Peacemaker
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JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
I haven't been at JU for a whopping FIVE days! That's a record for me lately. Wanna know why? It's springtime and I feel alive, no longing to be near the computer. But right now my son is taking a nap, so here I am again. One of many highlights that I want to write about started on Sunday. I wrote some pretty weird stuff on JU early Sunday morning, then went to church.
On the way there we were sitting in silence, my husband, little boy in his car seat & me. We sit in silence when we drive because the radio irritates me, and usually any conversation that we have while in the car results in bickering. So as usual, we sat in silence.
John decided that he wanted some music so he hit "play" on the CD player. We both knew what was loaded in there: 5 church music discs. I told him, "NO, I don't want to hear that." He asked me why and I told him something along the line of, "I've heard them millions of times and when I'm not in the right mindset those songs really grate on my nerves." I haven't been in the right mindset for a long long time, but I keep those discs loaded because that's where I ultimately want my heart to be.
So we sat in silence for a couple more moments, then I said, ".....Oh, all right...." then hit play.
A song came on with a child singing. (The Children's Songbook.) It affected me almost instantly. Beautiful feelings began to wash over me. All the anger and the ugliness in my life was being tended to, nursed away. Encouragement, love, and hope took its place.
Driving to church on a beautiful Sunday morning was exactly where God wanted me. So many times I've made contrary decisions, but here was God loving me as I made one valiant stride in the right direction.
It brought to mind a gal I knew ten years ago in college (she was in college; I wasn't)...she loved the church but was walking a dangerous line. She was beautiful so men wanted her, and she wanted them. She even slept with a married man once. Her deeds weighed heavily on her conscience because she really wanted to live a clean life, to be at peace with herself and God. I remember one day in her apartment she was in a resolute mood to set her life straight, her hands were shaking as she put her tithing together into an envelope, filled out the slip, sealed the envelope, and placed a stamp onto it.
She was shaking.
As this random memory came to my mind, I felt God's immense love for her. Here she was taking a step in the right direction, and it might have been a very difficult step for her. He embraced her with love and He will never forget that moment when she wanted to set things straight. He would guide her toward the life she wished to live. And she eventually did make it to her peace-filled life, in a round-about way.
So there we were travelling to church, listening to these beautiful songs. It was as if I was hearing them for the first time, yet already knowing them so well I soaked in their meaning thoroughly. I looked as far away out the passenger window so my husband wouldn't see my tears. We don't discuss emotions very well, and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. But it felt so good to me to FEEL something for once.
Sacrament meeting was filled with a sweet spirit. This was fast & testimony meeting...there are some meetings that seem to take forever because for whatever reason no one is saying anything meaningful, kids are going up there and babbling off the same rehearsed stuff (how do kids all over the world end up saying the same things in the same rhythm as though they're reciting the Pledge of Allegiance?! My children will not do that. I'll teach them better.) But this meeting was a good one. My son was even remarkably well-behaved. I'm confident that he felt the sweet Spirit too.
It was one of those Sundays when many people were too nervous once they got to the microphone to say everything in their heart that brought them up there in the first place, but the tears and the emotions were real. I was still choking back tears of relief, tears coming from a sense of finally coming home. Although my heart was pounding and I had some wonderful thoughts on my mind, I did not stand up to share them because I would have been a blubbering mess had I done so.
In Relief Society our teacher discussed being a Peacemaker. We started by making a list of our Savior's attributes. That is a beautiful thing in and of itself, but it troubled me because I knew where we were headed with this. Like Christ, we all need to concentrate on being humble, patient, faithful, charitable, and there were about twenty other attributes that the class contributed to the list. So I listened as the discussion ensued.
Among many things we discussed, here are some that stand out in my mind:
Refrain from finding fault with our spouses & children. I soaked that one in and visualized going an entire day without picking my husband apart.
Don't throw fuel onto a fire; Put the fires out instead. Hmm...why do I seem to thrive on setting fires? I realized that it didn't make me feel good, and I know that my husband & son are made miserable by it too. I don't even realize I'm setting fires to our relationship...it just seems to be the way things are. So I chased that picture away and visualized being loving instead of vindictive, and responding to any existing fires with love.
Show love to our spouses so that our children will learn the true meaning of love. At this one I couldn't help but to whisper to my neighbor who was being equally silent as I.... cynically I told her, "My son thinks that a kick in the shin is a sign of love." She smirked, then whispered back a confession that her children are constantly bickering and she knows she needs to work harder to teach them love. I think we were glad to get those little thoughts off our chest in the otherwise PERFECT setting we were in. Many of the other ladies were passionately sharing experiences in which they've learned to channel anger into love, sibling quarrels into friendships, etc.
On Tuesday little Michael & I went to do some grocery shopping. At this particular store they guilt trip you into requesting paper bags instead of plastic which really pisses me off because I personally recycle everything we use anyway...Doesn't everyone prefer plastic bags? They've got handles, are re-useable...plus I have a three-year-old who still demands to be carried everywhere, making paper bags impossible to carry. On our way to the car with the assistance of the bagboy who I'm required to tip, the bagboy (OK so he was at least 60 years old) told me that it's OK to ask for plastic bags if I really need them, seeing as I had a heavy child in my arms. I thanked him for his empathetic advice, we talked a bit more, then Michael & I were off to go home.
Unpacking the groceries I saw something scrawled in blue ink on the outside of one of the bags:
Studying it for a moment, I realized that had the artist shifted the word "maker" up one step, the result would have been in the shape of a cross.
I found it beautifully significant, and couldn't help but to see it as a little sign of "Thanks" from above, or probably more as a reminder. Yes, this week has been going smoothly. I haven't even needed to concentrate on being more loving...things have just fallen into place because my heart is struggling to be in the right place, right there with my Savior who I can walk with on my journey. I've made a few mistakes -- a huge one yesterday -- but I'm still struggling to be better.
