I'm watching you, Mr. Xaltec
and you too Ph00ey !

DEFINITIONS ACCORDING TO GENDER

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female: Any part under a car's hood.
b. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. male: Playing football without a jockstrap.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
a. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
b. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
b. male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run or goal. Also good for mooning.
5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement and male
bonding.
8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 minutes.

*Kim*

Kim! ph00ey will love that one

Eeeep! Kimbabe's watching me?
Better try to keep em non-sexist now then huh?






Do i know any non-sexist jokes?





Ah!.....
Here's one!

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm
sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout
and drowned."

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at
least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda, no."
"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

That might have been the only one i know tho!

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat!*... he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat?
Could you describe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said...
"He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied.
"I meant, what did he look like *before* you hit him?"

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

ok... so i do know a few non-sexist jokes....

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again...
"I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled - "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" asked the husband after the sailor came back down. "We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor. "from up there it looked like you were."

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

"By golly, he's right," said the husband.
"It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

Woth thinging about...


Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

How come there aren't B batteries?

If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

*** Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ***


Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why do your feet smell and your nose runs?
Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic...shouldn't they already know you're coming?
Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why don't they just use fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie?
Why don’t you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?

A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what?
Are there any unguided missiles?
Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?
How can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Do fat people go skinny-dipping or do they call it fat-dipping?
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?
Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
Do hummingbirds hum because they don’t know the words?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
When they asked George Washington for his ID, did he just whip out a quarter?
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip?
How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
Where are the germs that cause ‘good’ breath?
Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?
Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why are they called "stands" when they’re made for sitting?
Why aren’t there ever any guilty bystanders?
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers?
Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

ok... That'll do for the lists today i think!

Last one for now...
Time to let others have a chance!

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"No - We talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it!"

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me! Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"
See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure.
Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."

Here ya go girls!

Martha Stewart Says:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me
up." Real Women Say: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. Please recite with me the "Real Women's" motto: "I
made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Martha Stewart says:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away. Real Women say: Take a lime, mix
it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the
headache, but who cares?

Martha Stewart says:
Stuff marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream
drips. Real Women say: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your
feet up, eating it anyway.

Martha Stewart says:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes. Real Women say: Buy Hungry Jack potato mix and keep it in the
pantry for up to a year.

Martha Stewart says:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of
the cake. Real Women say: Go to the bakery. They will even decorate it
for you.

Martha Stewart says:
Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking for a glossy finish.
Real Women say: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Martha Stewart says:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. Real Women say:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally, the most important tip...

Martha Stewart says:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces. Real Women say: What leftover wine????????

The Best Gunfighter Alive

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.

The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

"No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

LMAO, I liked that one.

Man, a page behind

oh my, werewolf!

werewolf!

*Kim*

Why I'm so Tired


For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice... no wonder I'm tired

In honor of our friends stuck in the hospital...a few hospital jokes

Fuzzy & Wom...don't read these till you're healed...I'm sure it will hurt to laugh for awhile!

Hospital Charts


Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (yikes! )

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

True Medical Stories

A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and just finishes
jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's in the wrong one.

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he died from a "massive internal fart."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read
the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and
discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!"

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the
doctor "The patch," he replied, "the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and I've run out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what
he hoped he wouldn't see . . . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long since you have been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years . . . when my husband was still alive."

A nurse caring for a woman asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't get used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled "KY Jelly." (Don't eat the Jelly, Wom!)