My First Experience with Alcohol

Didn't I start out my adult life wonderfully?

from JoeUser Forums
I wrote this in an email I just sent to a friend:

I am now one of those stupid hypocritical, two-faced bratty Christians. And it sucks knowing I'm such a hypocrite. This weekend I got fucking drunk, although I do remember almost everything. I'm not even sure why I did it... and I wasn't stupid about it. I didn't drive, I didn't do anything dumb. It was just a couple girls and me. And, now I'm on a complete guilt trip, but at the same time, I'd probably do it again if I could go back. I don't even know what I want anymore. My 19 month relationship with my soon to be ex is falling apart, and it's all my fault. And, I just don't know who I am anymore.

I almost feel guilty because my friends puked their guts out, and I was fine. I'm proud and ashamed that I could "hold my liquor". I drank as much as them and one of them pretty much broke her nose running into my cupboards. I had't laughed so hard in so long... over everything. Our stupidity. Our giddiness. I mean, I'm hungover, but all I feel is stoned. Between Friday night (two of us) and Saturday night (three of us) we drank almost a whole bottle of Vodka and 11 beer). It was SO much fun and we got it on camcorder. Wow... I AM SO TWO-FACED. Damnit.

Last weekend I smoked a pack of cigarettes... just because I could (I'm 18). I don't regret it. It's like, whatever, I'm not even addicted at all, and I just did it to say I did. I really don't think it's a sin or that big of a deal. Stupid? Probably.

Wow, didn't I start out my adult life wonderfully?

One of my friends is all like, "I didn't know you. I never knew you... you betrayed my trust, etc." But, the hard part about it is that I don't know me. It's like I never knew myself. And it's not just because of this past weekend... I've felt this way for a long time. I feel lost in my own life.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Like my co-drunk said, "I wish there was just one little thing I was sure of."

~Sarah
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7,402 views 10 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
Yeah, religion teaches not to do things but as humans we are compelled to do those things that we shouldn't. Taboos are a double edged sword, the very fact that something is taboo will compell people to do it. Are you past your thirties? That's the only way that not knowing yourself completely would be deemed unusual. Take it easy.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hey enigma, thanks for the comment. I'm not so worried about "religion" as I am with God. I'm worried about what He thinks, because religion is just a cliche word for legalism.

And no, I just turned 18... so I have a ways to go. Ugh.


~Sarah
Multiplicity - Control multiple PCs using one keyboard and mouse
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Satan knows where to find you now
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
No prob, yeah I feel the same way about "religion" in its organized form. It's good to realize that you have a ways to go, as Socrates said "I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance", it's a lot better than thinking you know everything and being naive.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
So you ain't perfect. Don't sweat it. Like Little Whip told me, there was only one Perfect Man and look what they did to him. Plus, you gotta ignore shit like:


Satan knows where to find you now


That will get you absolutley nowhere. Take care, girl.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
"Wow, didn't I start out my adult life wonderfully?"

yah u have

it's good to try new things, and none of the things u did were self-destructive (unless u pick up smoking for the long-term, drinking is ok bcz i don't think u will be doing that to the point that u fall into a coma)

u r breaking up with ur boyfriend and some of ur friendships r changing on u, which is pretty normal, many relationships do not last forever and it is very rare and unnatural when they do. u may have dated ur boyfriend for 19 months but to expect to get anything out of ur first serious relationship would be ridiculous, and people change as they grow up, so of course some of ur friendships will change as u do

u act like u have committed some unforgiveable crime when u r just experiencing some parts of life that u have hitherto been unable to experience. even with ur religious background i don't think there is a reason to be upset over ur "lack of restraint," bcz u gain wisdom through life experiences... making "mistakes" (i say this from a religious point of view, i personally don't think smoking some cigs and downing a few beers with friends are mistakes) r what make u a better person bcz u learn from them or u gain insight from them. then when u tell ur children or whatever, "don't pick up a smoking habit, don't drink excessively," or whatever u will truly understand why u r telling them this and can explain to them better than u would if u were just reciting lines from a church pamphlet

don't be upset or anything, i mean that's just weird, ur bent out of shape over a bottle of vodka, some beer, and a pack of cigs, there are far far worse things in this world. have u dropped acid?? snorted coke??? failed school?? u don't give urself enough credit or leeway, for an 18 year old u r doing well on many levels.

u r still young, there is no reason to be so uptight about life. experiment and see things, i mean we live in a diverse world with diverse people who do diverse things, the best way way to become a well-rounded person, or from ur perspective, a better Christian, is to live a full life - that means try a lot of new things, know what losing a friend is like, etc.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sorry I haven't responded sooner. I didn't get the email update, and only today checked my comments.

Satan knows where to find you now


I'm not exactly sure what you meant by that, sushi, but you're right, Satan knows our weaknesses, and will try and get us where we're most vulnerable.

So you ain't perfect. Don't sweat it. Like Little Whip told me, there was only one Perfect Man and look what they did to him.


Thanks, Shovelheat.

don't be upset or anything, i mean that's just weird, ur bent out of shape over a bottle of vodka, some beer, and a pack of cigs, there are far far worse things in this world. have u dropped acid?? snorted coke??? failed school?? u don't give urself enough credit or leeway, for an 18 year old u r doing well on many levels.


john, I don't like to compare myself to other people, and be like, "Well, I'm okay because other people do worse shit." I want to stick to my standards, and I guess that's what I was most disappointed in. But, you're right, it's over, and I'm not going to get all bent out of shape over it. I can, and hope that I did, learn from my mistakes.

Thanks for the comments.

~Sarah
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top

Satan knows where to find you, but God's already there with you. 

Trinitie

Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
So you ain't perfect. Don't sweat it. Like Little Whip told me, there was only one Perfect Man and look what they did to him. Plus, you gotta ignore shit like:


Satan knows where to find you now


Sorry BigDreamer i was using the phrase as a religious litmus test to see how religious you were. not in a bad way
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
Not only did you start out adult life wonderfully, you are right on course. What I mean is we all start off with big ideas and lofty ambition and the truth of the matter is everybody's got regret, mistakes, etc. Those are the things you learn from. You are now starting the process of becoming you. It's funny, but when you're a kid, the world wants to fit you into their little categories (so you can learn to be part of the human community), and for the most part, everyone conforms. Being an adult means questioning every idea you were raised with and really testing to see if that's what you really believe (then keep it) or it isn't (throw that idea away). Welcome to adulthood - it beats childhood hands down.
Congrats and watch your drinking! One only get one liver!