Istari Istari

Ridiculous Requests for Upcoming Patches

Ridiculous Requests for Upcoming Patches

Long day at work, groggy and loopy, disclaimer finished.

[EDIT] -Bear Cavalry

-Add a game feature or quest that changes the box art to reflect the game.

-Players should get to use two Sovereigns if they received a double shipment of the game by mistake.

-Put in a 'Ye Olde Mechanic' unit that can alter game mechanics from within the game, then take a long holiday.

-Create a quest where you have to find a male frog and try to misinterpret his dialogue and read too much into it.

-Add in a cheat where if you type 'Old man, you seek the Spell of Mastery.', Elemental exits and launches MoM in DOSBox.

-Make it so that all Sovereigns share the same mana pool, and have to play 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' to decide who gets to regenerate each turn.

-Watchtowers should manufacture watches.

-Fishing as a food resource where the fish provide food returns based on the patented 'Juicy Sweetness' rating system by Smeagol.

-Players should have the ability to Give Karma k1 to other Sovereigns through the Diplomacy screens.

-Milk should be listed as a sub-resource to Food, and needs to be watched constantly on a per-city, per-turn basis to check if it has gone bad. The Sovereign has to be in the city to personally inspect the Milk stores.

-Elemental should be free to all those who purchased Elemental before playing v1.1 after buying expansion 1.B if they didn't purchase Elemental before playing expansion 1.A.

-Admiral Ozzel should be punished for coming out of hyperspace too close to the Hoth system.

-In campaign mode, a *Spoiler Warning* should pop-up before any reveals or story progression.

-New terrain type - 'Carpet'.

-Terrain tiles should light up when the Sovereign walks on them, just like Michael Jackson in the Billie Jean video clip. The Sovereigns should also be singing Billie Jean as they walk.

-Units positioned in front of Archers should be subject to friendly fire. There should also be a percentage chance that a fight starts up as a result.

-Units trapped between enemy influence zones should be able to spend one turn maneuvering as though they were trying to get past laser security sensors.

-In tactical combat, Attack, Damage, and Defense should be combined into a single statistic and rolled with a 2 sided dice. A roll of '1' results in auto-fail, whereas conversely, a roll of '2' results in manual-fail. This is due to the real world problem associated with a 2 sided dice.

-Add in a nuclear spell that causes other Sovereigns to get nervous. The Sovereign researching or casting the nuclear spell can cleverly and diplomatically disguise it as just an 'Update Schedule' to avoid a backlash.

-Female Sovereigns should be able to research the 'Spell of Faking' for the win.

-The Master Quest should be to cause the game to crash and report the error.

-A message from The Bishop: "I foretold of your folly. These lands rightfully belong to the Church. And I will have them!".

-All your modding tools are belong to us!

-Redefine 'Multiplayer' to include AI opponents.

-Bastion should say my name.

-Organized Teleport. Units teleport at the same speed as the Sovereign, even if the Sovereign has Hyperwarp and those units only have Ion Drive.

-A mana pool should be something a Sovereign uses to drive other people's kids to school in.

-The casting cost of spells should be measured in Flower Petals.

-New Weakness Trait - 'Unhelpful Complainer'. Resource accumulation is slowed and morale suffers as the Unhelpful Complainer whips their soldiers during combat in an effort to explain to them that they mustn't die. -50.

-For added realism and immersion, the Sovereign should spend 2 out of 3 turns sleeping.

 

...... Feel free to add more. I'm about to drop off where I sit.

 

**[Updated]**


-Speech bubbles for NPCs with Tourettes Syndrome.


-Add in NPCs who have Tourettes Syndrome.


-New Equipment Slot - 'Hair clip'.


-Currency exchange system between Kingdom and Empire factions.


-Offspring should have a 9pm curfew.


-New Spell - 'Differentiate Spell'. This spell acts as an addon to existing spells and adds a random effect in addition to the standard effect of the spell. 'Differentiate Spell' can be be used to target 'Differentiate Spell'.


-We need a quest that allows our Sovereigns to know what magic is.


-New Spell - 'Mirror Image'. 1dN illusory images of target unit are created on adjacent tiles in tactical battle. The appearance of these images varies in accordance with the different types of funhouse mirrors. There is a 67.32% chance that the images become frightened of one another and disappear.


-Special fencing needs to be erected to prevent younger offspring from drowning in the Global Mana Pool.


-The image translators should work for the construct program, so the whole game will be displayed as scrolling XML code.


-New Spell - 'Returnification'. This spell attempts to return your troops to the nearest city, but ultimately fails.


-AI opponents should have a Chess mini-game to play while they wait for the Human player to 'End Turn'.


-New Quest - 'The Quest to end all Quests'. Makes it so that there are no more quests in the game.


