Life in the firing line.

from JoeUser Forums
Ive been blogging like mad over the past few days. This has been due to the amazing post by MadPoet about Ryan White and Reagan. It's been really interesting to read what people have been writing and also heart breaking.

Heart breaking because there is still a dramatic amount of stigmatism around this whole disease.

Did you know that I cannot enter the UNited States because of my status? Because of my status I cannot get health insurance. Because of my status I am denyed relationships with people because of their lack of education, they are scared of me. Imagine being treated like a leper.

Imagine. When I go for my blood tests the nurse puts on gloves, a face mask, goggles and a gown. Im an infectious body walking around.

Imagine being with a lover and all the while when making love it is in the back of my mind am I going to infect this person? Imagine for a moment how that feels.

Imagine that the relationships I have had in my adult life the people dont feel secure because they cannot see a future life with me because they fear this disease will eventually take me away from them.

Imagine not knowing if the cough you have one day will turn into the pneumonia the next.

Imagine thinking everyday that you life is a walking timebomb??

Imagine life on the firing line??
blogging
6,668 views 39 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
im thinking u have aids. well theres two sides to this. if u were born with aids. then i have pity. if it was cuz u felt adventurous, oh well, that's life. u should've been careful. but i feel ur pain. blame Ronald Reagan. if u wanna know why, post it.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top

Ive been blogging like mad over the past few days. This has been due to the amazing post by MadPoet about Ryan White and Reagan. It's been really interesting to read what people have been writing and also heart breaking.


PB~this is beautiful work. I feel for you. One of the friends I had that died from AIDS in 1993 told me this story about his very own family: When he went home for Christmas dinner~everybody else got to use silver forks and spoons and china plates and crystal glasses to have their lovely holiday supper with. But not my friend. He was made to eat off of paper plates, and given plastic spoons/forks, plus a styrofoam cup, etc. And this was in 1992! There is no excuse for that kind of stupidity.


I mean, for his own mother to treat her son like that? To make him feel so separate and apart. It is totally heartbreaking dude. My heart goes out to you big time. I hope we can become better friends soon~when I can send you a nice long email, huh? BUT, things have been pretty crazy round here lately, huh? . So I haven't even had a chance to check my personal email (plus my own poetry website!). But I really do care about you PB. I want you to know that. And I am your friend~maybe it is just a cyber friend. BUT I still think we can help each other in so many different ways. You're a good person to have on my team! Please come and visit me soon over on the Ryan White blog, huh? Your posts are the best ones that anybody ever has the nerve to put on there! . VERY BEAUTIFUL ARTICLE. AND HOPE TO CHAT WITH YOU AGAIN REALLY SOON!


P.S. Phoenixboi? How is your health these days? I know you said you had some bad night sweats not all that long ago? So how are you feeling now? Please let me know soon (either on the RW blog~or else my home email, k?). HANG IN THERE BIG TIME DUDE!


 


Radical~since you obviously don't have all the facts about Phoenixboi's situation~please don't come on his thread and tell him he should have been more careful. Perhaps YOU should have been more careful before you made such a grossly insensitive remark? But I'm so glad you feel his pain. How nice.


~MadPoet

Ashes of the Singularity II
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks for your comments radical.
can i ask how u feel my pain?
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
Phoenixboi? How is your health these days? I know you said you had some bad night sweats not all that long ago? So how are you feeling now?


Hey MAdPoet.

Thanks for visiting again! You are always very welcome posting here. I get comfort from what you have to say.

Im feeling ok at the moment. Everyday is different. Ive learnt to take each day as it comes. Its hard sometimes because being 31 I want to live my life as normal. But thats something I have to learn to live with. Hard though when Im trying to earn a living, get on with life in relationships and trying to stay healthy as well.

Interesting that in your Ryan White blog it has gone silent. Im glad you posted that blog though. Its helped me to understand some of the people who might be reading my blog.

