Back to the beginning of a possible unhappy ending

(Warning - Very long and Possibly boring personal story ahead - You have been warned)

(This was not easy to write but sometimes easy is not the best way to go)

Well I figured I’d go back to the beginning, maybe even a bit further back, to give some details of my relationship with the mother of my children. I feel I need to explain these things for it may be a good way to either find a solution to my issues or simply realize I am wasting my time and may be setting myself, her and my kids up for more harm in the future than I wanna believe. I am going to be as honest as I can be without going into too many details. Bare in mind this will be a story from my point of view and may not necessarily reflex how my wife views our relationship and problems thru out the past 11 years we’ve been together.

Let me start by giving some background of myself. As a teen I found myself often looking for a girlfriend. I was really bad at impressing girls; some would describe me as weird. I was very unique in my style; did not want to be seen as just another guy who was only interested in getting as many girls as possible. From the beginning I was always a 1-woman man. I wanted to be liked and loved for who I was not for some cool character I would make up to impress them. It took me many years to understand that I came across as too sweet, too nice, a bit dull and way to shy.

Because of the way I was I was very picky about what girls I liked. Since I was young, all I wanted was someone who cared about me, who understood my mentality, who laughed at my corny jokes, who loved my kind of music, who was smart, somewhat independent (I do like to feel needed after all) and most of all, that my heart beats faster, I get nervous and I start shaking every time I see her. I focused on girl I thought fit that description but failed more often than not at getting their attention. As the years went by and I got older (duh!) I eventually realized that my “search for a companion” style was a total failure and found myself having to revise my pickyness. I could not stand being alone and really wanted someone to share my time with, someone to have fun, go to the movies drink a milkshake with 2 straws (been watching to many 80’s movies). I decided to expand my search to just about any girl that showed any interest towards me. In the past I had ignored girls who I found out liked me because I did not get that nervous sensation I did when I really liked someone.

A little over 11 years ago, after moving from New Jersey to Miami and recovering from a broken heart after losing a girl I thought would have been the one, I met a guy, the security guard, at the bank where I worked at who found me to be a nice guy, nice enough to introduce me to his girlfriend sister (the mother of my children). At this point in time I was desperate (there’s really no other way to describe it) to meet anyone so I gave her a call after he asked her permission to give me her phone number. We kinda hit it off from the start, I met her on my Birthday, of all days and from that moment our relationship began. In all honesty I doubted myself about this relationship for I was venturing in uncharted waters that went against almost everything my pickyness stood for. My wife was not exactly everything I wanted in a woman, but considering my pickyness was not helping me I decided to take the plunge. After all, I could have been meeting the girl of my dreams but she just had not come out of her shell yet.

Of course, leave it to me to, again, jump the gun and think with my manhood and not my brain. With in the first year, or even months of our relationship and before we could even start seriously talking about getting married, I got her pregnant. A situation that would define my future financial position. I stepped up to the plate and took responsibility for my irresponsible actions and began a life as a father. My mother in law asked me to move in with them since I was, obviously, part of the family now and this is when I began to know the real woman I had chosen to become the mother of my children. There were a lot of things about her that I questioned but since I was a believer of “thru the good and the bad”, I figured she would eventually grow out of them. After all, I, myself, was not without my faults. Well, 11 years and a second son later she still have that 15 year old mentality I saw back then. Well, I have to admit she has improved somewhat but not enough to show true adult like behavior.

Thru out these 11 years we have been thru some really rough times. Things that would probably have made most couples divorce and move on. The truth is my wife had cheated on my a few times during our relationship, a truth I found out on my own as I saw things that made me suspicious and eventually made me ask her. With hesitation, she admitted what she had done and we chose to try to work things out (seems to be a common theme in my relationship). I blamed myself for what had happened. I was trying to punish her for not being more responsible as a mother and a wife, but my choice of actions, I believe, is what lead her to do what she did. Of course she had the option of not doing it so she is just as guilty if not more but had I not done what I did, there’s no telling she would have done it either so I fault myself for taking the first steps in the wrong direction.

This relationship has been downhill ever since and I have been struggling trying to keep it afloat but I may have to accept that this is a fight that I lost a long time ago when I chose to break my own rules of dating. It’s been years since I believe she has done such a thing again (as crazy as it may sound I gave her the benefit of the doubt she would not do it again as she promised), but to this date I still have a hard time dealing with this issue and find myself not being to trustworthy but finding anything and everything suspicious.

The latest issue to happen was I noticed my wife was a bit more indifferent than usual, ironically, this was happening during the time she was talking to that stranger on the phone. I spoke to her and she opened up and told me that she was feeling confused about our relationship. She feels we have grown apart too much and that she doesn’t know what to do. In my mind I was thinking “wow and it only took you 10 years to figure that out?” I was honest and told her I knew things were not going to well and figured what better time than now to make the ultimate decision, as painful as it would be to me. I told her if she felt going our separate ways is what she wanted, then I would be OK with but if she wanted to work things out, I was still willing. Se thought about it and decided to work things out, and I have to say she has been trying more now. But we still a long ways to go.

The previous article was me looking for some help to see what I could do to make things better. The relationship she has with her friends is the kind of relationship I want with her and, just like I was bad at getting a girlfriend, I seem to be just as bad at relating to her.

I have to admit I have some faults that are also the cause of our problems. For one (BTW these are things I discovered only recently while re-evaluating myself) I am not the same guy I was when I was alone and looking for company. I guess once I found what I was looking for I didn’t feel the need to keep trying. Also I am somewhat still shy, even around my wife, and tend to find some “mushy stuff” too childish or embarrassing to do like saying “I love you” ever 5 minutes or singing love songs to her or maybe even playing the French lover that kisses her hand all the way up to her neck. I also don’t always entertain things that she likes and I tend to give my computer too much attention at times. I guess I had never put all my eggs in one basket before and realize just how much work I need as well.

I really wish I didn’t have to find myself in this situation. It’s because of all these years of doubting this relationship would work (due to me not letting go of my picky mentality) part of the reason it’s not and also the main reason why I never married her.

I had thought about all of this before but never all at one time and from the looks of it, it would seem the real problem he has been me all a long. Talk about stupid and blind at the same time. I have been the poison in this dying relationship all along and refused to believe and accept it, till now that is. I think I have been truly unfair to her all this time.

Wow, now I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her about this? Should I point out that this may be my entire fault? Should I throw caution to the wind and just tell her what I just figured out? I think, no, I know I need some counseling right now. What do you guys/gals think?