-The Conquest Victory option should be described on the box or in the manual as such: 'To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.'


-New Unit - 'The Mouthguard of Sauron'. He just really needed to have something cover those teeth.


-Bring back Firefly.


-New Plane - 'Arc anus'. (Too cheap?)


-New Unit - 'Stupid fat hobbit'.


-Greedo was secretly in love with Han Solo, and couldn't bring himself to hurt him.


-New City Enchantment - 'Levitating City'. The enchanted city rises 10cm off the ground. This spell incurs a once-off materials cost, as a single step needs to be placed before every outer door of every building to avoid lawsuits from people tripping over to get inside.


-New Weakness Trait - 'Gibson's Disease'. Your Sovereign develops a tendency to randomly spout racism and beat their spouses. You receive a penalty to diplomacy, fewer offspring, and the ability to know what women want. -30.


-Magic Stamps. Rather than being imbued, champions line up at the Magical Welfare office once every 7 turns to receive allocated 'Magic Stamps' from the Sovereign. The stamps will be fluorescent pink.


-To make tactical combat more interesting, have some random units begin combat within enemy ranks, but facing their own side. It should take 1dN combat turns for them to figure out their mistake, until which they will fight for the enemy.


-Sovereigns should communicate through two cups tied to a long piece of string.


-New Race - 'Vegetarian Cannibals'. They're not vegan though, so they can still eat dairy made from their women's breast milk. (Too gross?)

875,759 views 276 replies
Reply #101 Top

Well, it's because I have a friend that have the arkahm horror game with almost all the expansion and in one, he who is not to be named is bringed back with an act (The king in Yellow play)... so my guess was that it can be brought back with an act from his follower. Sorry if I'm wrong :).Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn my friend :)

Reply #102 Top

In the cartoon show "world of quest" there are various, nefarious neverdowells. One of these henchmen groups are the vegetable men. In honour of the the original posters vegan request, i plead, nay, i demand, very well - i drop down on my hands and knees to woreship the ground you walk to include these pot-pourri of vegetable madness. We need something meaty and dangerous to chew on, something to encourage the ai to stand up for itself and not let it be pushed down. It will not go gentle into this good nigh, nor into the soup pot, or the stew pot. or any pot. This carrot and onion are due their come-uppance and they are coming for you Elemental player. As soon as Frogboy okays this and sends the modelling troupe to work.

 

Go on.

You know you want to.

Who could say no to Adam West ? dang it - quest's voice is done by ron pardo - i thought it adam west (*pout*)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_of_Quest

 

on double checking the site, it seems the vegetable people were good guys - piffle piffle, merely a side note- we still want the vegetable people.

Reply #103 Top

Hey, how about some Stay Puft Marshmallow Man for the empire faction? We could then recruit some hero with quantum gun...

Reply #104 Top

*blink* *blink* you're right, that is only being suggested now i can't beleive it...

Reply #105 Top

Quoting Goldmos, reply 103
Hey, how about some Stay Puft Marshmallow Man for the empire faction? We could then recruit some hero with quantum gun...

You know, I thought of that, and considered posting it on more than one occasion, but I never had the courage. I take my scalp off to you sir, as I have already removed both my hat and my wig to other greats.

Now, I'm off to assassinate the cowardly lion before he reaches the wizard and claims the courage I so desperately need.

Reply #107 Top

Quoting Glowing_Ember, reply 102
In the cartoon show "world of quest" there are various, nefarious neverdowells. One of these henchmen groups are the vegetable men. In honour of the the original posters vegan request, i plead, nay, i demand, very well - i drop down on my hands and knees to woreship the ground you walk to include these pot-pourri of vegetable madness. We need something meaty and dangerous to chew on, something to encourage the ai to stand up for itself and not let it be pushed down. It will not go gentle into this good nigh, nor into the soup pot, or the stew pot. or any pot. This carrot and onion are due their come-uppance and they are coming for you Elemental player. As soon as Frogboy okays this and sends the modelling troupe to work.

 

Go on.

You know you want to.

Who could say no to Adam West ? dang it - quest's voice is done by ron pardo - i thought it adam west (*pout*)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_of_Quest

 

on double checking the site, it seems the vegetable people were good guys - piffle piffle, merely a side note- we still want the vegetable people.

 

What about Saibamen? Now those are some nasty vegies. I think the game can manage them, as long as their power level is not OVER 9000!!!

Reply #108 Top

Quoting Glowing_Ember, reply 106
you have no heart sir

And you have no red glittering technicolor shoes, so that makes us even!

Why you'd be walking around OZ barefoot is a mystery to me though, what with all those munchkins stepping on your feet or trying to paint your toenails with their lollypop sticks. That's against occupational health and safety regulations, not to mention unsanitary! What were you thinking?

