"Sucky Losers Not Allowed"
Theme Of The Day
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
Today's one of those days when I want to hang that Happy Bunny sign outside my door.
I don't need to, though, because no one visits me. I'm actually glad of that right now. I don't need to use any of my limited energy to go to the damn door and pick up that damn sign and hang it up. Thank God.
I just don't want to talk to anyone today. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to hear anyone's voice, except for the voices that are singing on my iTunes and realplayer. No one else. No teachers. No friends, no family, no classmates, no enemies, no exes. None of the above.
Last night as I was lying in bed, I was evaluating my daily routine. It was summarized as thus: feel like shit, feel okay, feel like shit, sleep, feel like shit, feel okay, feel like shit, sleep, feel like shit, feel okay, feel like shit, sleep. It's come down to that. Nothing else. Eat, drink, study, none of those things are even noticeable. Not even the music is noticeable anymore. It's all feeling and sleeping. I guess that's not such a bad thing, except I'd much rather just sleep and not feel at all....
That's a sign of depression isn't it? So is crying. I cry sometimes. I cry when I think about Matt and Moy. That's about it though. Not when I think of how fucked up shit is between "me and Ben" which of course, don't worry anyone there IS no shit between me and Ben, nothing that everyone doesn't already know. But it's still fucked up in my head.
A lot of things are fucked up in my head... Dreams, especially. I had one hell of a nightmare last night. I suppose it won't sound like one when you're reading it but oh man when I woke up and hit my head on the bar on my bed, was I tweaked out. I was waiting for Amber to pick me up so we could go get some alcohol and find a party... Some guy named Eddie called me and said there was a party out at his farm, which is funny because the only Ed I know never lived on a farm, he lived in town in Barnum. By the time I got in Amber's car it was 10:40 though and the liquor stores were closed, and we were pissed. And my fucking dad gave me a curfew of 1:00 as I walked out the door. I don't know why, but I think I was in trouble for something. Which is funny, since A) they don't give me a curfew since I'm 19 and am going to college and
if I get into trouble it's none of their business. We left, and April was with us, and we found a BUNCH of cars, on a big mound of ground in the middle of a swamp. My ex boyfriend was there and I was like, whatever and he was drunk, and wanted to make out with Lorelei. Who was also drunk, and puking. I don't think I was drunk... by the time we got there all the beer was gone except for the few people who had cans in their hands.
So I was sitting by Lor and my ex came up and I was like, I have to pee, and he was like, yeah go for like 15 minutes and was making this really annoying and gross "sexy" face at Lorelei and I just wanted to scream. So I wandered through the trees which were a funny golden color, and was finally far enough where I could pee and no one would see me. Strange, but it was light out even at 11 pm. Then this girl I used to be friends with came up and we saw this really old book that was called Disney's History of Moose Lake. Haha like Walt Disney would have written a history of ML!! I didn't end up peeing, either... So my old friend and I walked back through the forest and there was this shed, actually it was a bathroom in the middle of the woods, and my ex saw me, and because he was so drunk he didn't realize he had seen me before and he came running up to me like hell and was about to kick the shit out of me when Theo came and dragged him back. I was scared, so I snuck in the window of the bathroom and hid in there shaking like hell.
A bunch of other dumb shit happened, and I was standing outside asking my ex if he had been the one to call and say there was a party at Eddie's farm, because he was the only one there I knew that had my number, and he was like, FUCK NO I WOULD NEVER FUCKIN DIAL YOUR FUCKIN NUMBER and then Matt was there, and was like, No, I called you, and speaking of which I have to find your number in my backpack again.
Funny, you know. Matt being dead and all...
I can't handle Scott. I mean it. I can't handle him talking to me. When I see him, I just want to kick him!! I can't handle him stuttering around me, I can't handle him waiting for me to catch up with him or running after me to catch up with me, I can't handle him making small talk, I can't handle hearing him talk at all. I just want to tell him that I don't want to be friends with him! I have enough friends, I don't need more. I want someone who will be something more than a friend. I want to tell him to stop looking at me, stop sitting by me, stop saying my name. I HATE it when he says my name, it's like nails on a chalk board. It makes me... augh it makes me miserable. I just want to scream at him!!!
Why won't he just leave me alone so I don't have to fall any further for him????
Why does he have to flirt, touch, act like he likes me when he has a girlfriend and doesn't fucking like me and for all I know doesn't even want to be my friend? Well he does. It's just driving me crazy.
That's it. I'm going crazy. I really am!! I can't even handle hearing people talk. How fucked up is that? Jeez if I had a needle...
