Discipline Without Punishment, Part One
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
After reading another bloggers article on discipline vs. drugging children, and being accused of being "a lazy, frightened, incompetent, unfit 'mother' " because I don't believe in spanking, and prefer to use a combination of Positive Discipline and natural and logical consequences---and because I have a child with ADHD--I decided to write an article on the ways that I have disciplined my children over the last 18 years.
First of all, let's look at some basic definitions. Discipline is " to train or develop by instruction and exercise, especially in self-control", while punishment is "suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution". By using discipline and consequences, you cut down on the incidences of punishment...and physical punishment never has to enter the equation at all.
The books I read and use as the basis for my parenting plan are written by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. According to them, effective parenting centers around love: love that is not permissive, love that doesn't tolerate disrespect, but also love that is powerful enough to allow kids to make mistakes and permit them to live with the consequences of those mistakes. Most mistakes have logical consequences. And those consequences, when accompanied by empathy--our compassionate understanding of the child's disappointment, frustration and pain--hit home with mind-changing power.
This discipline approach allows children to grow in maturity as they grow in years. It teaches them to think, to decide, and to live with their decisions. In short, it teaches them to take responsibility for their actions and decisions.
Parenting with love and logic is all about raising responsible kids. It's a win-win situation for parents and children. Parents win by loving their chidren and by establishing effective controls, without resorting to anger or threats. Kids win because they learn at an early age about responsibility and the logic of life, by solving their own problems and acquiring the tools for coping with the real world. By the time children are 11 or 12, they should be able to make most decisions without parental input.
Another principle of this approach is "responsibility can't be taught, it must be caught." To help a child gain responsibility we must give the child opportunities to be responsible. Parents who raise responsible children spend very little time or energy worrying about their kids' responsibilities. They worry more about how to let the children encounter logical consequences for their irresponsibility. They are very involved with their children, lovingly using good judgment as to when their children are ready to learn the next level of life's lessons. But they don't spend their time reminding them or worrying for them. In a subtle way, they say "I'm sure you'll remember on your own, but if you don't you'll surely learn something from the experience." They help their children understand that they can solve their own problems. They are sympathetic, but they don't solve their kids problems for them.
When we parent with love and logic, we emphasize a powerful combination: letting our children fail in non-threatening situations while emphasizing their strengths. We are uncritical and nonprotective. Strong, effective parents say in both their covert and over messages, "There's a lot of love here for you regardless of the way you act or do your work at school or anyplace else." When this love is combined with touching, a smile, and eye contact, a bond is created between parent and child.
When children are small, we can teach them that getting the job done is fun. We never pass judgment on the work of children when they are trying to learn. Rather, we say things like these:
* I can see you are working hard to learn to do long division. Let me know if you would like some help.
* I see that you are learning to make the bed just like Mom. Would you like me to show you how I get the wrinkles out?
Many parents tell their children they expect them to be responsible for themselves, yet they are forever informing their children when they are hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, tired or even when they need to go to the bathroom:
*Put on your coat. It's too cold for you to be going out without it.
* You can't be hungry. We just ate an hour ago.
* Sit down and be quiet. You don't need another drink.
* You get to sleep right this minute!
* Be sure to use the bathroom before we leave.
This tells children they are not capable of thinking for themselves, that they cannot take control of their lives and make decisions.
Children are going to mess up plenty. When they do, they will have more than enough chances to gow in responsibility as they resolve their problems. Parents who take on their child's problems do them a great disservice. They rob their children of the chance to grow in responsibility, and they actually foster further irresponsible behavior.
If we explode at children for something they do to themselves, like losing schoolbooks or bringing home failing grades, we only make the problem worse. We give children the message that the actual, logical consequences of messing up is making adults angry. The children get angry in return, rather than learning a lesson from the consequences of their mistake.
Children who deal directly with their own problems are moved to solve them. They know that if they don't, no one will. Not their parents, not their teachers--nobody. And on a subconscious level, they feel much better about themselves when they handle their own problems.
While unwillingness to do homework, bad grades or tardiness at school may be maddening, we must find a loving way to allow the consequences to do the teaching for the child, whatever those consequences may be. If the problem is how our children relate to us (disrespectful talk, sassing, etc.), how they do chores, playing loud music, waking us up in the middle of the night, misbehaving when in public, or matters surrounding their life support system (food, room and board), then the problem has drifted out of their domain and directly into ours. In short, if it's a problem for us, it should soon be a problem for them.
Unfortunately, separating their problems from our problems is not always as cut and dried as we would like. The line between the two often becomes blurred by parental indecision, guilt, insecurity and, importantly, our own childhood's authoritarianism. The best solution to any problem, however, lies within the skin of the person who owns the problem.
