Molested on the School Bus
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Gavin started Kindergarten this year. He is five, turns six in February.
If you read my blog you already know I was concerned about the length of the time he is required to ride the school bus here.
Gavin rides with only Kindergartners to school, but with K-5 after.
I was worried. Gavin is a small guy and older boys can be hard on him.
He's also a follower. Of all the personality quirks my little man has, this is the one I find hardest to accept. I know comparing your kids isn't good, but since Hunter is my only experience with child rearing at this age, I do. Hunter has NEVER been a follower. Once he sets his mind that something is wrong he won't do it. No matter who tells him too, no matter how much pressure they apply, (be it physical or emotional).
So when I told Hunter at 3,4,5 his private parts are his, not for anyone else to see or touch (that's why they're PRIVATE) he got it. When a kid smacked his butt in first grade Hunter went immediately to the school office and called me. He told me someone touched his private parts. I kept a check on the blood pressure long enough to ask which part and what happened. He told me Johnny slapped his butt while they walked down the hall.
I realized in that moment Hunter understood, TOO WELL, and I felt a bit safer for him.
Along comes Gavin and I see by the third year he has many many more tactile needs than any kid I've ever met. Touch is practically oxygen to him. And it can be anyone, just as long as he is being touched. (I am told this is because he was almost 2 months early...but I think part of it runs in my husband's family...who knows for sure, its just how he is.)
I was molested repeatedly as a kid. Without going into detail, (I'm not traumatized, it's old news and dealt with) I can tell you it happened because no one ever bothered to mention it was:
a.) wrong, no matter how good it felt
b.) was carried out by people who were not stable
c.) kids can do it to each other.
Having experienced this and many other pitfalls in childhood (experienced because my parents were too busy/pre-occupied to be parents), I stopped working and stayed home with my kids when they came along. The pitfalls of childhood weren't the only reasons I chose to stay home, but they certainly contributed. I was determined to protect my kids from the types of things that happen when children are young and there is no adult supervision.
Gavin, because of his high tactile needs, has received more of the "private parts, don't touch, don't show them" than Hunter ever did. I didn't beat it to death everyday, but as Kindergarten approached and he was going to be out of my or my husband's sight for the first time ever, I talked with him more about it.
Great.
Good.
So last week I get a call from the principal at the elementary. He called to tell me there was an "incident on the bus with Gavin." He told me a little girl on the bus went home from school and told her mom "Gavin pulled his pants down on the bus." her mom called the school.
Great.
Good.
The principal talked to Gavin and the other kids who "saw this" and called me. He lectured me for fifteen minutes about how this was not something to get angry about, but the issue needed to be addressed, yadda yadda yadda. Oh your kid likes to play and sit with girls. He has an issue with kissing one little girl in particular, then he hung up.
I held the receiver in my hand. WTF?
I was shocked because Gavin never in all his social interactions EVER seemed inclined to pull his pants down in front of girls. He does love little girls, but I think that's because they are "touchers." They like to hold hands and run, dog pile on the slide and go down as a big lump, etc.
I waited for him to come home. He was pretty scared because he had to go to the principal's office. He wouldn't talk about it when I asked him. He just started crying, ran and hid behind an overstuffed chair. He was embarrassed (and rightly so) but I have never seen him act so ashamed. He couldn't speak while looking at me.
His dad and I talked to him, asked why he did it. He said, he was checking his penis because for some reason it started standing up a lot. He said he had to pull his pants out to "fix it" and when he did, the girl in the next seat must of saw "it."
I wasn't too happy with that explanation because of all the talks we've had over the years about seeing to private places PRIVATELY, but ok, he messed up and promised NEVER to do it again. My husband didn't buy it at all. He said "there is more to this story." But without more information, and none of the kids said any different, we went with it being an isolated incident.
So everyday since, my husband and I talked to Gavin about good choices and poor choices, private business versus public business. We even worked it into a role playing type game.
Fast forward to yesterday.
Gavin gets off the bus and tells me right away he just (as in ten minutes before) pulled his pants down on the bus. Steam started coming out of my ears. I sat him down and asked him what happened.
This is what he said: "I was in my assigned seat (two seat behind bus driver) with my seat mate waiting for the rest of the kids to get on the bus. (The Kindergartners get on first because they are supposed to sit up front and most of them are so small the other kids will crush them in the rush to get on the bus.) My friend Karen (a boy and that is not his name, Gavin doesn't even know his name just calls him Karen) sat down with us and said, 'lets pull down our pants and kiss private parts.'"
Um, I think its fair to say I was totally freaking out inside, though outside calm as a cucumber.
He told me that he said no at first, but then Karen pulled down his pants and Gavin and his seat mate kissed his "privates" and then Gavin pulled down his pants and received the kisses, and then the other kid did the same.
Voice shaking I said, "Private parts? Which private parts?"
He said, "Booties." (Butts)
It should tell you something about my reaction when I was RELIEVED he said butts. But the relief was fleeting.
I asked for clarification, he said they kissed each others butts.
I reminded him of our friggin WEEK long conversation about private parts being private and HOW COULD HE DO IT AGAIN? He cried and said Karen wouldn't be his friend anymore unless he did it.
I beat his ass.
Probably not the best approach, but damn. Obviously talking to him FOR A WEEK didn't make an impression so maybe a spanking will. He got three swats right on his butt and grounded for the rest of the day. I won't lie, there was more than a little bit of screaming going on.
I called the bus driver. He didn't "see" anything. The camera on the bus is broken. (Like everything else in this school district.) He hadn't gotten around to assigning seats yet. I guess bus driving must be a pretty busy job since school's been in session for over 2 months and the kids still have no assigned seats. He told me he runs the "older" kids to the back of the bus to keep them from the Kindergartners.
So we found out today "Karen" is a 2nd grade boy who has taken an interest in Gavin. (Gavin can be manipulated like a puppet once a kid discovers just the THREAT of withholding friendship will make Gavin obey their every whim.)
When the vice principle asked Karen if he sat with Gavin yesterday, the kid said no. But the bus driver said he DID see Karen sit with Gavin yesterday so the kid was lying. Well, DUH.
So now my husband is saying..."see I told ya there was more to the story. Gavin doesn't just pull his pants down in front of people."
And while I am sorely tempted to make this 2nd grade kid out as a pervert. The reasons I don't are twofold. First, the principle was content to do the same thing to my kid last week..to make it a personal character issue at friggin 5....Two, the truth is, he had to learn it from somewhere. He's 8 and while a certain amount of exploration may be considered normal, kissing other kids' naked butts on a school bus has more worms than a rotting corpse.
Of course now the bus driver is on super alert. Hell, no one will mess with Gavin again on that bus and they are making it a priority to get the camera fixed. (Shut the barn door the horse is out.)
I am still so angry I can't see straight. I'm angry with Gavin for being such a follower and so friggin needy for friendship he will do anything to make others like him.
I am angry that I spent the last three years talking to him about just this type thing and he "forgot."
I am angry that the principal assumed last week my kid was a perv and this was our pervy family's issue.
I am angry the bus driver wasn't doing his damn job, the camera is broken, and no one noticed 2 little boys sitting with a boy almost twice their size and pulling their pants down.
I'm angry that all the sacrifices we made to make sure something like this didn't happen to our kid in babysitting/daycare was derailed by it happening at school.
I'm just angry.
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