Well never mind. I'm seriously going nuts though.
I don't need to, though, because no one visits me. I'm actually glad of that right now. I don't need to use any of my limited energy to go to the damn door and pick up that damn sign and hang it up. Thank God.
I just don't want to talk to anyone today. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to hear anyone's voice, except for the voices that are singing on my iTunes and realplayer. No one else. No teachers. No friends, no family, no classmates, no enemies, no exes. None of the above.
Last night as I was lying in bed, I was evaluating my daily routine. It was summarized as thus: feel like shit, feel okay, feel like shit, sleep, feel like shit, feel okay, feel like shit, sleep, feel like shit, feel okay, feel like shit, sleep. It's come down to that. Nothing else. Eat, drink, study, none of those things are even noticeable. Not even the music is noticeable anymore. It's all feeling and sleeping. I guess that's not such a bad thing, except I'd much rather just sleep and not feel at all....
That's a sign of depression isn't it? So is crying. I cry sometimes. I cry when I think about Matt and Moy. That's about it though. Not when I think of how fucked up shit is between "me and Ben" which of course, don't worry anyone there IS no shit between me and Ben, nothing that everyone doesn't already know. But it's still fucked up in my head.
A lot of things are fucked up in my head... Dreams, especially. I had one hell of a nightmare last night. I suppose it won't sound like one when you're reading it but oh man when I woke up and hit my head on the bar on my bed, was I tweaked out. I was waiting for Amber to pick me up so we could go get some alcohol and find a party... Some guy named Eddie called me and said there was a party out at his farm, which is funny because the only Ed I know never lived on a farm, he lived in town in Barnum. By the time I got in Amber's car it was 10:40 though and the liquor stores were closed, and we were pissed. And my fucking dad gave me a curfew of 1:00 as I walked out the door. I don't know why, but I think I was in trouble for something. Which is funny, since A) they don't give me a curfew since I'm 19 and am going to college and
if I get into trouble it's none of their business. We left, and April was with us, and we found a BUNCH of cars, on a big mound of ground in the middle of a swamp. My ex boyfriend was there and I was like, whatever and he was drunk, and wanted to make out with Lorelei. Who was also drunk, and puking. I don't think I was drunk... by the time we got there all the beer was gone except for the few people who had cans in their hands. So I was sitting by Lor and my ex came up and I was like, I have to pee, and he was like, yeah go for like 15 minutes and was making this really annoying and gross "sexy" face at Lorelei and I just wanted to scream. So I wandered through the trees which were a funny golden color, and was finally far enough where I could pee and no one would see me. Strange, but it was light out even at 11 pm. Then this girl I used to be friends with came up and we saw this really old book that was called Disney's History of Moose Lake. Haha like Walt Disney would have written a history of ML!! I didn't end up peeing, either... So my old friend and I walked back through the forest and there was this shed, actually it was a bathroom in the middle of the woods, and my ex saw me, and because he was so drunk he didn't realize he had seen me before and he came running up to me like hell and was about to kick the shit out of me when Theo came and dragged him back. I was scared, so I snuck in the window of the bathroom and hid in there shaking like hell.
A bunch of other dumb shit happened, and I was standing outside asking my ex if he had been the one to call and say there was a party at Eddie's farm, because he was the only one there I knew that had my number, and he was like, FUCK NO I WOULD NEVER FUCKIN DIAL YOUR FUCKIN NUMBER and then Matt was there, and was like, No, I called you, and speaking of which I have to find your number in my backpack again.
Funny, you know. Matt being dead and all...
I can't handle Scott. I mean it. I can't handle him talking to me. When I see him, I just want to kick him!! I can't handle him stuttering around me, I can't handle him waiting for me to catch up with him or running after me to catch up with me, I can't handle him making small talk, I can't handle hearing him talk at all. I just want to tell him that I don't want to be friends with him! I have enough friends, I don't need more. I want someone who will be something more than a friend. I want to tell him to stop looking at me, stop sitting by me, stop saying my name. I HATE it when he says my name, it's like nails on a chalk board. It makes me... augh it makes me miserable. I just want to scream at him!!!
Why won't he just leave me alone so I don't have to fall any further for him????
Why does he have to flirt, touch, act like he likes me when he has a girlfriend and doesn't fucking like me and for all I know doesn't even want to be my friend? Well he does. It's just driving me crazy.
That's it. I'm going crazy. I really am!! I can't even handle hearing people talk. How fucked up is that? Jeez if I had a needle...
Well never mind. I'm seriously going nuts though.