On the way there we were sitting in silence, my husband, little boy in his car seat & me. We sit in silence when we drive because the radio irritates me, and usually any conversation that we have while in the car results in bickering. So as usual, we sat in silence.
John decided that he wanted some music so he hit "play" on the CD player. We both knew what was loaded in there: 5 church music discs. I told him, "NO, I don't want to hear that." He asked me why and I told him something along the line of, "I've heard them millions of times and when I'm not in the right mindset those songs really grate on my nerves." I haven't been in the right mindset for a long long time, but I keep those discs loaded because that's where I ultimately want my heart to be.
So we sat in silence for a couple more moments, then I said, ".....Oh, all right...." then hit play.
A song came on with a child singing. (The Children's Songbook.) It affected me almost instantly. Beautiful feelings began to wash over me. All the anger and the ugliness in my life was being tended to, nursed away. Encouragement, love, and hope took its place.
Driving to church on a beautiful Sunday morning was exactly where God wanted me. So many times I've made contrary decisions, but here was God loving me as I made one valiant stride in the right direction.
It brought to mind a gal I knew ten years ago in college (she was in college; I wasn't)...she loved the church but was walking a dangerous line. She was beautiful so men wanted her, and she wanted them. She even slept with a married man once. Her deeds weighed heavily on her conscience because she really wanted to live a clean life, to be at peace with herself and God. I remember one day in her apartment she was in a resolute mood to set her life straight, her hands were shaking as she put her tithing together into an envelope, filled out the slip, sealed the envelope, and placed a stamp onto it.
She was shaking.
As this random memory came to my mind, I felt God's immense love for her. Here she was taking a step in the right direction, and it might have been a very difficult step for her. He embraced her with love and He will never forget that moment when she wanted to set things straight. He would guide her toward the life she wished to live. And she eventually did make it to her peace-filled life, in a round-about way.
So there we were travelling to church, listening to these beautiful songs. It was as if I was hearing them for the first time, yet already knowing them so well I soaked in their meaning thoroughly. I looked as far away out the passenger window so my husband wouldn't see my tears. We don't discuss emotions very well, and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. But it felt so good to me to FEEL something for once.
Sacrament meeting was filled with a sweet spirit. This was fast & testimony meeting...there are some meetings that seem to take forever because for whatever reason no one is saying anything meaningful, kids are going up there and babbling off the same rehearsed stuff (how do kids all over the world end up saying the same things in the same rhythm as though they're reciting the Pledge of Allegiance?! My children will not do that. I'll teach them better.) But this meeting was a good one. My son was even remarkably well-behaved. I'm confident that he felt the sweet Spirit too.
It was one of those Sundays when many people were too nervous once they got to the microphone to say everything in their heart that brought them up there in the first place, but the tears and the emotions were real. I was still choking back tears of relief, tears coming from a sense of finally coming home. Although my heart was pounding and I had some wonderful thoughts on my mind, I did not stand up to share them because I would have been a blubbering mess had I done so.
In Relief Society our teacher discussed being a Peacemaker. We started by making a list of our Savior's attributes. That is a beautiful thing in and of itself, but it troubled me because I knew where we were headed with this. Like Christ, we all need to concentrate on being humble, patient, faithful, charitable, and there were about twenty other attributes that the class contributed to the list. So I listened as the discussion ensued.
Among many things we discussed, here are some that stand out in my mind:
Refrain from finding fault with our spouses & children. I soaked that one in and visualized going an entire day without picking my husband apart.
Don't throw fuel onto a fire; Put the fires out instead. Hmm...why do I seem to thrive on setting fires? I realized that it didn't make me feel good, and I know that my husband & son are made miserable by it too. I don't even realize I'm setting fires to our relationship...it just seems to be the way things are. So I chased that picture away and visualized being loving instead of vindictive, and responding to any existing fires with love.
Show love to our spouses so that our children will learn the true meaning of love. At this one I couldn't help but to whisper to my neighbor who was being equally silent as I.... cynically I told her, "My son thinks that a kick in the shin is a sign of love." She smirked, then whispered back a confession that her children are constantly bickering and she knows she needs to work harder to teach them love. I think we were glad to get those little thoughts off our chest in the otherwise PERFECT setting we were in. Many of the other ladies were passionately sharing experiences in which they've learned to channel anger into love, sibling quarrels into friendships, etc.
On Tuesday little Michael & I went to do some grocery shopping. At this particular store they guilt trip you into requesting paper bags instead of plastic which really pisses me off because I personally recycle everything we use anyway...Doesn't everyone prefer plastic bags? They've got handles, are re-useable...plus I have a three-year-old who still demands to be carried everywhere, making paper bags impossible to carry. On our way to the car with the assistance of the bagboy who I'm required to tip, the bagboy (OK so he was at least 60 years old) told me that it's OK to ask for plastic bags if I really need them, seeing as I had a heavy child in my arms. I thanked him for his empathetic advice, we talked a bit more, then Michael & I were off to go home.
Unpacking the groceries I saw something scrawled in blue ink on the outside of one of the bags:
Studying it for a moment, I realized that had the artist shifted the word "maker" up one step, the result would have been in the shape of a cross.
I found it beautifully significant, and couldn't help but to see it as a little sign of "Thanks" from above, or probably more as a reminder. Yes, this week has been going smoothly. I haven't even needed to concentrate on being more loving...things have just fallen into place because my heart is struggling to be in the right place, right there with my Savior who I can walk with on my journey. I've made a few mistakes -- a huge one yesterday -- but I'm still struggling to be better.
