Earl & Jane After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple, Earl  & Jane, was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.  It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.  He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.  Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.  As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful.  Why did you stop?"  "I found the remote," he mumbled.

Ooooh Angus...

At least you got the one before I gained 50 pounds......bitch.

I dunno, Angus, I'm still having problems believing you actually wore that swimsuit on a Florida beach.  

My T back was soiled.  My hair hasn't been that long in 15 years either.  By the way, I'm taking any Skinhit photos you may have through email.  Thanks!  Those can be with or without animals.

angus! 'You've Got Male"....er...mail!

Paparazzi photo of Skinhit at his real job.  I count 14 bitches.

Ruff! Rufff!

Skinhit's Dog's "Pet Peeves":

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

LMFAO Doc!!

I just know that's what my german shepherd I had years ago, would have been thinking

Now that's not something I'd be admitting to on a site that goes international.

Dunno you'll get the ones 'with' posted... some of the animal lovers here won't appreciate the animal loving.

Reminds me of when I went to my g/f's place for dinner one night... and her mother served curried cabbage.  Yeah, well, I didn't take long to work and this almighty colon buster was building to a crescendo.  I tried to let it go quietly, I really did, but as always with curried cabbage, it was a rip snorter and the windows rattled some... orright, a LOT!

Next thing her father is yelling under the table: "Toby (that was the name of their pug), get out from under the table!!!"

Ah, ha, I though,t as I could feel another fuel injected fart brewing in the lower region of my small intestine "He thinks it's the dog", as I peeled off another bell ringer.

"TOBY, get out from under that table!!!"

The next thing I know, dessert is being served and it's cinnamon apple pie with that flaky pastry - you know, the layer upper layer kind with pockets of air all throughout - and home-made rum & raisin icecream... like I needed raisins and pastry riddled with air pockets (not to mention the rum) on top of curried cabbage.  Yup, it was a  concoction... er, recipe for disaster and inevitably another trouser cough had to wriggle its way free to break the 'now' silence and permeate the air with a punget odour a skunk 'd be proud of.

"TOBY, GET OUT FROM UNDER THAT TABLE!!!"

During coffee and after dinner mints (like I needed mint introduced to the already virulent brew accumulating down there) I could feel another foundation shaker heading South and tried to squeeze my butt cheeks together to prevent it emerging into the land of the living, though they might not be conscious for much longer... should I fail

You know how it is, you squeeze your butt cheeks together, but to no avail, and it comes out like a high pitched version of the 'Last Post" on the bugle (probably where the saying 'butt trumpet' came from) and the last note has a sustain on it like a stuck car horn.  Yeah, well that's what happened, the 'Last Post' sounded and her father's yelling under the table again: "TOBY, GET OUT FROM UNDER THAT TABLE... before that dirty bastard shits on you."

@ starkers:

Aussie headlines read: "Taken Moments After Wife's Head Crisped by Hubby.....Charred Dog Found on Japanese Beach".

Excuse me.  Last night was tacos for dinner.

                                                            Bloody tough on tighty whities.

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the price is."

TIPS FOR HUSBANDS

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? 

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Prude: spits

Pro: swallows

Show-Off: gargles

DANGEROUS:  Yes, your ass does look fat in that!

SLIGHTLY SAFER: Perhaps you could try a larger size.

A LITTLE SAFER: No dear, obviously they put the wrong size on it.

MUCH SAFER: There's an ass in there?  I thought it was a ripe but firm peach.

I WANT SEX TONIGHT: Of course not dear, you'd look fantastic in anything.

Moral of the Story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

"Tony, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was
a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol
and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of
twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until
she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade
broke, and then she killed the last man with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher.
"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

Good:

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't nabbing
any. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted sign which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer
then found a young accomplice down the road in the other direction with a
sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of change.

Better:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar trap. A $180.00 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $180.00. They
responded with a mailed photo of handcuffs.

Best:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said 'I BET YOU ARE
GOING TO SELL ME A TICKET TO THE MOTORCYCLE COP'S BALL'. He replied with
'MOTORCYCLE COPS DON'T HAVE BALLS'. There was a moment of silence while she
smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got
back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car
for several minutes

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

========================================================================================

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now."

========================================================================================

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

========================================================================================

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

========================================================================================

I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

Oh yeah......one more, Po':

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Couldn't resist:

Glossary of computer terms
Alpha
Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." It is worth noting that "Release 1.0" can also be translated as "still doesn't work but rent was due".

Computer
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's more recent and a ferret on speed if it's a "performance model".

Default Directory
Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to. The default directory exists in part to ensure you lose some important files when you (or a virus) reformat your hard drive.

Error message
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered, often without breaking.

Help
What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything... but now it's their fault and they should buy more RAM.

Input/Output
Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release
A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance. (like this one... emmm)

Memory
Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Reference Manual
Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date
A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

User-Friendly
Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users
Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users -People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.

He posts the same poorly shopped pic everywhere...*sigh.