a light in the fog

Another tres humid day, but it was so much better because at least it was my day off. We went to the beach and were surprised to see it packed. Because of the late spring, I figured the lake waters would be way too cold to swim much, but no, it was simply the first perfect day of the season. 

I work tomorrow, and am booked for afternoons. Because its generally so bloody cold at work because of the aircon, I actually semi look forward to showing up.  Our apartment is still pretty hot, even with the window aircon pumping 24-7. Do I feel guilty letting it run so long? Hell no.  I'm of the put-on-a-sweater-if-you're-cold kind of person in the winter time.  And lemme tell you, it gets bloody cold up here. Having said that, we turned the heat on for only 4 DAYS this past winter, so I figure I'm due for some wanton electrical extravagance. Our windows are the root cause of both our thriftiness in the winter, and our excessive consumption in the summer. Wide double picture windows in the living room, with a western view to an empty road leading towards both a bike trail and river. Picturesque indeed, but also freakin' hot, no matter the season.

Talking religion the other day, a conversation that I try my hardest to avoid. I have no hardcore belief system, no silent urging towards one thing or another. I'm not a believer, but like Mulder, I once had a poster with the tagline, I WANT TO BELIEVE. God. The Creator. Aliens. Whatever. I say this without wanting a comeback, I just want to know, and since I haven't found it yet, I sit, aimless yet not really searching a whole lot. An Elder told me once that I'm not ready. It will come sooner or later, that feeling of faith, of understanding. She wasn't specific about any type of higher power, either. Simply shrugged her shoulders and advised me to simply take it easy. What will be, will be.

I'm all right with that kind of thinking.  I'm easy-peasy about a lot of things these days. I've had some big thinks, and some general mulling over of a few ideas here and there, but still, no answers. I feel much better about myself just playing it by ear, letting the wind guide me, so to speak. The beginning of summer, and I wholly believe that it's simply the right time to let it all just go.

Broke, broke, broke, though.  Poverty sucks, man. Luckily, I'm accustomed to it, and can pennypinch like no tomorrow.  Payments to the government for my student loan, child care, transportation (read gas money), food, and the occasional pk of rez smokes and there's not much left in the right jeans pocket after a payday. We have the bare necessities, and that's it.  But like Baloo, it's just jivey, these days. I'm not worried, simply accustomed, I repeat.

I'm listening to I've Been Everywhere by Johnny Cash, reading Atonement by Ian McEwan, I'm hooked on celebrity magazines, and just saw Transformers for the billionth time.