How are you doing? Im looking forward to your email.
Cheers!
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm not fully aware of your situation, as I've not read your previous blogs, i just wanted to say that blog was very touching, and I appreciated how honest you was in it, thank you for making me think.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks for your comments Sally. Thanks for thinking. I appreciate it.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
i really dont mean to be unkind, but if this is such a concern why not just keep it in your pants? Hey, having sex is fun, but hardly a necessary activity to sustain life, like eating or breathing. You have a choice in this matter


littlewhip

Yeah I do have a choice in the matter. I give my partners a choice in the matter as well. Its called informed consent. Thankfully the people I have had sex with are educated and know the risks etc. So it hasnt bothered them. Doesnt make it easier for me.

I understand where your coming from though so there isnt any point of me saying anything more to you about it.
Thanks for your comments. If you dont mean to be unkind then please dont be.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top

I understand where your coming from though so there isnt any point of me saying anything more to you about it.
Thanks for your comments. If you dont mean to be unkind then please dont be.


Phoenixboi~just to give you some idea of how LittleWhip operates~she has just recently gone on one of those laughable little homophobia doesn't exist threads, and self-righteously claimed that I deleted an "intelligent" comment of hers from my Ryan White blog. Very curious. Because I don't recall deleting a single comment on that thread. Even the one in which she so generously called me and all my friends (I guess that's you too, huh?) a$$holes. But she doesn't mean to be unkind?


She also has the nerve to claim I am defending people who knowingly infect others with AIDS. Say what? Is this woman completely delusional? . PB, please be careful around this one, huh? Remember Marvin? Well she is simply his female counterpart. Only a little bit more original! . But she doesn't mean to be unkind? Please. I'm so sorry that you had to be subjected to such ignorant and completely dishonest folks like this on JU. But please know this. For every Little Whip and Marvin~there's a Muggaz and WiseFawn and MadPoet, etc. So just be very wise and avoid the more homophobic ones here, and you will be okay. I love you brother. Don't ever forget that.


~MadPoet


P.S. I'm doing an article about homophobia ASAP. (Thanks for the inspiration, LittleWhip!) So be sure and take a peek when it's posted Phoenixboi. And keep on staying strong.

Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
MP - I'm kinda getting tired of your veiled "nasty comments" -- there's nothing to defame you and yet anyone with half a brain can see the saccrine in your voice - butter wouldn't melt in your mouth attitude you have about certain bloggers. Again this is pointless - you'll just ignore me like you did on your Ryan White thread but I think I get where Dan was coming from when he was saying he didn't like "curiouser and curiouser" You're not a character from ALice in WOnderland. Your holier the thou atitude and woe is me and my friends and not quite personal attacks on people are wearing thin on me
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
I am going to be completely honest, I am not sure I could have sex with someone who is positive. It really does scare me, and I am informed on it. But after saying that I think about the dumb things I have done which are probably more risky than having sex with someone who is HIV positive. I sometimes wonder if I could love someone with it. Not because of the disease but the fact that if I were to fall in love with them one day they are going to die, and I am not sure I could handle that. I do understand that it is probably much worse for you. I hope that doesn't sound bad.

I did not know you could not enter the USA. I think that is crap!

I don't know anyone personally who has HIV. The first time I ever really heard about it was from the MTV show the real world. They had a guy named Pedro who was openly gay and had HIV. He was also the first guy who I knew was gay. Because of that show I was opened up to a lot of things. I really enjoy reading your posts. I have so much to learn about everything so it is great to get read what you have to say about life in general. You kind of bring things back to reality and make me realize that it is real people who get it. I think when most people think about things like this they think it only happens to other people. But the reality it could happen to anyone. I am sorry if things brings you down, because I am not trying to. I have been an emotional rollercoaster for some time now but I wanted you to know I enjoy reading what you write. Thanks!
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
how LittleWhip operates


laughable little homophobia doesn't exist threads, and self-righteously claimed


Very curious.


generously


But she doesn't mean to be unkind?


