Marital Communication

Couples who can't talk to each other

from JoeUser Forums

     Although my readers may not agree, I personally find that I am much more eloquent as a writer than as a speaker. This becomes painfully obvious when I speak to someone on the phone. Once I am deprived of the time to think out my statements beforehand I become a taciturn twit (the vocab is in homage to Dan K.). When you couple this with the removal of body language and other non-verbal cues I would normally receive in a face to face conversation I become positively autistic! This of course drives my wife, (who I love dearly and am eternally grateful for), absolutely batshit. She hides it well, but my phone conversations must be like talking to a brick wall for her.


     I wonder if this is gender-based? While there are certainly men out there who can gab for hours on the phone and women who are socially awkward in the same situations, these people are the exception and not the rule (wow my first blog stereotype... Mom would be so proud) Women seem to naturally gravitate towards remote communication avenues. Everything from snail mail, cell phones, online chat, to holiday cards are meat for the female communications buffet table. Men on the other hand react to remote communications like a Brahmin to a leper. Our phone conversations with our closest friends could most often be quantified in seconds of duration. We dont even like to email!

     Oddly the blogosphere is an exception here. Blogging seems to be dominated by men. I have found in the very short amount of time I have spent setting this blog up that I feel none of the almost instinctual aversion to communications I have struggled with in other mediums. Maybe I have found my mantra after all?

Blog...ohm...Blog...ohm...Blog...ohm...

Greywar

P.S. I guess I have to let my wife and family know about the blog. I think they might be miffed that I prefer this method of staying "in touch". Nonetheless I love them. (P.S. stands fo pretty sappy in this case i suppose... uggh)

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Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
Because of our current living circumstance, my husband and I are reduced to the phone or Instant Messaging as means of communication (he's in the military, stationed in the Arctic for a year whilst the kids and I have to stay in the States).

We do reasonably well on the phone, but IM-ing just doesn't work for us. Much like you, I have difficulty understanding where he's coming from at times because I can't hear the tone and inflection in his voice. Hence, we don't IM much anymore.

Professionally, I really don't like talking to people over the phone. I've been taught to always interview someone face to face, only using a telephone interview as an absolute last resort. People give away more information than they realize with their facial expressions and body language..I know it made me stop and look at all the little things I do that might give what I'm REALLY thinking and feeling away.

Blogging is cathartic, isn't it!? Dave (my husband) reads my blog...it helps him get a better understanding of what I'm thinking and feeling - stuff we just can't tell each other down a telephone line.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm a female, and I hate hate hate telephones. That's a triple negative. Hehe

It's definately not gender based. Just ask Dan K :)....I'm autistic on the phone too.

As for blogging being dominated by males, I'm not sure your'e right, but I hope so. ONly a few of the females here interest me as much at the males, and it has nothing to do with attraction. The chicks are either too mushy or too....ummm.....feminist. *cough*Urban*cough*

"absolutely batshit"

That made me laugh out loud. I think I'll still that phrase. :)

Trinitie
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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
ahem....steal, not still....

wouldn't let me correct it. :(

Trinitie
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
dharma - Our separate living situation is also a military thing. Thankfully it is not an *overseas* military thing such as yours. Stationed in the Arctic? damn! and I thought Korea sucked (not really I love the Han-pan-do) IM'ing has not been very good for us either, also primarily due to my inability to use it fluently. It is really nice to hear the opposite genders point of view....

new-age the opposite point of view is also why I tend to read women's blogs a bit more than men's. They are just fewer in number as a percentage I think. Those women who do write tend to be quite prolific however.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Oh cool, another military person! Yep, Dave (my husband) is at Thule AB, Greenland for a year on a remote assignment. He's an AF cop. Where are you at? (if you can tell, that is).

Funnily enough we just got done IM-ing...it went quite well, for a change.
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
Happily, I have not been away from my hubby for more than a week at a time since we have been married. I do, however hate talking on the phone for the most part. I can talk with my hubby, sister or Mom but I have trouble with others. One of my favorite cousins-in-law is a good example. We get along fabulously in person but just don't click on the phone. She is very soft spoken and we tend to talk over each other because I think our timing of thought is too alike.

