What do I have to do?

from JoeUser Forums

As you may or may not know, my man came back from a year's tour recently (august).  When he was gone, he did a lot of partying and a lot of things that pissed me off and made me feel unloved and unwanted.  I had a rough year alone - I almost died, I had to have surgery to remove a lump from my breast and in general had a tough time of being a single parent.

Upon his return, he said that he was going to devote the next year to me and our children to try and make up for being gone.

When he went back to work, he got stuck on nights.  I don't like that; he works 14+ hour shifts so when he does have a day off, he sleeps half the day away.  We get to sleep in the same bed at the same time maybe twice a week, and the main portion of the housework and child rearing falls on me again.  We see each other a day and a half a week....when he's working, we high-five it as he's leaving and I'm coming home.

This evening he called to say that there was a job opening up in the jail on base and that he was asked if he was going to apply (he ran the jail for 2 years at our last base, and within the cop career field asking someone if they're going to apply is like saying 'you need to drop your application on my desk because we like you for the job).

His response?  "I like the shift I'm working and I like the guys I work with.  We're friends.  I don't know that I want to change that".

That's nice.  What about devoting the rest of the year to me and the kids?  What about all the sacrifices I made when he was gone?  What about what I fucking want or would like for a change?  What about fair fucking play?  How's about him sacrificing his friendships for his family?

What do I have to do to get some consideration from him?  I really don't know what else to do.

2,343 views 24 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't know what to say, dharma. That sucks.

The things that have been beyond yours and his control have sucked, but the fact that he can make a change for the better (and especially considering he will be leaving yet again in a few short months) and doesn't want to because of "friends" and his own comfort zone sucks even more. I'm sorry. I know that he's a good man, and I'm not trying to criticize, but right now he is being very selfish.

*hugs*
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Go and bop him on the head and tell him what you think and feel. Yep, that's what I say.
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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
tell him what you think and feel


Absolutely!

Did you tell him? Sometimes men are self-centered. Let's face it. Usually, if you bring it to their attention, though, they wise up.

I am so sorry dharmagrl. You and your family are in my prayers.

*hugs*
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
softly, softly..........I know how hard it is after being apart for so long. It was months after I got back from Korea before we really adjusted again. Have faith, love him, faults included,be patient, and take up karate. or long distance running, but I like punching things better when I'm mad. gotta have an outlet.

Remember, us guys are dumb sometimes, but we mean well, and we usually come back to our senses..........sometimes with a little help. dumbass lecture over, hugs, kisses, and warm wishes, remember to wrap your thumb around bottom when you're punching stuff, i'm out.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
All I can say to you Dharma is that Im here for you if you need to talk.. xo
HUgs to you. Im not liking what Im hearing.. I wish things could be better for you.
Look forward in chattin with you.
xo P
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top

I know that he's a good man, and I'm not trying to criticize, but right now he is being very selfish.

Yes, he is.  So am I sometimes, but for the past 18 months I've done things that I detested for the good of our family.  I don't think that it's too much to ask that he out us first for once and not have to be persuaded to do so.

Go and bop him on the head and tell him what you think and feel.

I did.  He wasn't very happy.

Did you tell him?

Yep.  He didn't like it.

 

Remember, us guys are dumb sometimes, but we mean well, and we usually come back to our senses..........sometimes with a little help.

But I shouldn't have to tell him.  Basically, this isn't a one-off deal...it's like this all the time.  If I don't look out for me, no-one else will.  He won't think about me and how I feel unless I fuss at him.   

Im not liking what Im hearing..

Neither am I.  I have a ton of examples of this kind of behaviour, but out of respect to D, I'm not going to make them public.  P, you know some of them, you know better than anyone how he is.

 

Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
Dharma

Look after your heart and your kids.

Big hugs to you.. love you.

xo
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top

I don't understand how he can not like hearing that you want more of him!  Did you ask him what it is about being home that he is apparently not happy with?  He is aware of your current battle with depression isn't he?  Argh!  I sure wish I could help in some way.  This supposed to be a very happy time for your family.


~hugs~

Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top

We aren't the ones you should be talking to about this.
You my friend are a putz!  She already said she talked to him about it.  Besides, blogs are for expressing whatever is on your mind.  Don't comment if you can't get your head out of your butt long enough to see that.


Sorry Karen, that comment set me off for some reason.  It just seemed snide, insensitive and uncalled for.

Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top

Did you ask him what it is about being home that he is apparently not happy with? He is aware of your current battle with depression isn't he?

Yes, and sort of.  He doesn't really say much about the depression issue, but when I asked him about being at home he said he wants to be at home more, but has got into a routine that he likes. 

We aren't the ones you should be talking to about this.

Zwei, I love you,  but this wasn't necessary.  I already did talk to him.  I can't talk to him about it more because it'll disintegrate into a fight.

Sorry Karen, that comment set me off for some reason

Yeah, me too.  It's okay, no need to apologize...

