. You're infected, and you're having to live with it.


Yeah that's true. Life has never been the same since. But mostly Ive tried to turn it into a positive experience. It's the only way I have been able to cope with it.

Thanks again for your comments little whip and dharmagrl.

I have just read a news article about a guy in Canada who has been charged with knowingly infecting over 200 women.
Link

Knowingly infecting someone is a hiddeous thing to do. I do consider it pre meditated murder.

Reply #37 from JoeUser Forums Top

I look foreward to your email MadPoet.
Cheers!


Phoenixboi~It's a done deal. Already 3-4  hours ago. Hope you enjoy?


Cheers!


~MP

Reply #38 from JoeUser Forums Top

But mostly Ive tried to turn it into a positive experience.


I honestly believe that it's not what has happened to you that matters; it's how you react to it.  You have a choice...you can either lay down in the face of adversity, or you can stand up and give it your best shot. I believe that you're giving it your best shot, and you're doing so in the face of death.


Unfortunately, as you already know, having unprotected sex is a risk, be you homosexual, heterosexual, whatever.  The person you're exchanging fluids with can infect you before they've even tested positive themselves.  You just can't trust anyone, and that's sad.

Reply #39 from JoeUser Forums Top
I honestly believe that it's not what has happened to you that matters; it's how you react to it. You have a choice...you can either lay down in the face of adversity, or you can stand up and give it your best shot. I believe that you're giving it your best shot, and you're doing so in the face of death.


Thanks dharmagrl! that is exactly what I believe as well. It is why I prescribe to the "dharma" and why I have started blogging. I think like you stated in your recent blog though that I am going to take a backseat in the blog world and concentrate more on my main reason for blogging, that is to use it as a release, a chance to express my emotions and experiences that are happening to me.

Ive learnt that from the past few days that getting involved in political arguments isnt doing anything to my health and wellbeing. Even though I feel passionate about certain subjects, it's now time for me to share my experiences, not try and justify them.

And hopefully my blogs can be a place where people come and find some sort of compassion and in that find something more about themselves that they might now have been able to see elsewhere.

Hey MadPoet I got your email! thanks Im gonna reply real soon ok!