She also has the nerve to claim I am defending people who knowingly infect others with AIDS. Say what? Is this woman completely delusional? . PB, please be careful around this one, huh? Remember Marvin? Well she is simply his female counterpart. Only a little bit more original! . But she doesn't mean to be unkind? Please. I'm so sorry that you had to be subjected to such ignorant and completely dishonest folks like this on JU. But please know this. For every Little Whip and Marvin~there's a Muggaz and WiseFawn and MadPoet, etc. So just be very wise and avoid the more homophobic ones here, and you will be okay. I love you brother. Don't ever forget that.


nerve


ignorant and completely dishonest folks like this on JU


homophobic ones


and that's just from the above post.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top

Your holier the thou atitude and woe is me and my friends and not quite personal attacks on people are wearing thin on me


Trina~so LittleWhip coming on my thread about Ryan White and AIDS, and calling me and all my friends a$$holes is not a personal attack? Hello? So how would you expect me to react to that kind of blatantly hostile treartment? Should I just nod and smile and say: Why, thank you Little Whip? Also, she is going on threads and telling outright lies about me. Is that acceptable to you?


One last thing. Why did you also come on my thread and claim something about me that  was merely a partial truth, huh? In order to suit your own purposes? I called you on that. You obviously didn't appreciate it. I also substantiated what I had to say with the original quote in question. Something you could not, and did not do. LittleWhip actually went  on WiseFawn's thread a few days ago with one of my own quotes~and attempted to say that it was stated by WiseFawn herself, and use it to put her down with. Say what? I called her on it. So did WiseFawn. And she didn't like that. So you wanna talk about personal attacks? I wonder why I am being critical of her, huh? So please don't get me started on what's wearing thin here, huh? Phoenixboi is my friend, and I don't care at all for the insensitive way she spoke to him in her comment. I mean, she did say that I and my friends are a$$holes on my Ryan White/AIDS thread, huh? Then she comes here and insults my gay friend with another one of her classic distortions? She doesn't mean to be unkind. Please.


Sorry. I don't buy it. You will have to come up with a more convincing sales pitch in the future. Thank you for the lovely little "not quite personal attack". BTW, do you have any kind words for Phoenixboi at all? I mean, this is his thread, huh? Not LittleWhip's.


~MadPoet


P.S. So are you still feeling ignored?

Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
I didn't say little whip's comment wasn't a personal attack.

Little whip was ONE example of the number of veiled comments I've seen you make about people on your own and other people's blogs.

Sorry. I don't buy it. You will have to come up with a more convincing sales pitch in the future. Thank you for the lovely little "not quite personal attack". BTW, do you have any kind words for Phoenixboi at all? I mean, this is his thread, huh? Not LittleWhip's.


Sacchrine

P.S. So are you still feeling ignored?


I wasn't talking about this comment or the one where I defended Bakerstreet -- I was talking about the one I'd made earlier - I'd asked questions, offered opions - but I think I was just ignored because I agreed with the majority and I didn't suck up to you.

By the way -- it was a nice story for what it was a personal attack on the character of Ronald Reagan and indeed Ryan White -- WHat child do you know with any terminal illness that feels bitterness to anyone. They're far more interested in living out the rest of their lives the best way they can then focusing on blame.
Ryan White wouldn't have been crying tears of bitterness, anger or resentment - nor would he care about meeting Ronald Reagan on the otherside - he was probably playing baseball in heaven with the other deceased children.
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
I have to say that the fighting back and forth really takes away from a great post. I really don't understand why poeple come here and spew their ingnorant remarks. There is no need to waste so much energy fighting with people who are not open minded.
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top

Your holier the thou atitude and woe is me and my friends and not quite personal attacks on people are wearing thin on me


 


 

MP - I'm kinda getting tired of your veiled "nasty comments"


 


anyone with half a brain can see the saccrine in your voice - butter wouldn't melt in your mouth attitude


 


you'll just ignore me


 


he didn't like "curiouser and curiouser"


 


You're not a character from ALice in WOnderland.