My dad has always been like a brick wall on the phone. Getting a sentence out of him was like pulling teeth. He was all, "yep" and "uh huh" with a lot of dead air in between. He is a little easier to talk to on the phone since he has been retired. He is quiet and laid back in person. Very easy to have a conversation with. He has an expressive face and a dry sense of humor. I haven't met anyone who dislikes my dad but one could easily think he disliked them on the phone.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
I am here at Ft. Hood and havebeen for around 4 years now, did a lot of time in Korea before that. My wife is out East and not enjoying it out there:)
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
I have friends at Ft Hood! He's an AF CATM instructor who got put out there for some strange reason.....

Dave volunteered to go remote to Greenland for 2 reasons: #1 he's a lifer and we knew he'd have to go remote at some point...neither of us really wanted him to go to Korea, so we rolled the dice and came up with orders to Thule. #2 We've been at our current duty station (Ellsworth AFB, SD) for 9, yep, 9 years and we've been passed over for orders twice. We knew if Dave took a remote assignment we'd get follow-on orders...and we did, to England, back to the same base we came here from. I'm happy about it, I'm British and my family lives a little over an hour away from where we're going to be stationed at. So, this August we're leaving!!! Yay!!!!
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Wow, aside from your hubby's current station, I am once again reminded of how different the Air Force is from the Army:) No I am not engaging in that inter-force rivalry thing or whatever, but the AF definately has another set of priorities when it comes to assignments:)
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
How? I'm not being snotty, I'm genuinely interested.

I think that his career field had a lot to do with it...he's the military equivalent of a detective and they're few and far between up here.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
Dharmagrl - I think the differences on AF and Army personnel management will be addressed in a article i just decided to write. It shoudl be up in the next day or so. There is just too much explaining to do in a comment.
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
Cool, I'll look forward to it!
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top
A friend of mine (*cough* pseudosoldier *cough*ahem*)gave me a bit of good natured grief about this article having "turned into an estrogen fest". Perhaps he simply didn't have the minerals to post a comment himself?:)
Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
I think that might be true...he's probably just ascared of the smart, witty, strong, gorgeous women on here. Tell him we don't bite (unless he wants us to, that is)..so come on a post a comment...!
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
Uncomfortable around strong women? Me?
*cough*
Well, to put my comments to Greywar into more polite terms: it does seem that the estrogen is a bit thick in here. Of the people who have responded to this article, you've got me (after prompting twice), your SO, and three women. Now, honestly, this may back up some of the points you made in your article (importance/ease of communication by gender). Regardless, there it is.
Reply #17 from JoeUser Forums Top
Communication is something that women are interested in. I think that a lot of people hate the telephone and others love it. I like to talk to female friends on the telephone but there aren't many men who can talk comfortably on the phone. That being said, my daughters' hate to speak on the phone. Although I miss non verbal clues, tone of voice and other cues come through, so I find that I can learn a lot about a stranger through the telephone.

Communication not only conveys ideas and information but feelings. I think men often use their physical presence as a way of communicating their toughness. The telephone takes away that physical size difference and so only gruffness can convey toughness. Anyway, letters and e-mail, and telephone calls beat not being able to communicate when you are apart.
Reply #18 from JoeUser Forums Top
I've never liked talking on the phone much.  I rather go do something than talk on the phone.  My husband used to be in the "merchant marines"  (which is really a funny phrase because people think that it is part of the armed forces, where as the only connection at all is that they are governed by the Coasties).  But, when he was sailing, we had a hard time.  This was before cell phones, and he was out on a freighter.  Instant chat wasn't around yet.  We had phone booth phones and letters.  Talking to him on the phone is like talking to a brick wall.  Luckily, he decided to get a job on land, so we don't have to worry about the distance anymore.  A couple that consists of two people who don't like to talk on the phone have a bit of a communication gap in a distance relationship