Discipline Without Punishment, Part Two
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
Love and logic parenting is a philosophy based on law and order. We allow our kids to mess up, and we don't drive home the lesson of their misdeeds with our words. We are slow to lecture; we never actually tell our kids what they have just learned. We believe telling them what to think is counterproductive. We can give them guidance but they must think for themselves.
However, none of this means that we don't set limits for our children. Limits are crucial to love and logic parenting. Our kids need the security in which they can begin making those important decisions. They have to know the boundaries.
Kids seem most secure around parents who are strong, who don't allow the limits they place on their kids to crumble. Children lose respect for adults who cannot set limits and make them stick. Kids who misbehave without having to face the consequences become brats. Children lucky enough to have limits placed on them in loving ways become secure enough not only to deal with their own emotions, but to form satisfying relationships with others. Limits allow children to develop self-confidence. As a result, they are easier to teach, they spend less time misbehaving, and they grow up to be responsible adults.
For many parents, setting limits means issuing commands, and backing up those limits with more commands spiced with sternness and anger. Love and logic parents are always asking questions and offering choices. We don't tell our kids what to do, but we put the burden of decision making on their shoulders. As they grow older, we don't tell them what the limits are, but we establish limits by offering choices. We insist on respect and obedience, just as command parents do. But instead of fighting words, we use thinking words.
For example, if a child says something loud and unkind to the parents:
FIGHTING WORDS: Don't you talk to me in that tone of voice!
THINKING WORDS: You sound upset. I'll be glad to listen when your voice is as soft as mine is.
If two children are fighting:
FIGHTING WORDS: Be nice to each other. Quit fighting!
THINKING WORDS: You guys are welcome to come back as soon as you work that out.
Kids fight against commands. They see an implied threat in them. When we tell them to do something, they see our words as an attempt to take control of the situation. Anytime we usurp more control, it means that they have less control. They exert themselves to regain the control they see slipping away.
Fighting words include three types of commands:
1) when we tell our kids what to do--"You get to work on that lawn right now."
2) when we tell our kids what we will not allow--"You're not going to talk to me that way!"
3) when we tell our kids what we WON'T do for them--"I'm not letting you out of this house until you clean the living room."
Thinking words tell our children
1) what we will allow--"Feel free to join us for your next meal as soon as the lawn is mowed."
2) what we will do--"I'll be glad to read you a story as soon as you've finished your bath."
3) what we will provide--"You may eat what is served, or you may wait and see if the next meal appeals to you more."
When we give children the righ to make decisions, there is no anger for them to rebel against. Nobody is doing their thinking for them, and the limit is established.
Just as quickly as children learn where the limits are, they'll test them. In fact, they NEED to test them in order to assure themselves that the limits are firm enough to provide the needed security. They need to find out if we mean what we say, if we're going to stand firm on our word or not.
The battles that parents can't win are those centered around children's brain activity. If kids can hook us into trying to make them talk, think, learn, or go to sleep at a certain time, they've got us. We'll never win those battles, and we'll waste our energy fighting them.
Children who grow up with parents who dole out control in increasing amounts are usually satisfied with the level of control. It's always more than it used to be.
One reason choices work is that they create situations in which children are forced to think. Kids are given options to ponder, courses of action to choose. They must decide. Second, choices proviide opportunities for children to make mistakes and learn from the consequences. Third, choices help us avoid getting into control battles with our children. And finally, choices provide our children with opportunities to hear that we trust their thinking abilities, which builds their self-esteem, and builds the relationship between parent and child. It is best, however, to offer choices only when you are willing to ensure that your children will be forced to live with the consequences.
There are two basic points to offering choices:
1) Never give more than two verbal choices, but make sure the child knows there is an implied third choice, if he doesn't decide, then we'll decide for him.
2) Make sure whichever choice the child chooses, it will be something we can live with.
Nonthreatening choices, offered in a calm manner, give children a chance to take some control over their problems.