Trina~nor are you. So perhaps you should stop trying to sound like one. Everything you accuse me of  here you have just done to me yourself. Does that not sound like the kind of logic that comes straight out of a rabbit hole to you? I thank you again for your "not quite personal" attack on me.


~MadPoet

Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top

I was talking about the one I'd made earlier - I'd asked questions, offered opions - but I think I was just ignored


Trina~actually, I still have several comments on that Ryan White thread I have not had the time to answer yet (do you understand how overwhelming it is to receive THAT many comments in less than a day?),including the one that you just mentioned you left for me there. I did not mean to ignore it at all. In fact, I actually thought you made some very good points. And I DO intend to leave you a comment in return.


I am sorry if you think I ignored you on purpose. It really wasn't that at all. I can tell that you are an intelligent and thoughtful person, so why would I want to ignore you? That's why I'm not ignoring you now~in fact. Because I sense that many of the things you say ARE valid and worthy. But the LittleWhip thing is a bit too much. Period. So let us stop all this bickering, and try to understand each other a little, huh? I will take another peek at your comment on the Ryan White thread, and leave you a comment in return. I promise. And I am very sorry about the misunderstanding.


~MadPoet

Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
I give up - but before I do -- I was being open in my condescention - there was no sweetness it was all said how it was meant to be -- nothing veiled.
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hey Copper Clark

Thanks again for reading and for your comments. It's comments like yours that help me to keep writing.

I understand where your coming from. I dont know how I would be if I didnt have this virus and not know anyone with it etc. See I guess because most of my adult life I have lived with it, and most of my sexual life it has been there so it has been aprt and parcel of the whole experience for me.

So I understand peoples fear. fear of the unknown is always a big one. Fear that I might die soon so there isnt any point in getting close, or fear of infection so a few dont venture there. I understand it. Because I fear it too. Just my foot is in the other shoe.

Whenever I tell someone I am positive, my main concern is how it is going to affect them, how that news is going to make them feel. Ive always been like this. Because it usually stirs up alot of emotions.

Yeah I cant enter the USA ..but I dont really want to. Ive been there and Ive experienced Americans. IM not even going to go there with this thread. But alot of the behaviour displayed on these blogs just proves my point. Im sorry if your American i dont mean to offend you. I can tell you have a much more mature heart.

Im also sick of the bickering and the fighting thats been going on. But Copper, Im here to stir the pot. To make people think, and to reveal like a mirror what makes people really tick inside. In the end they are faced with their own bitterness and hateful morality. Like a snake spitting out venum. Its all very interesting to me. Im not the only one watching.

Keep reading keep commenting its much appreciated!
Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm sorry, but i see nothing unkind about suggesting that someone who is HIV positive forgo ALL sexually risky behavior, regardless of how "educated" his partner might be about the risks. Someone can agree to risk their life to have sex with you, but that doesnt relieve YOU of taking responsibility for your own actions, and how are you going to feel if that loved one then subsequently becomes infected? Are you gonna say...."hey, im sorry ive doomed you to die a slow, horrible death, but its not my fault, you knew the risks?"Anyone who would put anothers life at risk to get their rocks off is beneath contempt in my book, and anyone who would risk their own for the same reasons should have their head examined


So what about the responsibility of the other person after they have been informed and consented?

Have you ever heard of the word LOVE? And do you know what it means?

or does having sex for you little whip only mean "getting your rocks off"??
Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top

Have you ever heard of the word LOVE? And do you know what it means?


