What's a Girl to do?

I Really Need Help! But, What's New?

from JoeUser Forums
8 months we've been dating. Over year ago we tried to get together but I'm not sure either of us were ready for it, and he wasn't that trustworthy back then. But I think he is now, really I do. I've always said that my worst fear is my boyfriend cheating on me and me not knowing it. Really, in a relationship, that's my worst fear. I'd feel so naive and stupid.

So my boyfriend called me last night, like he does once in a while. His computer is down so we couldn't talk there. We actually talked until almost midnight. And he's always such a sweetie. Things have been so good between us lately. I hope I'm not being fooled, really I hope not. So he's telling me how someone started a rumour that he screwed some chick named Carla on Friday night. Now, I guess he didn't leave his house, really, at all the rest of the weekend cuz he was supposed to be home doing chores. So I guess this romour spread online? He must talk to a bunch of people who brought it up, online. But wasn't his computer down? Oh, who knows... I just wish I could let it go and trust him. So, he's telling me how he took two people home Friday night after this bonfire... one guy and then this chick, Carla. I asked him who he dropped off first, blah blah. He said the guy, because it was most convenient driving-wise. It made sense. I'm glad I don't go to public school, with all these romours goin' around. He has this really good friend, Kim, who I never talk to, but he said that she said she was going to tell me about that Friday night or something. Now, I'm thinking, if they know each other so well, and are that great of friends, why wouldn't she know that he wouldn't do this? It didn't make sense to me, but I just accepted it. I wasn't sure how she'd get in touch with me anyway.

I wasn't worried, not a bit; really, I wasn't. Rumours happen in schools, obviously, things get said etc, for whatever reason people start things. So, like I said, I wasn't worried... until just a couple minutes ago.

One of my good friends, Emily, just called. Ya know? "How's it goin?" blah blah. We don't talk much so I wondered why she called me. It didn't occur to me why until she said, "the reason I'm calling is because I heard something today." Then I knew it, but wasn't that worried yet. I'm just like sweet, it spread over this 2,600 student body. Woop-dee-doo. Then she's telling me how she talked to Kim, his good friend, and how she was saying that he's been cheating on me all along, but she didn't think it was her place to say anything, but it's gotten out of hand or something like this. I pretended not to be worried as I added her email address back to my MSN, but I was. But, she seems like a decent girl (I've met her a couple times) and I see no motivation for her to make crap up. She has a boyfriend, so mine says, and has never been flirtly around mine, when I've been there anywho. What scared me is the "all along" part. He's been cheating all along. What the hell? Last night he asked me if I fully trusted him.... we ask each other random questions often, so it wasn't anything new... especially after the "romour" and I was like "well, yeah, I do." not completely sure of myself, but confident enough. There's no way he's been cheating, but what's all the shit with Kim, then? Ahh, stupid, stupid, stupid...... I'm so confused.... I'm going to email Kim right now... even though it's weird I have to get details, and she knows him well.

I need advice! I've never been in this boat before.... can anyone help me out?

Sarah
1,957 views 15 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hi BigDreamer,

Let me tell you, before you go and do anything, make sure that you have proof. Because if you accuse him of cheating, and he didn't, your relationship will end right there and then. My suggestion is to approach Carla and ask her. Even if she lies, you can usually tell by the way that they answer you.

After you have conclusive proof of cheating or not cheating, the choice is yours on what you do with it.

Good Luck
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
Yeah, this has happened to me before. Just make sure you have definite proof before you make a choice. Maybe you can get to know Kim a little better and then have her maybe spy on your bf. I know that's not right to do that to him, but just an idea. If you do find that he's cheating on you then I would advise dumping him, because you don't want to get yourself into a big mess and get hurt. Like I said, it's happened to me, and it's not good. It feels awful. I hope my advice is usful.

Unitll next time,
~carebear~
Siege of Centauri
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
"My suggestion is to approach Carla and ask her. Even if she lies, you can usually tell by the way that they answer you."
Too bad I have no idea who "Carla" is... yeah, we'll see what happens. I don't think he did cheat though... thanks for the advice

Carebear~ Thanks for your advice as well. If he is cheating on me, he's definetely gone!

