that's really funny ...and, unfortunately, probably more true than not

I know some of these have been around for awhile, but there are a couple I haven't seen yet. It's still funny what companies have to do to get around lawsuits.


Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible.
These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction
accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant
approached a blonde sitting in the first class section
and requested that she move to economy since she did
not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York
and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight
attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He
went to talk with the woman asking her to please move
out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
New York and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the
captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm
married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in
the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran
to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why
didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot
asked what he said to her that finally convinced
her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her
the first class section wasn't going to New York."

I'm off to Florida for Easter vacation today.
Thank you Ph00ey for the Disney and Universal Studio information.

See ya!

*Kim*

Human Resources Forms


In order to standardize our Human Resources forms we now use just 7
reasons for termination (Based on Snow White and the Seven Dwarves):

Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone. Too much time spent
telling jokes at the water cooler.

Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.

Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.

Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player. Trouble with
early mornings.

Dopey: Made several critical errors at work costing the company money,
e.g., misappropriated company funds.

Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for the
employee to complete work in a timely fashion.

Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls. Too often
let workplace disagreements simmer.

OTHERS
Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with
organizational policies.

Snow White: Sexual misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while under
some kind of trance.

Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be cooped up in the office all day.
Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system, please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for help. With your co-operation we should be able
to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.

1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
____________________________-_________________________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
______________________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
______________________________________________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
______________________________________________________

17. If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in.
______________________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?
_____________________________________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood.
_____________________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?
Yes__

An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very
first time. The doctor was very thorough in his examination,
and of course the old woman was quite embarrassed. Finally,
the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed
and come in to his office to talk about his findings.

The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the
results. She then said she really only had one question for him.

The doctor said, "What is the question you have?"

"Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?"

Humor from the doctors office.

A man comes into the ER and yells; "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
-Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
-Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."
-Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't
even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had
done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes
covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
-Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA


During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I
had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the
man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
-Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered
"Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
-Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I
can't seem to get used to the taste,"the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
-Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI


And the winner is:
A new, young MD doing his residency was embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously
formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed
him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"

Newest Medications for Women :

D A M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up
to 8 hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six
hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they
were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a
better person ...can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

EXTRA STRENGTH BUY-ONE-ALL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by
Dr. Laura

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember
your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with
total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not
now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

R A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the
wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia
Whack. So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy
a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he
wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is
Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he
knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money
and that he will need to secure some collateral against the
loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall that is bright pink
and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with
the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit
Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
$30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up
the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"...

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick
knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

I don't get it.... or my english is to bad, or I'm just too dumb

Styl Skinner it's a play on words from a childrens song.

Discovered

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and man was a complete mess after that.

nice one, ok so I understand why I was not getting the joke before...

Alcohol Warnings


Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:


WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell you friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING:*
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your bra.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns.

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

#836 is a classic....great stuff...

Some Easter Quickies...


Q: How should you send a letter to the Easter Bunny?
A: By hare mail!

Q: What do you need if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear?
A: You need an eggsplanation!

Q: How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
A: With a hare dryer!

Q: How is the Easter Bunny like Michael Jordan?
A: They're both famous for stuffing baskets!

Q: What's red and blue and sogs up your Easter basket?
A: Colored scrambled eggs!

Q: Did you hear about the farmer who fed crayons to his chickens?
A: He wanted them to lay colored eggs!

Q: What did one colored egg say to the other?
A: 'Heard any good yolks lately!'

Q: What's big and purple and hugs your Easter basket?
A: The Easter Barney!

Q: How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?
A: He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.

Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?
A: They lived hoppily ever after!

Q: Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish in the sea?
A: The Oyster Bunny!

Q: What will the Easter Bunny be doing after Easter?
A: One to three for breaking and entering.

Q: How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
A: Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot!

Q: Did you hear the one about the fifty-pound jelly bean?
A: It's pretty hard to swallow!

Q: Did you hear the one about the Easter Bunny who sat on a bee?
A: It's a tender tail

Q: Why do we paint Easter eggs?
A: Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

Q: Who is the Easter Bunny's favorite movie actor?
A: Rabbit De Niro!

Q: Does the Easter Bunny like baseball?
A: Oh, yes. He's a rabbit fan!

Q: What's pink, has five toes, and is carried by the Easter Bunny?
A: His lucky people's foot!

Q: What's long and stylish and full of cats?
A: The Easter Purrade!

Q: What has long ears, four legs, and is worn on your head?
A: An Easter bunnet!

HEAVENLY MARRIAGE

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, this couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. In conversation while waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and in conversation, they begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work out?, " they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor.

The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."

"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."

"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."

"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.

"Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice.

She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's calling please?."

Pleased to meet ya BoBoMoe! Great Jokes!


Signs That You Are Broke


1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
6. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
7. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.
8. McDonalds is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
9. At communion you go back for seconds.

You Know It's Time To Diet When....

1. You dance and it makes the band skip.
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
8. You could sell shade.
9. Your blood type is Ragu.
10. You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.

You Know The World Is Changing When...

1. The best golfer is black
2. The most popular rapper is white
3. The biggest guy in the NBA is Chinese
4. The French accuse the US of arrogance
5. And the Germans won't fight a war!

Good one David!

HILLBILLY LOVE POEM

Suzie Anne done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo'Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo'half brother"

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...

You can't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Jo and several mo'
I know is yo'half brother"

But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse -racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to
the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

I live across the road from an Ass farm.