My Parenting Flaws

Just another day in the life

from JoeUser Forums
Normally when I get up in the morning it's because my son nags me to get up. He doesn't understand that when he sees sunshine in the morning, all I see is gray. Every day. For fifteen years.

But that's nothing new, and I don't usually dwell on it apart from the gloom that dictates every thought and feeling I have. And it's not my son's problem, it's mine.

But it's quickly becoming his problem too.

On a rare morning like today I get up before he does, eager for him to wake up so that we can have a perfect day together. I had breakfast planned, ready to get him dressed. The basics to some people are monumental achievements to me.

But because my son isn't accustomed to what a normal morning should be like, he fights and screeeeeeeeams at the mere suggestion of breakfast or getting dressed.

I was chipper. But now here I am, not wanting to push any normal thing on him because I know he will fight it. And he will scream bloody murder if I suggest something simple like getting dressed. Frankly I'm not in the mood for witnessing a screaming temper tantrum. Or for feeling the guilt of having caused such misery in my child. (What's so hard about getting dressed and eating breakfast?! Does that make me a child abuser?!)

Such an outburst from him is guaranteed to turn me instantly from Snow White into the Evil Stepmother. And then he will think I'm such an unfair person, just like I hated my own mother for being a witch and not understanding me.

So rather than losing my temper at his toddler tantrum, I left the room. The perfect morning I had looked forward to was ruined in less than 2 minutes.

As I've written he's calmed down a bit, so here I go. Motherhood, take two.... BREEEEEATHE...... It doesnt' have to be a perfect day. Just productive, educational, and bearable....I can do this....
1,355 views 7 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top

Who's the parent in this situation, Angela?  You, or him? 

I KNOW that there are days when you don't feel like dealing with his screaming, but if you don't deal with it soon, you're going to be listening to temper tantrums and screaming for the rest the time he's living at home with you. 

YOU are the parent.  Take control of the situation, and don't give in to him.

Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top

"Motherhood, take two.... BREEEEEATHE...... It doesnt' have to be a perfect day"

and that statement there is definetely insightful! 

With my son one thing that is good for both of us is just a simple hug. 

I used to keep a gratitude journal,  I'm not too busy to do that,  yet found that I do appreciate life and people,  it's just not as easy to find the joy in it. 

Sometimes a walk,  looking a leaves, flowers, examining their delicacy,  can bring joy. 

I detest getting up now just because of chronic pain,  so it goes with depression,  getting up is difficult.

"So rather than losing my temper at his toddler tantrum, I left the room. The perfect morning I had looked forward to was ruined in less than 2 minutes."

You did the absolutely best thing possible!  it sure wasn't ruined,  cause you knew what to do   was that instinct? or experience?  very good choice.

I've learned that when kids act out like that,  it's because we're doing something different, from the routine,  and they aren't able to cope with the change so they do the screaming, or misbehaving. 

Hang in there,  you're very intune with yourself and are self-aware

Offworld Trading Company
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top

There's no such thing as a perfect parent.  We all excel in some aspects and fall short in others.  You have the added challenge of battling your depression.  But you need to look at it as just that, a challenge.  It doesn't mean you throw in the towel.

Kids our son's age thrive on routine and consistency.  If he is used to dragging you out in the morning, you probably threw him for a loop.  Making a change of any kind is going to be difficult initially but kids adjust faster than you think.  I think you would both benefit by making breakfast in the morning together a routine.

Any time that you have expectations for a "perfect" anything, you are going to fall short and feel dissappointment.  I think that was the first problem.  With toddlers you have to take one step at a time and if you have a blueprint in your mind of how the whole day will go, you're going to be unhappy with how things turn out because preschoolers rarely play according to plan.  They have their own illogical plans that you can't foresee.  I think learning to go with the flow and adapt your plans is the key to happiness.

Are you on any medication?  Waking up to gloom every day is not normal and it sounds like you really need help.  Little ones can make you feel like you're losing your mind even when you are perfectly healthy in every way.

Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
And I can exhale now that it's naptime. Yay.

So I vented this morning. I wasn't really fishing for advice, but I do appreciate your thoughtful comments. When I went back to him I had taken some deep breaths, did a little thinking, and was able to patiently and creatively turn the situation into a happy one for us both. We had a lovely morning at the park after breakfast, and yes, he was fully clothed.

Parenting a toddler isn't my definition of a dream job, but then again I've never had a job I can honestly say I liked. Work is supposed to suck, but it's always worth the effort somewhere along the way.

Are you on any medication?
I need to remember to cover every aspect of my mental health issues before I open myself up to comments like this. Yes, I've tried meds. I've tried six of them. Antidepressants make me bipolar, and bipolar medications make me break out in a heinous rash that can be deadly if it spreads above the neck. Psychotherapy? Tried it. They prescribe something that doesn't work and/ or tell me I'm fine.

So I go on living the best I can. And I vent occasionally.

My son will grow up all right somehow. It takes a village to raise a child, so thank goodness he will have other people to help him along his path in addition to the massive efforts I make every single day.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top

So I go on living the best I can. And I vent occasionally.

I think in some cases this is really all you can do, and I'm glad you feel that JoeUser is a place you can come to for your venting. I find enormous amounts of exercise can help a great deal if you have the time (although who does?). I suppose my only real comment here is "I'm reading and hang in there".

Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top

I need to remember to cover every aspect of my mental health issues before I open myself up to comments like this.


I'm sorry if I hit a nerve and had the best intentions. I can't imagine struggling with that sort of feeling every day. I'm sorry you haven't found any help in the medical dept. and I can't say that I have any faith in psychiatry myself.

I am told I am an unusually stable person (especially for a woman) yet I have felt like screaming and pulling my hair out over parenting related issues before. I can't claim to begin to understand what it must be like to deal with those things on top of depressive problems. I can sympathize though.

Like I said, there's no such thing as a perfect parent and I bet there are things that you excel at in parenting that you don't even realize that will help your little one flourish in ways you can't foresee.

Best wishes.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
I'm sorry if I hit a nerve and had the best intentions.
No worries. Sorry if my response seemed a bit snappy. I try not to place too much emphasis on that aspect of my life because self-pity is counterproductive. But it means a lot to me when someone expresses genuine concern. Thanks.

I am told I am an unusually stable person (especially for a woman)


I remember reading that about you in one of your articles, and I had to hold back from commenting how much I envy that. Such a comment wouldn't have fit the flow of that thread though.

It's good to hear from you Debbie. And Karen. And Trudy. And Cordelia Thanks.