Reply #109 Top

Quoting Istari, reply 107

What about Saibamen? Now those are some nasty vegies. I think the game can manage them, as long as their power level is not OVER 9000!!!

So, we need monkey too? Gosh, a lion, monkey: it's a circus. We need britney spears too!(Circus reference)

Reply #110 Top

It's slightly off topic - but not by much.

Here is an alternative approach to using rail guns on space ships.

Reply #111 Top

Regarding the "Rail Guns", youre suffering from "Literalism", like I read somewhere, the nurse said "Strip to the waist" so the patient stripped from the feet to the waist..

Reply #112 Top

What? You mean a catapult is not primarily for shooting cats and a ballista not a female chocolate bar? =P

Reply #113 Top

-"Redefine 'Multiplayer' to include AI opponents."

 

I don't get why this is on the list.. its pretty much standard for most 4x and RTS games..

Reply #114 Top

Quoting Fistalis, reply 113
-"Redefine 'Multiplayer' to include AI opponents."

 

I don't get why this is on the list.. its pretty much standard for most 4x and RTS games..

Multiplayer generally entails that you can play against other human controlled opponents in the game. Multiplayer was missing from release and is not yet fully developed as I understand it, so I put this in as a simple and ridiculous solution to the problem. If multiplayer can technically include AI opponents for sales purposes, they wouldn't need to work on actual multiplayer.

Reply #115 Top

Quoting Istari, reply 114

Quoting Fistalis, reply 113-"Redefine 'Multiplayer' to include AI opponents."

 

I don't get why this is on the list.. its pretty much standard for most 4x and RTS games..

Multiplayer generally entails that you can play against other human controlled opponents in the game. Multiplayer was missing from release and is not yet fully developed as I understand it, so I put this in as a simple and ridiculous solution to the problem. If multiplayer can technically include AI opponents for sales purposes, they wouldn't need to work on actual multiplayer.

Ah.. the way you worded it.. it was the idea that AI be included in multiplayer. Which as i Said was common place in most 4x games. IE 2 players and 6 AI in the game etc. I guess you mean AI vs one player and call it multiplayer?

Reply #116 Top

Quoting Gazz_, reply 110
It's slightly off topic - but not by much.

Here is an alternative approach to using rail guns on space ships.

 

In space, can you breack the Sound barrier?

Reply #117 Top

After a quick perusal of stardock's other games, i would put forward the complete inclusion of the demigod game assets as a solution to multiplayer. This should be accessible as a mini-game (complete with a miniaturized mode) that should be accessible to 6 to 8 players who manage to cast the spell of mastery at the same time. There can be only one.

 

Reply #118 Top

Quoting Goldmos, reply 116
In space, can you breack the Sound barrier?

Damn, that's brilliant! I'll have to suggest supersonic projectiles and see who gets it...

Reply #119 Top

In my bid to take over candyland, i would like to see gummy bears added as a troop resource.

Reply #120 Top

I would also like to see voltron appear as a recruitable hero anytime someone plays Elemental on the 10th of September.

Reply #121 Top

Quoting Glowing_Ember, reply 120
I would also like to see voltron appear as a recruitable hero anytime someone plays Elemental on the 10th of September.

 

Why 10th of September?

Reply #122 Top

Quoting Fistalis, reply 115

Quoting Istari, reply 114
Quoting Fistalis, reply 113-"Redefine 'Multiplayer' to include AI opponents."

 

I don't get why this is on the list.. its pretty much standard for most 4x and RTS games..

Multiplayer generally entails that you can play against other human controlled opponents in the game. Multiplayer was missing from release and is not yet fully developed as I understand it, so I put this in as a simple and ridiculous solution to the problem. If multiplayer can technically include AI opponents for sales purposes, they wouldn't need to work on actual multiplayer.

Ah.. the way you worded it.. it was the idea that AI be included in multiplayer. Which as i Said was common place in most 4x games. IE 2 players and 6 AI in the game etc. I guess you mean AI vs one player and call it multiplayer?

That's exactly right. It was pretty ambiguous wording on my part btw.

Reply #123 Top

according to the wiki:

The original TV series, which aired in syndication from September 10, 1984 to November 18, 1985, was titled Voltron: Defender of the Universe.

 

so sept 10 is the anniversary of the first episode being run on tv.

Reply #124 Top

Ah, thank you sir, I wasn't aware since I was born in '84 :).

Reply #125 Top

I think there should be frog men in the game. I want a phalanx of frog men. Complete with swimming gear. And goggles. They need fluffy scarves. and don't forget the flippers on their feet, they need to swim fast. Hamsters like to eat frogs.