Today Would Be a Good Day to Die

Reflecting on Failure

from JoeUser Forums
After my desperate attempt to escape my life ended in miserable failure and injury I am reflecting on just where I am in life and what the hell I have to live for.

Know what? I can't think of a single thing to keep on trudging through life for. My back troubles have literally made it impossible for me to work. If I could get disability the system is set up to make it a long drawn out affair, during which I'll be homeless and starving.

My girlfriend of 7 years wants to split up because I am so far in debt it doesn't look like I'll ever see daylight and she doesn't see us ever getting married because of it. Really breaks my heart.

I have a summons to appear in court because I am $11,000 behind on my child support. Not that I haven't been paying it when I was working, and it's not all behind from a continuous time frame. I have had several illnesses and injuries which have caused me to be out of work at various times and for various periods of time and it has accumulated from these. I had been working to get it caught up, but at roughly $1000 a month regular payments it has been hard to manage the extra needed to get caught up. I don't know what's going to happen in court now that I simply can't work any more. Probably jail time, and I would rather be dead than be in jail.

Every thing about my life is totally and thoroughly screwed up and I just don't see any sulutions.

I have nobody to go and stay with that I wouldn't be a burden upon. Both my brothers are struggling and can't afford it. My mother is in ill health and has neither the room nor the wherewithall for me to stay with her.

Basically, I can't think of a single reason to go on with this endless torment.

This article is a whiny, miserable piece of work that wouldn't interest anyone but I needed to get it out of my system. I don't know what I'm going to do now, but at least I got this written down, such as it is.
blogging
7,356 views 45 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top

Hey, Mason....do me a favor and email me, will you?  The address is on my blog ([email protected])

I know that things seem hopeless at the moment.  I know that right now you think that you have nowhere to turn.  I know.  I can't promise you that things will get better, but I can sure tell you that I think that they will.

I want to help in any way I can...even if it's only to listen to you.

Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
mason you can do much better than this. Life is too short to be dealing with those troubles. Live life, be happy. DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
Sins of a Solar Empire II
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
there may be good reasons for voluntary checkout but none of them is money.

without going into a short novel, i cant substantiate that statement to the point that it doesnt sound cliched, so youll have to determine its validity solely on the basis of whether it makes sense to you. money flows in and out of peoples lives. at the bleakest times, its not easy to see that and usually it doesnt flow in when you think you really need it. the thing to realize is money may make life easier at times but having money isnt salvation...not having money isnt condemnation. what you have never equals what youre worth. its a humbling experience (i know that so well) but as ry cooder put it so well hope lives on when pride is gone. and it keeps you moving on. and every step, every minute takes you that much farther towards that next good thing that will eventually be there for you.

i sincerely hope itll happen soon too
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
mason,

i would like to echo dharmas' offer of any possible means of support. and i do mean it. i can and will help you if i can, and i know i am not alone. please speak up, just say the word.

you've been through a lot. but you made it this far. please phone a friend or member of your family as soon as you can. if you feel unable to do so, use a telephone service (most allow anonymity if you prefer).

but talk, mason. talk it out aloud to someone and let them be your guide whilst you cannot guide yourself. these life problems are just elementary - you the person are a triumph of spirit over adversity. many would have given up long ago.

don't mistake your life circumstances for a reflection of the person you are. mason, there is so much more to you than that. even from this vast distance it is clear that you still have a great deal to offer.

you can do this, mason. the only reason you need is yourself and everything you have fought so bravely to become.

please, don't give up, mason

mig XX
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Live life, be happy


Thanks miki. Not sure I remember how.

every minute takes you that much farther towards that next good thing that will eventually be there for you.


Thanks Kingbee. That's a nice thought and probably true. Just don't see it right now.

Mig, thanks to you. Right now I have no idea of what kind of help would possibly make things right. As to talking to someone, I just couldn't possibly verbalize things with someone right now. Things are just too messed up and frankly, I'm just too depressed to make the effort. I do appreciate it though.

Dharma..I emailed you as you asked. I really appreciate your concern, as well as the concern of the others who replied to this. Frankly I really didn't expect anyone to care, let alone reply to this pathetic article. I really do appreciate it. Right now it seems people I don't even actually know care more than the ones I do know, or myself for that matter.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
hang in Mason... have you thought about talking to God about this stuff?
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
Mason, I am here for you. I've been through some serious financial situations and can empathize completely. Foodbanks, homelessness and wondering how the hell I can make it through until the end of the month when it is only the 5th day of the week. I can only say that I am thinking of you, and just wanted to let you know that I can be reached at [email protected] if you ever want to talk.
Nicky
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Mason, I echo the sentiments of those who have offered their support. Talking about your problems, connecting with others, and reaching out to God all can help. If you need someone else to talk to drop me a line at [email protected] and I will offer whatever I can.

