Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White
house from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a
park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would
like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked
away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said
to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President
Clinton." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just
walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with
President Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,
looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have
been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton; I've told you already that Mr.
Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you
understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

patience grasshopper

This is for Mr. Xaltec

Why Chocolate is Better Than a Man

Chocolate is sweet no matter what kind of mood you're in.
Chocolate stimulates endorphin secretion, which leads to euphoria. Every time.
Chocolate is always predictable yet never boring.
Chocolate doesn't have a preferred position.
Chocolate doesn't care if I weigh 120 pounds or 220 pounds.
Chocolate is cheap and easy but delivers like a King.
Chocolate doesn't talk back.
Chocolate isn't loud and obnoxious.
Chocolate doesn't need to have control.
Chocolate doesn't whine nor have PMS (but is very helpful on those days!).
Chocolate doesn't require the use of the remote control.
Chocolate doesn't feel the need to shoot a deer.
Chocolate doesn't tell me my opinion is incorrect.
Chocolate doesn't steal the covers.
Chocolate doesn't have to explain or convince me of how great it is.
Chocolate is good whether hot or cold.
Chocolate doesn't roll eyes or pout.
Unlike a dog, chocolate cannot get pregnant and have five babies.
A chocolate facial could be a beautiful thing.
Chocolate doesn't play games and isn't into sports YET Chocolate always wins.

Hope I get chocolate for Valentines Day

*Kim*

Kim

You are too much Kim!

Let's see if we can cheer this place up with a funny!

Armed with impeccable credentials, a man applied for a position with a top company.
Unfortunately, he had a problem with one of his eyes - it constantly winked.
"We'd love to hire you," said the company vice-president, "but that winking is too distracting."
"Wait!, I can make it stop by taking two aspirin," the applicant said.
"Okay, show me," the executive replied.
The job candidate reached into his pocket, pulled out a dozen condom packages and placed them on the desk before finding two aspirin.
He took the tablets, and the winking stopped.
"Thats' fine," the VP said cooly. "But we don't condone womanizing."
"no, no. You've got me all wrong," the man replied.
"Have you ever asked for aspirin at the drugstore while winking?".

Another flash for mindless chuckles!

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

http://www.solarnight.com/pbjt/

For some the romance never dies...

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

This is cute!

Think of a letter between A and W.

Now think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as read the next bit.

Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name.

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level

Look at you palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand

Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?

Of course not.......

Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!

Smile & have a great day!

CerebroJD

Very Good... but now my head hurts!

Ok guys, own up...which one are you?

Excitable Type
Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

Sociable Type
Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.

Timid Type
Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.

Nosy Type
Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.

Indifferent Type
All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

Clever Type
Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.

Vain Type
Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

Absent-Minded Type
Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.

Worried Type
Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.

Disgruntled Type
Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.

Conceited Type
Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.

Sneaky Type
Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.

Sloppy Type
Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.

Learned Type
Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.

Childish Type
Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.

Efficient Type
Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.

Strong Type
Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.

Drunken Type
Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.

Embarrassed Type
Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.

Cock-Eyed Type
Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.

Kimbabe... just for you!


Bikes are better!

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you
had the last time you were on your bicycle.

How did that happen?

That post got split in 2! Odd!

And another!

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

~ Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.
~ You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.
~ Coffee never runs out.
~ No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
~ You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
~ When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
~ Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
~ Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.
~ Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.
~ You can always heat up coffee.
~ Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.
~ If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
~ Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Just to show i can joke about guys aswell Kimbabe!



HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her, caress her,
love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring food/beer. Preferably both!!

Phooey, your nuts

More female jokes. if I told my fiancee those, I would probably get my ___ kicked

One more for you then Weaksid!



Why Dogs are Better than Women:

Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late, and the later
you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs don't care if you play with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than lobster.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs aren't catty.

One more, then time for bed!

If She'll let me in the room!!


Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer: Adam

Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.


Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
Illegal to possess more than one.


G'nite.....

LMAO, that was good.

Mr Xaltec! Kim is gonna get ya for that!

While in a public restroom....

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doing just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say : "Uhhh, I'm Just like you trying to get through the day!". (At this point I'm just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.)

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, This question is just wacky but I figured I could be just polite and end the conversation. I tell him, well I have company over so today is a bad day for me!

Then I hear the guy say nervously ..."LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's some idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

...someone has way too much time on their hands

Science - Heaven Is Hotter Than Hell


The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the
light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive
from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so
we can ignore that... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to
the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat
received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the
Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation,
(H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K),
gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be
computed... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and
unbelieving... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire
and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature
must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that
Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972

yeah, but it's a dry heat

Mr. Xaltec! I hope you have fun riding your bicycle and drinking your coffee

/me is happy to see Phooey back!

Is it ever going to stop snowing?


20 Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night...

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my
bootay while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move round.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's @ss and honestly
believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I
keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me
just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the
WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm
having problems walking straight.


*Kim*

Kimbabe... Was that a good night out then??



THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed...+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
But return with beer ...-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5
You pummel it with a six iron....+10
It's her father...-10
You leave the toilet seat up...-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party...0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2
Named Tiffany...-4
Tiffany is a dancer...-6
Tiffany has implants...-8

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner...0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget her birthday completely...-20
You forget your anniversary...-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go out with a pal ...-5
And the pal is happily married ...-4
Or frighteningly single ...-7
And he drives a Mustang...-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15
You have a few beers...-9
And miss curfew by an hour...-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20
You get home at 3 am...-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...-40
And not wearing any pants...-50
Is that a tattoo??...-200

HER NIGHT OUT
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late...+10
You wait up...+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie...+2
You take her to a movie she likes...+4
You take her to a movie you hate...+6
You take her to a movie you like...-2
It's called DeathCop 3...-3
Which features cyborgs having sex...-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

FLOWERS
You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30
And she contracts Lyme disease...-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800

FINANCES
You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
Something she can't use...+10
Such as a motorized model airplane...-20
And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40

DRIVING
You let her tell you how to drive...+20
You let her mother tell you how to drive...+40
You lost the directions on a trip...-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10
You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ...+10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the
locals up close and personal...-25
You know them...-60

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding...-10
You reply, "Where?"...-35

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)

1. Elementary map reading
2. Crying and law enforcement
3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR
4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.
6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.")
7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions
8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights
9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed
10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water
11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament
12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love you")
13. How to earn your own money
14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, "Fabric bad, electronics good")
15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side
16. Beyond "Clean and Dirty" - The nuances of wearable laundry
17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station
18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels
19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy
20. His best friend can be yours too
21. His poker games: Deal yourself out
22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, "Wedlock Schmedlock")
23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above "I do"
24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house
25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?