Always be sure to select choices you as a parent like. Never provide one you like and one you don't, because the child will usually select the one you don't like. Never give a choice unless you are willing to allow the child to experience the consequences of that choice. Never give choices when the child is in danger. Never give choices unless you are willing to make the choice in the event the child doesn't. Delivery of the choices is important. Try to start your sentence with one of the following: "You're welcome to (choice A) or (choice
." "Feel free to (choice A) or (choice ." "Would you rather (choice A) or (choice ?" "What would be best for you--(choice A) or (choice ?"
Notice how there has been no mention of punishment to this point? Punishment doesn't happen in the real world unless a crime is committed. When people are punished for something, they seldom pause for self-examination. Resentment is the more common reaction. The real world operates on consequences, not punishments. Punishing our children allows them to escape from the real consequences of their actions.
Love and logic parents want our children to hurt from the inside out. This happens when we allow the consequences to do the teaching. Consequences leave kids thinking very hard about their behavior and their responsibilities. Consequences lead to self-examination and thought.
Natural consequences allow the cause and effect of our children's actions to register in their brains. When they ask themselves "Who is making me hurt like this?" their only answer is "Me." But these consequences put a painful, sinking feeling into our stomachs as parents. They are exactly the things we don't want to happen to our children.
While natural consequences are best, occasionally our children's actions don't lend themselves to such consequences. In those cases, we must impose consequences ourselves. The imposed consequences must be enforceable, fit the "crime," and be laid down firmly in love. Sometimes these consequences look a lot like punishment. But when they are imposed without anger and threats, and when presented to our children in a way that the connection between the misbehavior and the consequence is made plain, they are quite effective.
If no consequence comes to mind, it is much better to take our time and think of an appropriate consequence than to blurt something out in haste or anger. TIme for thinking can be bought with words like "I'm not sure what to do about this right now. But I'll let you know." or "I'm not sure how to react to that. I'll have to give it some thought." (My children HATE when I stop to think about how to handle something, especially the 14 yr old...she will BEG to just be grounded and have done with it! LOL)
The thing that drives the lesson down into our children's hearts after they make a mistake is our empathy and sadness. When our kids blow it and suffer the consequences, it is crucial that we express our sadness to them. For the consequences to have any benefit, we must commiserate with our kids, not yell at them. They have nobody to be angry with but themselves when we show sadness.
Now, if anyone is interested in specifics, feel free to toss me out some situations, and I'll do my best to let you know how I have or would handle it using this method of parenting. Thanks to anyone who read both articles!!
However, none of this means that we don't set limits for our children. Limits are crucial to love and logic parenting. Our kids need the security in which they can begin making those important decisions. They have to know the boundaries.
Kids seem most secure around parents who are strong, who don't allow the limits they place on their kids to crumble. Children lose respect for adults who cannot set limits and make them stick. Kids who misbehave without having to face the consequences become brats. Children lucky enough to have limits placed on them in loving ways become secure enough not only to deal with their own emotions, but to form satisfying relationships with others. Limits allow children to develop self-confidence. As a result, they are easier to teach, they spend less time misbehaving, and they grow up to be responsible adults.
For many parents, setting limits means issuing commands, and backing up those limits with more commands spiced with sternness and anger. Love and logic parents are always asking questions and offering choices. We don't tell our kids what to do, but we put the burden of decision making on their shoulders. As they grow older, we don't tell them what the limits are, but we establish limits by offering choices. We insist on respect and obedience, just as command parents do. But instead of fighting words, we use thinking words.
For example, if a child says something loud and unkind to the parents:
FIGHTING WORDS: Don't you talk to me in that tone of voice!
THINKING WORDS: You sound upset. I'll be glad to listen when your voice is as soft as mine is.
If two children are fighting:
FIGHTING WORDS: Be nice to each other. Quit fighting!
THINKING WORDS: You guys are welcome to come back as soon as you work that out.
Kids fight against commands. They see an implied threat in them. When we tell them to do something, they see our words as an attempt to take control of the situation. Anytime we usurp more control, it means that they have less control. They exert themselves to regain the control they see slipping away.
Fighting words include three types of commands:
1) when we tell our kids what to do--"You get to work on that lawn right now."
2) when we tell our kids what we will not allow--"You're not going to talk to me that way!"
3) when we tell our kids what we WON'T do for them--"I'm not letting you out of this house until you clean the living room."
Thinking words tell our children
1) what we will allow--"Feel free to join us for your next meal as soon as the lawn is mowed."