I know it sounds shallow, I know it sounds trite, but there really is a lot to live for, and perhaps you could use someone to help you see that.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
hang in Mason... have you thought about talking to God about this stuff?


Without turning this into a theological argument - The only person who can help Mason is himself at this point in time...

writing that blog was the first step...

Dont let life get you down big guy... I know that is easy for me to say in my position, and hard to say from yours, circumstance is a biyatch... I dont know how many times I have said this on JU - but it's not what we do when life is easy that develops our character, it's what we do in the face of adversity...

Mason, I have a feeling you will be ok

BAM!!!
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
Without turning this into a theological argument - The only person who can help Mason is himself at this point in time...


Again, without turning this into a theological debate, the above statement is only true for those who choose to not look beyond themselves.

I find the arrogance of imposing your belief system on another person quite appalling. Whereas imajinit simply offered an open suggestion, you have chosen to state your belief as unequivocal. So sad.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top

Mason, I'm looking into what the VA can do for you...I know how you feel about them, but desperate times.  I'll email you as soon as I get any more info for you.  Until then...take a look at the thread and see how many folks give a rat's ass about you.  I know that you probably think that we're not tangible, that we can't do anything practical for you..and you're right, we can't do anything practical, but we ARE real.  Behind each one of these names is a person, a real, living, breathing human, all of whom want to see you through this and onto the rest of your life.   There is going to be such a thing as the rest of your life, Mason.  This is but a bump in the road.  You might not be able to see over it and view the rest of the path, but it's there.  You've been through so much already...things that would have knocked a lesser man down and kept him there...but you've always picked yourself up and pressed on.  You have the strength to get past this...and if you think that you don't, well I'll lend you some of mine and I'm pretty sure everyone else who responded here will lend you some of theirs too.


So chin up, chicken.  It will get better.


 

Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sorry Mason.... I am gonna troll you up.

Again, without turning this into a theological debate, the above statement is only true for those who choose to not look beyond themselves.

I find the arrogance of imposing your belief system on another person quite appalling. Whereas imajinit simply offered an open suggestion, you have chosen to state your belief as unequivocal. So sad.


Ok, so Imajinit suggest's God, and it's an open suggestion...

I implied self help, and that is arrogance of imposing my beleif system? talk about double-standards...

im·pose ( P ) Pronunciation Key (m-pz)
v. im·posed, im·pos·ing, im·pos·es
v. tr.
To establish or apply as compulsory; levy: impose a tax.
To apply or make prevail by or as if by authority: impose a peace settlement. See Synonyms at dictate.
To obtrude or force (oneself, for example) on another or others.

You should really think a bit more before you reply....

It's irrelavant to this thread... write an article on it... hmm... I am both shocked an appalled...

BAM!!!
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
Always believe in yourself first. God works for a lot of people, regardless of the imposition. Nobody expects the Christian Imposition. Asking for help doesn't make a lesser man, but a greater one. For the others arguing semantics for the purpose of raising their stature in comparison to you, you should feel pity. A grain of salt I tell you, unless of course you have high blood pressure.
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sorry Muggaz, whereas imajinit left it as an open idea you stated it as a forgone conclusion that he had no other choice but to rely on himself and no higher power. Self-reliance is important, but blatantly declaring that it is his only option, with no other recourse certainly sounds like you are applying or establishing your belief system as absolute. By not leaving it open as an option (read your post again, you clearly did not imply anything, you declared it as an unfallible truth) you are, in essence, declaring your belief system to be more veritable than imajinit's. And since you don't know what Mason's is, your declaration is an attempt to impose your lack of faith in a diety on another person, a person reaching out for any help he can get.
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
Firstly, I'll say that I do believe in God and the suggestion was not at all unwelcome, as were none of the others. I appreciate and, rankly, am overwhelmed by the response to my bit of self-pity and whining which I personally find disgusting.

it's not what we do when life is easy that develops our character, it's what we do in the face of adversity...


Very true words. I have always believed that to be true. Steel is made stronger by fire and so is charactor. Thanks for that reminder

I am grateful for ALL of the shows of support here regardless of personal beliefs. Just shows that concern and love can come from all corners.

