It's all becoming clear....

from JoeUser Forums

I had complained last week that my birth mother hadn't been in contact with me, despite having had contact info for myself AND a neutral third party.

Some people said to give it some time, some said that she might not be able to handle it....there were various theories about her silence.

So, I decided to go and do some digging.  I know all of her married names, so I searched for all of them in the local newspapers of the town where she lives.

I was shocked at what I got.  It's not about her, it's about her last husband (I know the names of all of her husbands too). 

He's done prison time for child molestation and indecent exposure.  He started out flashing people, moved up to standing in front of people's houses and masturbating, and culminated with touching little girls in inappropriate places and ways. 

My birth mother's husband is a pedophile.  No wonder she's not been in touch.  She's probably embarrassed all to hell.  I don't mind, I mean it's not like she molested anyone...but I can understand if this was the thing that's been causing her reluctance.

I wonder what other skeletons are in my biological famiy's closet?

 

4,056 views 19 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top

Perhaps another letter is in order?

Yeah, I was going to ask you what you thought about that.  I didn't know if it was appropriate or not, and I'm not sure how to tactfully say "I know your ol' man's a pervert'.

Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
IMHO, there's no need for further contact. If its true that she is remaining married to someone who abused children, then you really couldn't have an in-person relationship, since you'd have to kill the fekker if he ever decided to "drop in" I'm not sure what you want from the relationship, but obviously she's not going to be "mom" and from this tidbit of information I dunno how she could be a friend.

That isn't a bad thing, for either of you, and in fact it can be tactful ON YOUR PART. There are people I know, that I probably "should" be friends with, but then I know how different we are, how our values differ, and how I would be putting them in really awful positions.

I wouldn't, for instance, be friends with someone who carelessly talked about adult things or undermined my moral ideals in front of my child. They couldn't be themselves around me. If put in the position, they'd have to betray their own ideals to "fit in." That isn't fair to them.

For instance, if your neighbor was a really nice person, but was also a Jehova's Witness, who felt obligated to convert you, and even your kids, to their religion, would it be right to instigate such a friendship? Think of the annoyance, not because of maliciousness, but because you require them to be something other than what they are in order to take part in the friendship you asked for.

So, if this woman is tolerant of a pig child molester, maybe it would be better not to ask her into a place where she would have to tolerate the summary judgement he deserves. Someone probably should smack her in the head, but for obvious reasons it shouldn't be your job. If you pursue a friendship with her, you'll probably be volunteering for it eventually.
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Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm not sure what you want from the relationship, but obviously she's not going to be "mom" and from this tidbit of information I dunno how she could be a friend.


When I started looking for her all I really wanted was a medical history....and that's really all I want, period. I've been struggling with what kind of relationship she might want...and I've come to the conclusion that in reality NO realtionship would work. This latest revelation isn't bothering me too much yet...I don't know if they're still together or what. Now if they ARE still man and wife, then I have to question her reasoning because I know she's got my genetic sisters living with her - and subsequently with him.

They're not going to be dropping by anytime soon, Baker. They live in England and are, from what I can glean, poor as church mice. Which is probably why she hasn't been in touch yet. If money's tight, the last thing you want to do is spend on sending letters and making calls abroad (I did tell her to call collect, btw).

Nope, there aren't any millionaires in my family. Just child molestors and perverts.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
I would run backwards from this, Karen. I really would


I know, I know. I had the same reaction. I'm still sort of having the same reaction.

I think that the best thing to do now is for me to compose another letter tomorrow, telling her that I know about things that have happened....and telling her that I really don't feel that I can pursue any kind of relationship with her at this time - that I would just like a medical history and be done with it.

I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. That's getting harder and harder to do.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
Wow... talk about information overload, eh? Don't know how I'd deal with all the news you have coming your way these days. I think my brain would have to just shut down at some point. I honestly don't know how I'd handle this. I tend to not hold one person's sins against someone else... but by the same token, if she IS still with him, and he's living with her children, then she does bear some responsibility for that. As you said, she won't be "dropping by" anytime soon... so perhaps correspondence could still be kept up, if you have any desire for that. I guess I'd be sincere with her and tell her of your concern, and also that you NEED the medical history. Whatever you get beyond that you can deal with at a later date.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
normally I "suggest" D, this time I am advice giving ok?

Run for your lifeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top

Do you know for sure that she even got your first letter, dharma? I've had the worst time getting things to Brenda-mum, from taking literally months to arrive to disappearing altogether.

Yeah, I know she got it. 

normally I "suggest" D, this time I am advice giving ok?

Run for your lifeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not quite that easy.  I need something from  her, you see, and if I don't get it then this whole thing will have been for nothing.

I tend to not hold one person's sins against someone else... but by the same token, if she IS still with him, and he's living with her children, then she does bear some responsibility for that.

I'm trying to do the same thing.  There's so much I don't know....I'm going to go and do some more poking around this morning and see if I can find out what's up.

Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Well, that wasn't hard to do.

He's dead.

That solves that problem, huh?
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top

I alos found another conviction for molesting a child.  An 8 year old girl.  It's interesting to note that ALL his convictions come AFTER the date of their marriage, and there is no divorce decree, only a death certificate that I believe is his.

That changes things a bit.

I'm going to take LW's advice and send another letter, this time including a SSAE to see if she responds then.  I'm not going to make any mention of her husband's escapades, I'm just going to tell her that I want a medical history and that once I've got it I'll leave her alone.

Christ on a cracker, this isn't turning out the way I thought it would...

Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top

I wonder if his convictions were for molesting your sisters?

I don't know.  I sure as fuck hope not.  The report that I got said that they were teenagers who were in an amateur dramatic association play that he was stage manager for.  Because they were minors it didn't name them or say if they were any relation to him.

If they were my sisters, and she stayed with him after the fact...well, that speaks volumes.

Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top

If they were my sisters, and she stayed with him after the fact...well, that speaks volumes.

Or not.  Not every woman is an Amazon.  You have got some facts, but so far, none of the story. Another letter would not hurt.  The worse that would happen is silence.

Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top

Or not. Not every woman is an Amazon.

Yeah, but what kind of a woman stays married to the man who molested her children?? 

Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top

Yeah, but what kind of a woman stays married to the man who molested her children??

I will never understand what kind.  But I know they exist.  And some are not bad people, just weak willed ones who are in a dominated relationship.

Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top

And some are not bad people, just weak willed ones who are in a dominated relationship.

Knowing what you know about me, can you see me having any kind of a meaningful relationship with a woman like that?

 

Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top

Knowing what you know about me, can you see me having any kind of a meaningful relationship with a woman like that?

No, and I would have agreed with all that said run.  Except you are doing it for medical reasons.

Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
(((D)))

I think everyone has covered this pretty well.

Just want you to know my prayers are with you.
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
think everyone has covered this pretty well.


Ditto on this!


Just want you to know my prayers are with you.


And this too.


I hope you will be able to get the answers to your medical questions too.
Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
No, and I would have agreed with all that said run. Except you are doing it for medical reasons.

Yeah, and I might not get even that now. if she doesn't want to tell me, there's not much I can do.

Just want you to know my prayers are with you.


Thank you. That's very meaningful.

I hope you will be able to get the answers to your medical questions too


Me too, although I'm not holding out any hope.