 

For the record, he did drop off his resume. He said that he realizes it's better for everyone that he take any opportunity to move to dayshift.  What he didn't say was 'hey!  if I go to dayshift, I can see more of you and the kids!  we'll have some semblance of a family life again!'...which is what I wanted more than anything to hear.

I don't know what else to do, what else to say to him.  When we got married, whilst I knew it wouldn't be champagne and roses all the time, I did hope that my husband would do things to be with me, would put me and our relationship first.  My hopes are slowly but surely being dashed....and my heart feels like it's breaking.  I'm becoming jaded, I'm getting cynical about my marriage, and I don't like that.

 

Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
Love is a choice we make through thick and thin. Smother him with it just for his sake. There is no way a person can resist real love that is offered without conditions. It may take months of loving for this guy. Don't give up. My prayers are with you in this your time of trial.
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top

Duly noted, and sorry.


Thanks, and it's okay.


Smother him with it just for his sake


You know, you are one wise woman,.  I have a book called "Love Dharma - relationship advice from seasoned Buddhist women' and that's exactly what it says to do as well.  It makes sense, really.....I love him, and I should show him that I love him despite...well, despite everything.  To withold that love because I'm mad at him or because he's done something to upset me...that's childish and spiteful, and it will get me nowhere.  I'm not giving up, don't worry.  Admitting defeat is not in my character....


My prayers are with you in this your time of trial.


Thank you, Grace.  That really means a lot to me.

Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
Leave some unsigned divorce papers lying around the house. Maybe he'll get the idea. Pardon my joke. In all seriousness, I'm sorry you're going through all this shit and I'll be praying it gets better.

~Sarah
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top

Pardon my joke.


It's okay, I thought it was funny!


He;s better about things today.  Then again, I'm better about things today .

Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sorry I was on hiatus through your time of nedd... altho I would just beat him roundly about the head and neck.....
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top

altho I would just beat him roundly about the head and neck.....

That did cross my mind.....but he decided it would be in his best interests to apply for the job so he dropped his resume on the NCOIC's desk Tuesday afternoon.

He's on leave at the moment.  We're spending 'quality' time together.......

Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top
Yeah, quality time I hope it helps.
Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top

'quality' time together.......


a recent topic of heated debate at our work as well...

Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top
a recent topic of heated debate at our work as well...
How so? Is it about the type of quality, or what constitutes quality? That's what we usualy argue about. His idea of quality and mine used to be very different. Now, we're compromising a bit more....like taking an afternoon nap after shopping all morning like we did today.
Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top

For the record, he did drop off his resume. He said that he realizes it's better for everyone that he take any opportunity to move to dayshift. What he didn't say was 'hey! if I go to dayshift, I can see more of you and the kids! we'll have some semblance of a family life again!'...which is what I wanted more than anything to hear


Dharma,


Speaking as a member of the male segment of our population, I have to inform you that we men are sometimes putzes. We don't always express things the way we should.


I think it's entirely possible that he did the right thing for the right reasons, but was a tad too prideful to say that exactly. I don't know him to say whether this is so or not, but it would be entirely consistent with our nature.


Anyway, I dearly hope things work out for the best for you and yours. You all deserve it!

Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top
hey dharma,

here's an uninformed opinion from a thick-headed, easily-rutted guy who has no idea what your "conversations" consisted of when you "discussed" the situation:

everyone deserves respect. everyone's wishes deserve respect. he's become used to his shift and his friends. that deserves respect.

it sounds like he decided to agree with you on this particular issue, but we guys get used to a certain flow of energy, and it sounds a bit like your energy has been used to respect his wishes. he probably likes that, and if he doesnt have to respect yours for long periods of time, then he will simply accept it as a natural condition of life.

the thing is this: he's doing his job, ensuring that his wishes get respect. you are not ensuring that your wishes get respect. when you use your energy to fight with him, you're justt draining yourself in the long run.

you need to figure out what you need in a way that respects his needs. once you do that, use your energy to follow that path, even if he doesn't like it. of course he wont at first, because he's used to receiving all your energy. but you're going to end up feeling like crap most of your life if you have get your energy through his handouts.

it's okay to set your own boundaries, too. he's not the only one who gets to do that.

TBT
Reply #24 from JoeUser Forums Top
It sounds that (I hope this doesn't sound to bad) but, it sounds like he's taking the situaion for granted. Most guys (or all guys) do it from time to time. If we are comfortable with the way things are, then we think that everyone should feel the same way about certain things. Most of us are stubborn like that, and it takes act of change to make us open our eyes.

I'm not defending him, because you mentioned something in the article that kinda' mad my mouth drop. ("we high-five it as he's leaving and I'm coming home.) I know this is serious for you, but I would like to say, Who in the fuck gives their wife (a person that they rarely see do to working) a hi-five? Shouldn't there be some hugs and kisses in there somewhere?



But seriously, I hope things work out and I wish the best for you.