Sucked into This Depression

I won't be leaving anytime soon!!

from JoeUser Forums
Well as my most recent readers already know, I've been in a state of depression for qutie sometime now. Well, I thought that I was nearly clear of that depression until tonight. I don't know what is going on with me!! I need to figure something out. I was doing a report/easay thing for my health class the other day and I happened to do it over chronic depression. And as I looked up all the symptoms, I have all of them. And they are as follows:

~Sadness or hopelessness.
~Loss of interest or pleasure in most of your daily activities
~A change in appetite that causes either weight gain or weight loss
~Sleeping too much or not enough
~Feeling restless and unable to sit still, or feeling that moving takes a great effort
~Feeling tired all the time
~Feeling unworthy or guilty without an obvious reason
~Having problems concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
~Thinking often about death or suicide

Yes it seems to me that I have every single one of those. I'm pretty much always 90% sad, I haven't really had much of an appetite lately and because of that have lost an excessive amount of weight. Sometimes I can't stay still, and other times I just don't want to get up and go anywhere. I always feel guilty about something, but I don't know what that something is. I'm always tired 98% of the time. I haven't remembered to do a lot of things lately. A couple of mornings I have forgotten to feed my goats. Which i feel bad about. Poor little things. Shame on me! I have trouble concentrating on my school work, and other thing that are work realated. And sometimes I can't decide on anything.

And yes the big one, last but not least. Death or suicide. Yes I have thought of this as a possible way out of this hell hole. But yet I have not chosen to take this route for a couple of reasons. One, being of my religion, but we won't go into that so I don't start a whole arguement. And two, I think there's just one person keeping my alive besides all of my great friends. If it weren't for my religion, then I might have actually tried to pull it off. I dunno.

I think most of you know the whole story on me and Brandon. You know how it goes. Yeah, I think this might be the main reason I'm depressed. Not that it's just him or anything, but because the way people act around him, which therefore causes him to act differently than what he truly is. He hasn't been talking to his best friends enough lately and people are starting to think that he's forgetting about us. He hardly talks to us anymore and is always talking to the same two people everyday. And because of this those two have more enemies than anyone possible. We had a dance tonight after our football game. Well I danced with Brandon. Which was awesome. But then as soon as one of those girls saw us dancing, she got someone to dance with and then got right beside me and Brandon. And the bumped into us on purpose. Ok, maybe they found it funny, but I really didn't one single bit what-so-ever. It's like I can't even talk to him by myslef anymore. He's always got one of the same two people around him the whole time. So if I ever wanna tell him something that i don't want others to hear, I don't have that option anymore. I know he's willing to help when I need it. But, gosh, all i'm asking is for like five minutes alone time. geez. I'm hoping to go to homecoming with Brandon this year. I have asked him and his reply so far is that he doesn't know if he's going or not. But I'm hoping that if he's allowed, then he will go with me. And now all my friends have a girlfriend or a boyfirend, and im like the only one who doesn't. I feel left out and lonely. I wish I just had that one guy.

And that's not the only problem in my life right now. My family is having issues with each other. We're supposed to have a hog roast out here at my house tomorrow for my mom's side of the family. Well my aunt won't come. And it's because she heard that my mom said her and my uncle were dirt poor and that they need to find help. And my mom would never say that. She just simply said that they had finanacle(sp?) troubles and my cousin might need some school clothes, and that i could give her some of the stuff i don't wear anymore. So now my aunt isn't going to come. And I found out that my other uncle is who told her that my mom said that. And the whole thing started from my grandma. So yeah, now my family is gonna be in one big fight. That's just perfect. And another thing, one of my friends well at least thought they were my friend came up to me tonight and told me they hated me and to go f^&% off. And they weren't joking around either.

I hope im not making any of you out there cry or anything as i've already did to one person that has heard the whole story over messenger. I wasn't intended on having you all feel sorry for me. I just simply needed to vent out. and i feel this is the place to do it.

:( carebear :(
blogging
3,557 views 15 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
Carebear,

Vent away. While there isn't much I can say to make the pain go away, I can say I understand. I'm trying to keep up with your blogs because I know how you're feeling and just want to offer some words of support. Venting's far better than doing something you'll regret later, look at it that way. I'll keep you in my prayers
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks for letting me vent Gideon. I know you don't know what to say, and you don't have to say anything if you don't want to. And I'm glad for your words of support. They are greatly appreciated!! Big time!! Yeah, I don't want to regret anything. Thanks so much Gideon! *hugs and kisses*

~carebear~
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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sorry to hear this carebear.....I'm not quite sure what to say....probably nothing of any use, but I do hope you'll snap out of it.....maybe you should talk to a doctor?.....if not, I'm glad you're venting your feelings instead of doing something.....well, not so good......

Best wishes ,
~Zoo
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top

Carebear...you're not alone.  I felt that way for most of last year, and on and off throughtout my adult life.  It does get better, trust me.  In the meantime, talk, vent, rant, cry...I'm here, and I'm listening...we all are. 


D'you think your mum would take you to a doctor to talk about it?  Sometimes a little medication can help get your brain chemistry back on track again, and that's all it takes to get you feeling better.

Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Carebear,

Firstly I will say that when you grow older you will look back and see all the different relationships and experiences you had and laugh at the need you had to be with Brandon...there is no one person for us in life but many people you connect with at a greater level and those you don't so much ....many people....so you are not missing out if you and Brandon do not stay together and there is always someone around the corner that will be a big..or small part of your life ...enjoy each respectfully as it may be fleeting or it may not....don't force these ...let them happen naturally as you never know what you may be missing out on in the future because you clung to something you should have let go.

