A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

gross!

That kind of confession stinks!

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of Jack Daniels whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink Jack Daniels and you won't get worms."

The National Education Association is celebrating "Read Across America" by encouraging adults to read to children. Of course,Green Eggs and Ham is one of the most popular Dr. Seuss books.
And there's the dilemma. How can Jewish kids celebrate with green Eggs and HAM? So, in honor of (and with apologies to the estate of Dr. Seuss) here's a new ending for the story-- You will never see...

They are not KOSHER, So let me be!
I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them, Sam-I-am
But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit
Or I will try them with some brisket.
I'll eat green eggs in a box.
If you serve them with some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try
Scrambled up in matzo brie!
And in a boat upon the river,
I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver!
So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs and ham,
Let your friends in on the scoop:
Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!

Well...lunch is over

seen the same thing for texas. tis a traditional greeting you anit from here are you

Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State
Trooper.

The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you
better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the
guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the
window.

The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!

In Texas, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a mutt dog just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger And I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious Characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "'cause he's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN.... 2003 EDITION
(Compliments of Bill Maddocks)


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the highdive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

12. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

14. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

15. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

16. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

17. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

18. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

19. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

20. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

21. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

22. You can spit without opening your mouth.

23. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

24. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

25. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

26. The biggest city you've ever been to is Super Walmart.

27. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

28. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.

29. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

30. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

31. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

32. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

33. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

34. You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"

35. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

Obituaries

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection.
He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as the man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting most of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife -- they have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 4:25 for about 20 minutes.

I don't get it

Is the Pillbury Doughboy just a US thing?

I know you're out there...I can hear ya breathing!

may the farce be with you

Selecting a Samurai

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.

A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he
should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out popped a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly
drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whooooossshhh whooooossshh whooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."

50th Anniversary
While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."


Say goodnight Gracie

Poke the Doughboy in the tummy once..

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trial dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer, and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the cowboys looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?" the woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her butt cheek a lap with his tongue. The woman is so shocked , that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it.

NEW VIRUSES



Watch out for these viruses. Some are new and could be very destructive to your computer:

Ellen Degeneres Virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Monica Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down

Disney Virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after one byte

Prozac Virus -Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

Lorena Bobbit Virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy

Woody Allen Virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files

Spice Girl Virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored

Dr. Kevorkian Virus - Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB


AT&T Virus - Every 3 minutes it tells you what a great service you are getting


MCI Virus - Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus


Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident - It'll be back


Viagra Virus - Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive

ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCE EXCUSES FROM
PARENTS (SUPPOSEDLY)-- INCLUDING SPELLING.

*My son is under a doctor's care today and should
not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick
and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

*John has been absent because he had two teeth
taken out of his face.

*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was
playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

*Megan could not come to school today because she
has been botheres by very close veins.

*Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

*Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.
He had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the shits.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.

*I kept Billie home because she had to go
Christmas shopping because I don't know what size
she wear.

*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school
yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off
the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought
it was Sunday.

*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We
have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.

*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she
had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset
stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and
ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore
throat and fever. There must be something going
around, her father even got hot last night.


Lunch is over...get back to work!

Here's one I like....

A Houston construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Trosclaire the
Cajun. I'm not hiring any Cajuns, the foreman thought to himself, so he
made up a test hoping that the Cajun wouldn't be able to answer the
questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an
argument. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using
numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" Trosclaire says. "Dat
is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine." says Trosclaire.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99." Trosclaire stares into space for a
while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge
on each tree. "ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on
earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now! So
it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this Cajun, so he
says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the Number
100."

Trosclaire stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and
makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One
"hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think
that represents a hundred." Trosclaire leans forward and points to the
marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by
each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd,
and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred. So when I start?"

I like #119

I liked that one too Weaksid. Phooey my laughing muscles are hurting!

Here's one I thought was cute.

Analogies and Metaphors Found In High School Essays

~ Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had it's two
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

~ She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

~ She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a
dog makes just before it throws up.

~ Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

~ He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

~ Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

~ McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

~ The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots
when you fry them in hot grease.

~ Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

~ John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.

~ He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was
the East River.

~ Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

~ The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work.

~ The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

~ She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

~ It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple
it to the wall.

*Kim*

DON'T RUB THE LAMP! http://www.solarnight.com/genie/

You brat!