Phoenixboi~the answer to both of those questions is NO~Big time! . Hey, just let her continue to stick her reactionary little foot in her mouth~like she has just done. Again, I am sorry you had to be subjected to such grossly insensitive people like her. But try to learn to laugh a little bit at it, huh? I mean, she really does give a bad name to many of the good and kind conservatives that are out there~I actually know quite a few! They really do exist. But she is sorta like THE  MOST tragic reactionary I have ever had the misfortune of being subjected to. And she loves to push buttons. Big time. That's her main game. So just laugh your ass off when she pays you a "friendly" visit, and let it go at that. I mean, that's what I always do now when she turns up on my blog with her so-called comedy routine! . But she is laughable, huh? I mean, I could almost like this woman~as far as her ability to make reactionaries look like a bunch of Archie Bunker clones or something. . SO STAY STRONG FOR THE ONES THAT DO APPRECIATE YOU HERE! AND LEARN TO IGNORE THE FEW THAT ARE SO OBNOXIOUS AND RUDE! TOTALLY COOL ARTICLE DUDE! KEEP ON BLOGGING BIG TIME!


~MadPoet


 

Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top
Dont you get it, SEX with AIDS infected people spreads the disease! Knock it off, already.


I have not to date infected any of the partners that I have been with. I know this for fact.

Because of the attitude of people such as yourself, that is why HIV has the stigma it has.

Thankyou for creating a much better world. Thankyou for being who you are. May the energy that surrounds you shine back on you like a mirror. Above you below you and to every side of you. May you be contained in your own energy, so that you may be a shining example for others to see.

Enjoy. And please dont post your comments here again.


Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top

Seems to me that your insistence on engaging in such behavior shows me how you define "love" it must be accompanied by fluid exchange? Is your orgasm that important?


LittleWhip~another classic! . Would you please carry on like this on my own blog now? Pretty please?  I mean, I am actually starting to have a whole new appreciation of your comic genius! .  This IS just some kind of ridiculous act, huh? Oh, please tell me it is! It's just TOO priceless! . Forgive her PhoenixBoi. She know not.


~MadPoet


P.S. "Knock it off, already." .

Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top

PhoenixBoi~I hope you are not too hurt by this? I mean, I already told you what she is capable of, huh? . I just hope you're not gonna let her drive you away from JU! We need more folks like you here. And it really doesn't get much worse than this~if that is any consolation to you. Please stay. Help us to grow. We need your compassion and insight here so much. And know that several JU folks here like and respect (and even love) you.


~MadPoet


P.S. At least she didn't call us an a$$hole this time! .

Reply #24 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hmm well its getting heated in here.

I dont know if little whip is still reading this but Im not too worried

To answer her question, now that she has told me that it is because of my actions that HIV is spread.. well I have made a conscious decision that I will only have sex with people who are positive. Because I understand the emotional rollercoaster that goes on, and I dont want to put people through what I have gone through.

My points before was that for people who havent made that decision, well it takes 2 to tango, and I believe if you are informed and have consented then the responsibility is with both partners. Not just one. I mean if I was to think like little whip then I would be thinking..well maybe the other person has a cold or the flui or herpes and that could put my life in danger as my immune system is compromised. Did she think of that? No I dont think so. It would be my fault and the responsibility would lay solely with me. Fortunately I see that having sex is more than just getting my rocks off. If I wated to get my rocks off I would have a wank.

Thanks for your encouragement MadPoet. You keep Blogging too. It takes more than people like little whip to make me disappear.

Cheers!
Reply #25 from JoeUser Forums Top

Thanks for your encouragement MadPoet. You keep Blogging too. It takes more than people like little whip to make me disappear.


PB~that's the BEST news I've heard for several days now! It would get rather lonely around here without you~I always learn so much from you and your smart articles, etc. SO STICK AROUND BIG TIME!


~MadPoet


P.S. What is the time difference between us like? It is now around 5am here (USA~Pacific Northwest). I'm gonna try and send you an email now! Send me a quick reply~so I won't be so darned worried about you, huh?. And have a really awesome day mate! Cheers!