And secondly....I want you to do something for me Carebear......and you have to do it...for yourself.....I want you to pick yourself up after you finish reading this....I want you to go outside whatever the weather....go outside whether it be day or night....and look up .....look up at the stars ....at the sky.... feel the sun on your skin.....the wind in your hair.......look all around you at the world.....all the life around you.....YOU ARE ALIVE.....say that to yourself........I AM ALIVE ............ I AM ALIVE......in your head or out loud doesn't matter....but say it to yourself.
The world is full of wonder, Carebear, and you are part of that wonder.....the miracle that is life on Earth.......Feel the life in you and live....don't waste your opportunity to be the best that you can be....for your self and the world.....challenge yourself to live.
And whenever you begin to feel overwhelmed.....go outside again and feel the elements around you and remind yourself that you are part of this.....
you are part of the Earth...Sky and Stars....you are part of everything, and it, a part of you.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
maybe you should talk to a doctor?


D'you think your mum would take you to a doctor to talk about it? Sometimes a little medication can help get your brain chemistry back on track again, and that's all it takes to get you feeling better.


Ok, here's the thing you guys. My mom has no clue I'm like this. And I really can't tell my mom these kinds of things. She just doesn't understand when I try to. And I really don't want to go to a doctor. I know you think I should but trust me if you were me right now you wouldn't want to either.

Crusaders~ Yeah, I know that I don't need to be with Brandon. But he's been the only I've liked for a long while. I just haven't found any other guy like him so far. I haven't really found a guy that I have interest in. But thank you so much for your words. I think tonight I will go out like you suggested! Thanks! *hugs*

~carebear~
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
Carebear,
I know it's hard. I remember when I felt that way. I swear I felt the same way that you are explaining that you feel. Pray about it. Even if God doesn't cure you, maybe he will give you peace. I'll be praying for you.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Carebear: I'm going to come off bossy here, but you really should talk to SOMEONE . . . maybe a teacher you trust? your school counselor? your pastor? I think it's very admirable that you have been willing to talk about it here, but in addition to that I think you should try to find a teacher or counselor or other adult you know and trust to confide in. I think you'd be surprised how caring and willing to help you they'd be. We all think the world of you here at JU, and no one wants to see you hurting like this. *big hug for carebear*

Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Texas~ I know I should tell a teacher or someone, but there's really none of them that are worthy of telling. And I don't like the way things at our school go around. It's not just the students that go around teling things, I've found that teachers will too, no matter what the deal or situation is. I have been talking about it with people outside of JU. I know you're not trying to be mean or anything. It's ok. I'm sure I'll figure this whole thing out somtime or another!. *hugs texas back*

~carebear~
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
carebear,

I understand if you don't figure a teacher's worth telling, but do you have a youth pastor or something? Peers are great for emotional support, but your peers have the same life experience limitations as you do; all of your group that blogs here are incredibly talented, intelligent individuals, but sometimes life experience is a good thing to add into the mix, ya know what I mean?

All in all, it's your call, and we'll all be here and support you on it no matter what, but in the meantime, at least give some thought to what we're saying, ok?

By the way, a school counselor or a pastor have to keep confidentiality unless they genuinely feel you're in danger of taking your own life or harming someone else.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
Yeah I got a pastor. But he's new and I don't know him. So I don't feel comfortable talking with him just yet. And I don't even know my counselor. And I know my peers have experience limitations. But right now one of my friends is going through almost, i guess the same thing i am, at least the depression part. So we're realating in some ways.

I know you'll be here, all of you, to support my decisions. And I truly from the bottom of my heart thank you so much for that!! *hugs Gideon*

~carebear~
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
Carebear,
Talk to your mum....I'm a mother and I would be so upset if I knew my child was hurting and felt they couldn't confide in me. Parents are forever they are always there for you even when you think they are not. Sometimes life can become busy and hectic and you feel people don't have time for you...but if you only let them know how important it is to talk about it they (your mum) will understand and make the time.
Talk to your mum...pick a time when you know you can get her attention ...sit her down and tell her tthat you need her guidance....you need to talk about how you are feeling and ask her if she can help you understand....and help you to get past this point in your life.

And Carebear....don't feel the need to have a boyfriend...you are not judged by who you are with or who you are not with..Learn to stand on your own two feet...Be strong......One day you will meet someone you will spend the rest of your life with and the more time you have had on your own...to learn, appreciate and experience life, making your own decisions without having to consider another, the more likely it will be that you will choose the person you will live blissfully with 'til your old age rather than choosing someone because you just want to have them and live together resentfully...not happy..just together. Which would you prefer...?

Stay strong Carebear...things always change....
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm not feeling the need to have a boyfriend. I just like him. And I don't care how people judge me, it doesn't bother me. I'm happy with the way am.(not the way im feeling, but just the way i am, if that makes sense) And I'm not choosing him just because I want to have him with me. I like him for who he is. It's not like I want him just because all i want is a boyfriend.

And you guys don't understand that I can't talk to my mom. First off, she says I shouldn't even like guys yet. I shouldn't and I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend yet for another six months. If I told her she'd freak out. But it's so hard to explain this to you becaus you don't know my mom. I think that's maybe why some of my friends on here that know my mom haven't told me to talk to her, because they know her and know how she is.

I love your advice and everything dearly! But I just don't think the mom thing is going to work. I wish I could mak e you understand better.

~carebear~
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
Have a hug from the Mug CB

I hope you are feeling better... I kind of have the feeling you will be ok... you know the score, and while that sometimes hurts, almost to the point of suicide, you have written about it and risen above the possibility... Vent away indeed! we are all here to listen and help

Stupid boys huh?

BAM!!!
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
Aww...thanks Muggaz! Yeah, stupid boys! lol. *hugs muggaz*

~carebear~