Texas Vasectomy


After having their 11th child, a Texas couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Texas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Texan said to the doctor, "I might not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Texas. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that two, learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he stopped, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This medical procedure also works in Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky and Arkansas.

My cousin in New Jersey sent me this...

A Texan, a New Yorker, and a New Jersey resident were drinking their favorite beverage in a bar.
The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the half-full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two guys were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila.
The Texan, however, simply drew himself up and announced: "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."

The New Yorker, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the half-full wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority characteristic of New Yorkers, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!"

The New Jersey resident drained his bottle of Yuengling Lager, threw it up in the air, drew his pistol and shot the New Yorker dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan: "Where I come from," he said slowly, "we recycle bottles.... and we have too many New Yorkers."

oooh

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

A woman down on her luck is walking through a well-to-do neighborhood looking for odd jobs when she approaches this one house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the
owner comes to the door. He asks the lady what he can do for her.

The lady tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers
that he has been wanting his porch painted.

He asks the woman if she paints.

The women says, "Sure, anything."

The man replies, "Well, I have been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?"

Responding quickly, "I don't know, say $50 bucks."

To the man's delight, "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started."

He closes the door and walks back inside. His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?"

He tells her of the women and her situation and then told his wife that the women agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.

The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks! But, that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours' job. You really should pay her more."

He responds, "But that's all she said she wanted."

10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the women is there and she says, "I'm done."

With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch?"

"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."

Say goodnight, Gracie

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
> wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
> could see
> from the bedroom window.
> George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there
> were people in the shed stealing things.
> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
> no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
> lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
> George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
> "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
> my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just
> shot them all." Then he hung up.
> Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
> ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police
> caught the burglars red-handed.
> One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
> them!"
> George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

> (True Story)

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition
to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"

The mother replies, "I don't like her."

Off to work!

Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again.

LMAO

Three young ladies are trapped on a dessert island.
A blond
A brunette
And a redhead.
One day they find a magic lamp, and rub it in the vain hope a genie would appear.
**POOOOOF**
A genie appeared!
"I can grant you all one wish!" said the genie.
"You first." He said to the blond
"I wanna be cleverer, so's i can get offa dis island!" She announced.
**POOOOOF**
The genie turned her into a brunette, she then proceded to swim from the island.
"Now you." said the genie to the brunette.
"I think I would like to be smarter, so i can leave this island aswell." She proclaimed.
**POOOOF**
The genie turned her into a red head, and she went chopped a tree down, built a raft from it and sailed from the island.
The genie turned to the redhead, "Shall i ask your wish?"
The redhead replied, "Ask if you wish, but you must already know that one wishes to be ever so smart as to remove one's self from the ghastly island!"
The genie rolled his eyes and...
**POOOOOOOF**
Turned the redhead into a man and she crossed the f*****g bridge!!!

Sad News

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in -and then the trouble started.....

ph00man...that was BAD *BOO! HISS!* /me throws some veggies and fruit and ph00man!

LMAO!

I couldn't help myself!! It was too good not to pass on!!

Ducking all the fruit and veggies!

ker splat!

Copied from LangaList.

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"

"What for?" the mad scientist asked. "Murder? Or would it be suicide?"

And the policeman's answer was, "Neither. It's for making an obscene clone fall."

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates,
Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have
NO idea the lengths that some people will go to to sneak
into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk
instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane
mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE
Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks
for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly
stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you
claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint
Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso
both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and
Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

thats not nice

Phooey! I don't know where you came from but I sure am glad you did!

I always leave here with a smile


*Kim*

TY Kim! *Blush*

WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES

Husband's note to his wife:
"Doctor's office called: Said Pabst beer is normal."

My favorite Rodney Dangerfield joke.....

"Some guys are breast men, some are leg men, me, I'm an azz man. I must be, every time I walk by somebody they say 'you're an azz, man'".

sick! LMAO

that was meant for ph00ey btw, motion !

Your joke was good.