bump

Spinal,

The greatest joke in the world (as voted on in England);

Two hunters out in the New Jersey wilds, one falls over, an apparant heart attack.

The other hunter dials 911 on his cell phone and starts screaming at the EMT on the other end that he thinks his buddy is dead.

The EMT says "take it slow, the first thing we have to do is make sure that he is dead."

Silence on the line. Then the EMT hears "BANG!"

The hunter gets back on the phone and says "ok, what's next?"


I may have changed it slightly but that is the basic joke. Went over pretty well where I work, a hospital.

mrtee!

New Inspectors

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams
who are in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the
United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash?

We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to
finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty
clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out
of the cupboard and splatters on the floor ... and these are
the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons
of mass destruction?

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in.
Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can
find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads
have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff
out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when
the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a
quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother
can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in
the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away!
By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than
Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to a question,
she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective.
Considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team,
why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic
equipment to scout out hidden threats?

My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand,
grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man,
do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him
if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to
some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb
and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap!
Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes
across his bare butt with that soup spoon, then march him home
in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean
and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad
for free for the whole damn summer.

Inspectors, my butt ... you want the job done?
Call my mother.

*Kim*

http://home.attbi.com/~manuel_luna/Gallery/Baby.mpg

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,
this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

A man was complaining that his wife kept asking him for money.
"It's money, money, money, all the time," he said.
"What does she do with all the money?" asked the bystander.
"Dont know," was the reply; "havent given her none yet."

A man walked into a dairy and asked, "How do you sell your milk?"
The dairyman replied, "By the yard."
The man said, "All right, measure me off a yard."
The dairyman dipped his fingers in a can of milk, ran it along the table and remarked triumphantly, "There you are."
The man answered, "You're all right, please wrap it up--I'll take it with me."

Arriving home one evening a man found the house locked up.
After many futile attempts at various windows on the first floor, he finally climbed onto the shed roof and with much difficulty entered through a second story window.
On the dining room table he found a note from his wife.
"I have gone out. You will find the key under the mat at the front door."

A man who was wanted by the police had been photographed previously in six different posistions, and the pictures were circulated among the police departments.
The Chief of Police in a rural county phoned headquarters a few days later after the pictures had been distributed and said:
"I have received the pictures of the six miscreants and have arrested five of them, and the sixth is now under observation and will be arrested shortly."

" ONLY IN AMERICA"

Signs...

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a
car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your
payment.
However, if you don't, YOU will be!!"
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and
get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator
Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on rubbish truck...'Satisfaction guaranteed or twice your rubbish back'...

Title of picture framer's in Melbourne....'Artholes'...

Happy St. Patricks Day!

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked. "Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe ......" "But about your foot.....?" "This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing." "What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently. "Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

*Kim*

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the saloon, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MA HOSS?", he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER DRINK AND IF MA HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another drink, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks,

"Say, partner, before you go...What happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

Fagan made a lot of money in his furniture store one year so he went to Paris for a holiday.
"Twas grand," he told his friends in Galway.
"How did you get on," asked Padraig McGiolla, "and with not a word of the language in you."
"Twas simple. Look at the girleen I met in the park. I drew a picture of a taxi and she knew what I meant so we went for a drive. I drew a lot of plates and cutlery and she knew I wanted her to go for dinner. I drew two people dancing and we went to a night club. At the end of the evening she took the pencil from me and drew a big double bed...."
"Would you believe it," said Padraig with awe. "She even knew you were in the furniture business."

One fine day in Ireland, an American tourist is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one.
Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same tourist is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
"I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "What?! Only once or twice a week?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much", replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country
Songs...

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You
Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
12. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

*Kim*

Why do blondes smile during lightning storms?

They think their pictures are being taken!

bump

hey, we're bumping again > let me play among
bump bump bump bump...
well ok, here's a joke:

driver runs into a bar and ask to a guy sitting in the front:
are there any pinguins of 30 centimeters?
the guy sais: well, yeah, but they are just born...
the drivers asks: are there any pinguins of 80 centimeters?
the guy sais: yeah, thats a addult pinguin...
the driver asks: are there any pinguins of 1.65??
the guy sais: no, not as far as i know....

the driver: DAMN in that case I drove over a Non again

Thanks CerebroJD, Styl skinner, Kim & mrtee for keeping things bumped during my absence

on to the Jokes!


The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know about sex, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make lasagna."

Glad to be of assistance. So here is another.

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"

"What for?" the mad scientist asked. "Murder? Or would it be suicide?"

And the policeman's answer was, "Neither. It's for making an obscene clone fall."

You're welcome,Phooey! Good to see you back!


As a new bride, Edna moved into the small home of her
husband, Jack. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet
and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Jack left the box alone, until Edna was old and
dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order,
he found the box again and thought it might hold something
important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He
took the box to her and asked about the contents. My mother
gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She
told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every
time I got mad at you."

Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad
at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"That's the money I've made selling the doilies."


*Kim*

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears.

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.