This is going on forever, so I'm going to put the rest in another article, part two....coming soon.....LOL
First of all, let's look at some basic definitions. Discipline is " to train or develop by instruction and exercise, especially in self-control", while punishment is "suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution". By using discipline and consequences, you cut down on the incidences of punishment...and physical punishment never has to enter the equation at all.
The books I read and use as the basis for my parenting plan are written by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. According to them, effective parenting centers around love: love that is not permissive, love that doesn't tolerate disrespect, but also love that is powerful enough to allow kids to make mistakes and permit them to live with the consequences of those mistakes. Most mistakes have logical consequences. And those consequences, when accompanied by empathy--our compassionate understanding of the child's disappointment, frustration and pain--hit home with mind-changing power.
This discipline approach allows children to grow in maturity as they grow in years. It teaches them to think, to decide, and to live with their decisions. In short, it teaches them to take responsibility for their actions and decisions.
Parenting with love and logic is all about raising responsible kids. It's a win-win situation for parents and children. Parents win by loving their chidren and by establishing effective controls, without resorting to anger or threats. Kids win because they learn at an early age about responsibility and the logic of life, by solving their own problems and acquiring the tools for coping with the real world. By the time children are 11 or 12, they should be able to make most decisions without parental input.
Another principle of this approach is "responsibility can't be taught, it must be caught." To help a child gain responsibility we must give the child opportunities to be responsible. Parents who raise responsible children spend very little time or energy worrying about their kids' responsibilities. They worry more about how to let the children encounter logical consequences for their irresponsibility. They are very involved with their children, lovingly using good judgment as to when their children are ready to learn the next level of life's lessons. But they don't spend their time reminding them or worrying for them. In a subtle way, they say "I'm sure you'll remember on your own, but if you don't you'll surely learn something from the experience." They help their children understand that they can solve their own problems. They are sympathetic, but they don't solve their kids problems for them.
When we parent with love and logic, we emphasize a powerful combination: letting our children fail in non-threatening situations while emphasizing their strengths. We are uncritical and nonprotective. Strong, effective parents say in both their covert and over messages, "There's a lot of love here for you regardless of the way you act or do your work at school or anyplace else." When this love is combined with touching, a smile, and eye contact, a bond is created between parent and child.
When children are small, we can teach them that getting the job done is fun. We never pass judgment on the work of children when they are trying to learn. Rather, we say things like these:
* I can see you are working hard to learn to do long division. Let me know if you would like some help.
* I see that you are learning to make the bed just like Mom. Would you like me to show you how I get the wrinkles out?
Many parents tell their children they expect them to be responsible for themselves, yet they are forever informing their children when they are hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, tired or even when they need to go to the bathroom:
*Put on your coat. It's too cold for you to be going out without it.
* You can't be hungry. We just ate an hour ago.
* Sit down and be quiet. You don't need another drink.
* You get to sleep right this minute!
* Be sure to use the bathroom before we leave.
This tells children they are not capable of thinking for themselves, that they cannot take control of their lives and make decisions.
Children are going to mess up plenty. When they do, they will have more than enough chances to gow in responsibility as they resolve their problems. Parents who take on their child's problems do them a great disservice. They rob their children of the chance to grow in responsibility, and they actually foster further irresponsible behavior.
If we explode at children for something they do to themselves, like losing schoolbooks or bringing home failing grades, we only make the problem worse. We give children the message that the actual, logical consequences of messing up is making adults angry. The children get angry in return, rather than learning a lesson from the consequences of their mistake.
Children who deal directly with their own problems are moved to solve them. They know that if they don't, no one will. Not their parents, not their teachers--nobody. And on a subconscious level, they feel much better about themselves when they handle their own problems.
While unwillingness to do homework, bad grades or tardiness at school may be maddening, we must find a loving way to allow the consequences to do the teaching for the child, whatever those consequences may be. If the problem is how our children relate to us (disrespectful talk, sassing, etc.), how they do chores, playing loud music, waking us up in the middle of the night, misbehaving when in public, or matters surrounding their life support system (food, room and board), then the problem has drifted out of their domain and directly into ours. In short, if it's a problem for us, it should soon be a problem for them.
Unfortunately, separating their problems from our problems is not always as cut and dried as we would like. The line between the two often becomes blurred by parental indecision, guilt, insecurity and, importantly, our own childhood's authoritarianism. The best solution to any problem, however, lies within the skin of the person who owns the problem.
This is going on forever, so I'm going to put the rest in another article, part two....coming soon.....LOL