I am feeling a little better this evening. Still depressed and feeling hopeless, but a bit better than this morning. I have all of you to thank for that. It's nice to know that there are caring, concerned people left in this cruel world. That can't help but be encouraging. I know I'll survive. Somehow.
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
Oh, Dharma. While I appreciate the thought, don't waste time on the VA. I would die before I asked them for help. I have some very strong reasons for that which are too personal and painful to expound on here. (Has to do with the death of my father) Suffice it to say that they are not an option at all. Thanks you very much anyway.
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
There is going to be such a thing as the rest of your life, Mason

ive been thinking about you all day, wondering if there was something more i could have said or if id been clear enough.

thankfully dharma took care of that.
Reply #19 from JoeUser Forums Top

While I appreciate the thought, don't waste time on the VA


Ok, Mason.  It's your call, and I don't expect you to explain it to me.  Just know that I'll help in any way I can, and that I'm always available for a chat if you want.


I'm glad you're feeling better. How's your pain this evening?

Reply #20 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sorry again Mason...

read your post again, you clearly did not imply anything, you declared it as an unfallible truth


If you beleive people are just going to receive help without doing something for themselves first... well, you are very naive... Belief in yourself is an un-failable truth... whether you are Muslim, Christian, Jewish or whatever...

KarmaGirl - where are you when I need you?

BAM!!!
Reply #21 from JoeUser Forums Top
OK so the VA are out (I take it that means something like veterans association) arent there any other help groups over there. Seems to me your problems fall into three areas
firstly your back. Do you know what can be done to fix it up? If so is it lack of money stopping you or is the problem chronic? If it is chronic there seems to be a lot of info out there.
secondly romantic, sadly you cant make someone stick around. At the moment it sounds like you need to be thinking of yourself.
On the money front including your court case and maybe your back. I hear of lawyers doing pro bono work, are any of them able to help? Surely they can at least help with your court case and possibly they may be able to give advice on how to sort out your back. I typed pro bono into google and got quite a lot of entries, there must be something in your area.
I know you are depressed and getting enough motivation to do these things can be difficult when you feel like this. Maybe try just taking one step at a time. At least just call the lawyers.
As for 'whining', dont beat yourself up so much. Everyone needs help sometime.......went through some therapy myself just recently. I have more respect for someone who asks for help than someone whos pride will not allow it.
Reply #22 from JoeUser Forums Top
Sorry about my off-topic comments Mason. Please feel free to delete them as my intention was never to detract from the thread, but I ended up doing so anyway.

My most sincere apologies.
Reply #23 from JoeUser Forums Top
Oops, double post.
Reply #24 from JoeUser Forums Top

MasonM, keep your child(ren) in mind during your darkest times.  You will remember what is good about life and what potential there is when you think about them.  Hang in there for them if not for yourself.


I can relate to thoughts of ending it when you are in persistent pain.  I have been in pain so bad that if I knew there was no certain end to the pain, I wouldn't want to go on.  But as you have now witnessed here on JU, there are many people out there that care.  As long as there is life, there is hope.


Best wishes.

Reply #25 from JoeUser Forums Top
Do you know what can be done to fix it up?


The problem with my back is chronic and degenerative. I've had one surgery back in 1999. It did restore use of my right leg but also resulted in increased pain due to nerve damage. There are also problems with other discs and the SI joint. All extremely painful. Further surgeries just won't help the pain. Morphene would help for a while but eventually a tolerence is built up and it's effectiveness diminishes and you just wind up addicted to it without any pain benefit so that isn't a real option either. I'm sure if I were wealthy or important they would have some means of fixing it, but since I'm a poor nobody there doesn't seem to be any fixing to it.

I have emailed a lawyer who specializes in social security disability . I am still waiting to hear back from him.

The court case is another matter. The judge who will hear the case is known for jail time in these cases. I really can't live in jail. STill trying to decide what to do about this one.

Muggaz and BlueDev...while I appreciate your input and support, this thread isn't about religion and that discussion needs to take place someplace else. I won't delete the posts as I reserve that option for highly offensive 'trolling' which I do not consider them to be, but please refrain from this debate in this thread. Thanks.

As long as there is life, there is hope.


Thanks Jill. Sorry to hear about your pain. I am trying to find some hope but it seems to elude me at the moment. Perhaps I'll be able to think more clearly in a few days.

Dharma, I appreciate what you were trying to do but I really have good reasons for not accepting any help from the VA. Thank you anyway. Right now the pain is still pretty severe, but it should ease up in a day or two. Thanks for asking.