Sorry for the Formating...my Dad just sent this to me.

With all of this talk of impending war, many of us will encounter
"Peace
Activists" who will try and convince us that we must refrain from
retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September
11,2001.

These activists may be alone or in a gathering.....most of us don't
know
how
to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of
their
rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:

1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a
conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas.
They
will
tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who
did
this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably
use
many
arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.

2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in
the
nose.

3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry
and
they may try to hit you, so be careful.

4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings
about
more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them
if
they are really committed to a nonviolent approach to undeserved
attacks,
they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them
they
must
lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.

5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are
correct.

6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them
much
harder. Square in the nose.

7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the
idiot
realizes how stupid an argument he/she is making.

8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting
victim
or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It is
unacceptable
and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost. We owe our military a
huge
debt for what they are about to do for us and our children. We must
support
them and our leaders at times like these. We have no choice.

We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the
nose.

Just remember,

it takes 42 muscles to smile,

but only 3 to cold clock the s. o. b.

IPlural!

Did I say something funny?

Good one werewolf!

Dogfight

Bush and Saddam decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Saddam found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Iraqi dog. When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards Saddam's dog. Saddam's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American Dachshund--but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Saddam's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Saddam came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." That's nothing," said Bush. "We had the best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog." GOD BLESS AMERICA

Special Notice

As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for
a better working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.. GMT on April 1st until 12:01 a.m, GMT on April 2nd During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will
search the Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.

2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.

3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the Internet.

4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users,and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the
Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Interconnected Network Maintenance staff,
Main branch,
Massachusetts Institute of Technology

*****************

Please notify your friends relatives and business associates on this event so they too will be prepared.
WC will also be doing additional maintainence on their Wallpaper section at that time as well.

The Pig


Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly.
Saddam told his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what 'appened."
One hour later, Saddam sees his driver staggering back from the farm, smiling from ear to ear, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a big ole cigar in the other.
"What 'appen to you?" he asked.
"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine and the cigar, and then his wife and their 19-year-old daughter made wild passionate love with me for an hour."
"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Saddam.
The driver answered: "Good evening. I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."

"Simple Truths"



The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.



Never take life too seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway.



One good turn gets all of the blankets.



There are two kinds of pedestrians;
The quick and the dead.



An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.



A closed mouth gathers no feet.



When weeding your garden, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it's a valuable plant.



Tell a man there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you.Tell him a bench has wet paint,and he has to touch it.

You might be from the Pacific Northwest if.........

1. You know the state flower (Mildew)

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" Signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, and Willamette.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."

17. You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks".

18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

19. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

20. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.

21. You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.

22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.

23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

26. You knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's window was fake.

27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.

28. You measure distance in hours.

29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.

30. You use a down comforter in the summer.

31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.

32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer) Deer & Elk season (Fall).

34. You actually understand these jokes and forward them.

Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio
Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an
affordable price; in the $6-8 range. While wine connoisseurs may not
be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their
shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken,
professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, RI.
"There is wine in a box that people are willing to buy," she said. "The
right name is important".

The top 15 suggested names for Wal-Mart wine:

15. Box O' Grapes
14. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
13. White Trashfindel
12. Big Red Gulp
11. Grape Expectations
10. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
9. NASCARbernet
8. Chef Boyardeaux
7. Peanut Noir
6. Stagger Home
5. Chateau des Moines
4. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling

and the number one suggested name for Wal-Mart wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

An Old Guys Opinion
If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, D.C. But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early (to pee). If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er ... one."

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.

He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, to wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out.

To learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

Keila!


It's that time of year!

The Tax Poem

Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teach him taxes are no joke.
Tax his car, tax his ass
Tax the roads he must pass.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX

Good one!

OMG, I was like almost 60posts behind. I didn't read all, but read a good bit. Alot were really really good. I need to find more. I can't post alot of mine Too bad, too naughty, too kinky.

Lamaze Class


A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand -- to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The Lamaze instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

*Kim*

Kim!

Asking her out

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and
blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

Peace Activist Etiquette

With all of this talk of impending war, many of us will encounter
"Peace Activists" who will try and convince us that we must refrain
from retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September
11, 2001, and those who support terror.

These activists may be alone or in a gathering.....most of us
don't know how to react to them. When you come upon one of these
people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of
etiquette:

1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a
conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas.
They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the
people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They
will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious
to humanitarian.

2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in
the nose.

3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry
and they may try to hit you, so be careful.

4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings
about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter.
Tell them if they are really committed to a nonviolent approach to
undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a
solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe
what they are saying.

5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are
correct.

6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them
much harder. Square in the nose.

7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the
idiot realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making.

8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting
victim or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It is
unacceptable and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost.

We owe our military a huge debt for what they are about to do for
us and our children. We must support them and our leaders at times
like these. We have no choice. We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we
will keep getting hit in the nose.

Lesson over, class dismissed.

we already know this one...

The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their
hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait. The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I
fear," carefully spelling the key word.

Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t!"

*Kim*

Hungover Signs

* You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
* Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
* Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
* You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.
* You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
* You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
* The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
* All day long your motto is, "Never again."
* You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
* Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

I remember that

After the Operation


The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.

"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

Doctor...."Got some bad news and some good news."
Patient...."What's the bad news?"
Doctor...."We had to amputate both your legs."
Patient...."What's the good news then?"
Doctor...."Patient in the next bed wants to buy your thongs."