You Know You've Joined A Cheap HMO When . . .


10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."

5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

LMAO Phooey, that last one was bad.

Bad? I copied off my HMO benefit package!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN THE YEAR 2003 WHEN:
a. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they
do not have a e-mail address.
b. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
c. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so
she can create a screen saver.
d. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
e. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of
the screen.
f. You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.
g. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
h. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.
i. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
j. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
k. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
l. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
m. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
n. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
o. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
p. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.
q. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E- mail on your way back to bed.
r. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
s. You're reading this.
t. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

And I think most of these apply to alot of peeps here

WEAKSID! it applies to me!

I think Ph00ey and I have the same HMO!

/me looks a Ph00ey differently now that she's seen his softer side You tell funny jokes but oh! you write beautiful poetry!

I resemble that, Weaksid!

Kim, stop it...you're making me blush!

More Hospital Jokes!

Cheaper


Last time I was in the hospital, I really enjoyed myself:
Patting the bottoms of the pretty nurses, offering to show them my circumcision scar, and the like. One nurse finally had all she could stand of my crude behavior and said, "A pervert like you should be living in a house of prostitution!"
I grinned at her and said, "Well, it WOULD be cheaper than here, but I can't get my insurance to pay for it!"

Three women all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day,the women
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know
they went home early.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and
they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the
blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Mr werewolf!!!

werewolf !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.

They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.

One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia." Which of us is correct?

The old man replies, "Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean!" The guy says, "Can't you tell the difference?"

"Well," says the Doc, "the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what ya do...Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, - don't have sex with her anymore!"

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, please try to call again later.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.



.....and so to bed.....

Mr Xaltec! You tickle me!

Ph00ey blushes??

A man's car breaks down right in front of a farm and he's trying to fix it when he hears a voice coming behind him, "You have water in the gas tank." The man turns around and all he sees is a cow from the farm.
He goes back to his car and again the same voice says, "You have water in the gas tank." The man turns around again and he sees the cow but this time the voice came again but it's from the cow, "You have water in the gas tank."
The man is shocked so he knocks on the door of the farmer's house. When the farmer answers the door the man says, "The cow talked to me and said I had water in my gas tank. He can talk?"

The farmer replied, "Ignore him, the cow doesn't know a thing about cars."

*Kim*

Kimbabe? I tickle you?? o000o!
This could be my lucky day!! hehehe

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replies -,
"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."





...Hey... I'm an ex bar manager... I can understand the guys pain!!

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"

"I haven't got any money!"

Mr. Xaltec..I have to admit...you can give me a run for the money with the jokes! I tip my hat to you!

More Hospital humor...You getting these Wom & Fuzzy?


Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

85 Year Old Patient and the Jar

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the day he received it.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Heck, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't open that jar!"

What were you thinking??

You know you're a nurse if......

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.

You believe not all patients are annoying...some are unconscious.

Your sense of humor seems to get more warped each year.

You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock

Almost everything can seem humorous...eventually.

When asked, What color is the patient's diarrhea?, you show them your shoes.

Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing to you than he can.

You carry spare meds in your pocket rather than wait for the pharmacy to deliver.

You refuse to watch ER because it's too realistic and it triggers flashbacks.

Great Lines From Job Evaluations.....

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the family tree.



I think these guys work for me!