Sarah
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
If you can't trust this guy enough to tell you whether or not he's seeing someone else then you shouldn't be with him in the first place. A good relationship needs trust, and sounds like you've got some BIG trust issues that you need to work out before you're going to be able to get as close to someone as you'd like.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
BIG trust issues? Maybe... I was thinking about it earlier, but I can't figure out why. It's not like I've been cheated on in the past, really. Maybe I've seen people be hurt by it and I'm just freaked out. We don't go to the same school, and so I don't really see him there. Should I really not be with him? I don't know. I guess he has cheated like a year ago, but that was WITH me, basically. But I really thought he changed... that's probably where my trust issue comes in, actually. I mean, if he'll do it to her, why don't he do it to me? Unless he really has changed. That was well over a year ago, so I think I need to let it go, unless of course, like Erofee said, I have proof, which I don't think I will..... wow... letting go is really really hard. I'm not that open or trusting of a person to start with. hmm...

Sarah
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't think Proof is the final answer to this. I don't think you're ever going to be satisfied in this relationship if you're constantly questioning whether you're being cheated on. Even if you find out for sure that he isn't now you started your relationship with this guy on the basis of him cheating on someone else with you......I think you need to carefully look at those circumstances and determine if this is the kind of guy that can provide a committed relationship that seem to desire.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top

I have seen this before.

First off, he told you that the rumor was going around so that you wouldn't call him out on it when you heard it from somebody else.  (Does "he doth protest too much" mean anything to you?)  If this girl, Kim, is really a good friend of his, why would she say something that wasn't true?

You don't go to school with him.  You don't hear everything or see everything.  It's pretty typical for these types of guys to do this.  They have a "girlfriend" who they know won't be around all the time (like the bon fire that this happened after) then they will hook up with other women behind her back because she will never be around to really *prove* anything.

The bottom line- you already said that you didn't think he was trustworthy in the past.  You don't know if you can trust him now.  Don't be fooled by the "sweet" things that he says.  If you don't trust him, run away.  Find somebody else.  Life is too short to waste it with people that you don't trust.  If he cheated once (which you know he did because it was with you) why would you think that he wouldn't do it to you?

Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hey Karma, thanks for the advice... I think I do have trust issues though, because he's been straight up with me for a while now, and I think I need to let the past go... I have a feeling that Kim, his good friend, is with him a lot of the time when I don't see him, and I trust her... because after this happened she told me and I really respected that... but let me just paste this email she sent last night.

"Sarah~
I firstly need to apologize for what happened. My friend, Carla, lied to me about her and Scott having sex. She was mad at me and didn't know what to say or do, so she made that up. I didn't find out she was lying until after I had told Emily. I called Scott the minute I found out she lied to apologize. Luckly, Scott forgave me because as you know he's a great guy and is never mad at anyone!! Nothing else has ever happened between Scott and another girl, Carla made that stuff up too. I'm extremely sorry for what has happened and I hope you aren't too mad at me. Well I guess that's all, talk to you later.
~Kim "

Wow, talk about mature people, huh? I guess I shouldn't have gone trippin' over something that didn't have substantial "proof" and what not. I wish I knew this Carla chick because I would chew her out so badly... I'm sure if I really wanted I could get her email address or somethin' from Kim, but I'm not sure I should do that. It would make ME feel better, but I think I should just let this go as well.

Thanks for all the advice people... I appreciate it.

Sarah
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
I agree, Muggaz... I think this girl just hasn't gotten out of her junior high stage. If you were referring to me, then I have nothing to say in contest. Thanks for stoppin' by!

~Sarah
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
All chick's Sarah... all of them

ur alright

BAM!!!
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
'all along' is too ominous and you DID say he's untrustworthy....his telling you about the rumor can go both ways. If I cheated I'd say that as well. But I never did back then...or now so far...just don't get your feelings go to far with him now....
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
Thanks, Muggaz

Todd, I said he WAS untrustworthy. Quoting Kim, " Nothing else has ever happened between Scott and another girl..." She has no reason to lie, and I think she's around him a lot of the time I'm not... I let it go... whatever, Muggaz is right, chicks are weird! But then again, so are you males, in different ways. Girls are just stupid.

~Sarah
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
"Nothing else has ever happened between Scott and another girl."
then problem solved right there! He's not cheating. But why the uncertainty then?
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
The uncertianty was before I got that email. Also, I think Suspeckted was right about trust issues... but I'm working on that.

Sarah