2) what we will do--"I'll be glad to read you a story as soon as you've finished your bath."
3) what we will provide--"You may eat what is served, or you may wait and see if the next meal appeals to you more."
When we give children the righ to make decisions, there is no anger for them to rebel against. Nobody is doing their thinking for them, and the limit is established.
Just as quickly as children learn where the limits are, they'll test them. In fact, they NEED to test them in order to assure themselves that the limits are firm enough to provide the needed security. They need to find out if we mean what we say, if we're going to stand firm on our word or not.
The battles that parents can't win are those centered around children's brain activity. If kids can hook us into trying to make them talk, think, learn, or go to sleep at a certain time, they've got us. We'll never win those battles, and we'll waste our energy fighting them.
Children who grow up with parents who dole out control in increasing amounts are usually satisfied with the level of control. It's always more than it used to be.
One reason choices work is that they create situations in which children are forced to think. Kids are given options to ponder, courses of action to choose. They must decide. Second, choices proviide opportunities for children to make mistakes and learn from the consequences. Third, choices help us avoid getting into control battles with our children. And finally, choices provide our children with opportunities to hear that we trust their thinking abilities, which builds their self-esteem, and builds the relationship between parent and child. It is best, however, to offer choices only when you are willing to ensure that your children will be forced to live with the consequences.
There are two basic points to offering choices:
1) Never give more than two verbal choices, but make sure the child knows there is an implied third choice, if he doesn't decide, then we'll decide for him.
2) Make sure whichever choice the child chooses, it will be something we can live with.
Nonthreatening choices, offered in a calm manner, give children a chance to take some control over their problems.
Always be sure to select choices you as a parent like. Never provide one you like and one you don't, because the child will usually select the one you don't like. Never give a choice unless you are willing to allow the child to experience the consequences of that choice. Never give choices when the child is in danger. Never give choices unless you are willing to make the choice in the event the child doesn't. Delivery of the choices is important. Try to start your sentence with one of the following: "You're welcome to (choice A) or (choice
." "Feel free to (choice A) or (choice ." "Would you rather (choice A) or (choice ?" "What would be best for you--(choice A) or (choice ?"Notice how there has been no mention of punishment to this point? Punishment doesn't happen in the real world unless a crime is committed. When people are punished for something, they seldom pause for self-examination. Resentment is the more common reaction. The real world operates on consequences, not punishments. Punishing our children allows them to escape from the real consequences of their actions.
Love and logic parents want our children to hurt from the inside out. This happens when we allow the consequences to do the teaching. Consequences leave kids thinking very hard about their behavior and their responsibilities. Consequences lead to self-examination and thought.
Natural consequences allow the cause and effect of our children's actions to register in their brains. When they ask themselves "Who is making me hurt like this?" their only answer is "Me." But these consequences put a painful, sinking feeling into our stomachs as parents. They are exactly the things we don't want to happen to our children.
While natural consequences are best, occasionally our children's actions don't lend themselves to such consequences. In those cases, we must impose consequences ourselves. The imposed consequences must be enforceable, fit the "crime," and be laid down firmly in love. Sometimes these consequences look a lot like punishment. But when they are imposed without anger and threats, and when presented to our children in a way that the connection between the misbehavior and the consequence is made plain, they are quite effective.
If no consequence comes to mind, it is much better to take our time and think of an appropriate consequence than to blurt something out in haste or anger. TIme for thinking can be bought with words like "I'm not sure what to do about this right now. But I'll let you know." or "I'm not sure how to react to that. I'll have to give it some thought." (My children HATE when I stop to think about how to handle something, especially the 14 yr old...she will BEG to just be grounded and have done with it! LOL)
The thing that drives the lesson down into our children's hearts after they make a mistake is our empathy and sadness. When our kids blow it and suffer the consequences, it is crucial that we express our sadness to them. For the consequences to have any benefit, we must commiserate with our kids, not yell at them. They have nobody to be angry with but themselves when we show sadness.
Now, if anyone is interested in specifics, feel free to toss me out some situations, and I'll do my best to let you know how I have or would handle it using this method of parenting. Thanks to anyone who read both articles!!
