I just don't know how to answer?

I can understand how it would be uncomfortable, and even heartbreaking to have to tell people that. I suppose it would be easiest to tell the truth, it always is. Say you were pregnant but went into early labor and lost the baby girl. Don't worry about their discomfort, because the truth is always beautiful. Even if it hurts.

~Anne

It doesn't hurt me to tell them. I think about her all the time so it's what I think of first. I just hate causing discomfort to other people, or making people pity us.

I don't think people would pity you... I think they would feel sorrow for you, and want to be there, or at least hopefully they would! Don't worry about causing discomfort to people. I think it's moving that you would tell them. It's a very hard thing to go through. My aunt had a stillborn and we had a burial service for the little girl, and it was a big deal. It IS a big deal, and it's okay to tell people about it.

Don't worry how it affects others, worry about how it affects you!

Are you trying to have another child?

~Anne

We are leaving it up to God at this time. We are not going to go through infertility treatment at this time. It is too much. We plan on adopting in the next 5 years wether we get pregnant or not. We really want a baby, but we are still grieving in our own way. It is hard. I started listing all Jayden's clothes on ebay this week. It has been a good way for me to have some closure. Looking at all those little pink outfits were giving me false hope that she would come back, silly as that sounds.

We love our daughter, and now our relationship is just different. Our milestones are her birthday, her burial, placing her marker..... each step is hard but important.

I think the hardest part is people rude commoents.... "At least you didn't really know her". But we did. We had a bond, because she was part of me. I knew her from ultrasound pictures, I knew what foods she didnt like that mommy ate!! Holding her after the birth, I still felt all the love for her. I did know her.

BTW~ Anne thanks for the comments, It is nice to get advice. Thanks for letting me vent! : )

Don't worry about making others uncomfortable, that is their problem. I think of you as a mom, and Jay as a poppa. People who say the things that hurt, are doing so because of thier own ignoriance (I wish this had spell check) and lack of understanding at the connection you feel from the time you first know you are expecting. They just don't know what to say. It would be best if they would all learn to just say they are sorry for your loss and then shut up. Don't forget your other milestones and let Jayden's exsistance consume your relationship, or your whole exsistance either. And don't forget you are not alone in your pain and loss, reach out to the others who love Jayden also. Share with us.

I don't think I let her exsistance consume Jaysen and I's relationship, but she was and still is in a way, a big part of it, just as a child that was living would be. She has made us stronger, as people and as a couple. I never thought I would be able to handle the death of a child, but I have. So I take to heart the saying "Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me stronger."

I know I am not alone. I have a great family, with parents that loved and continue to love their first grand baby. I know they have grieved in their own way. It just is taking me a longer time.

You're welcome for giving advice. I know everyone needs to grieve, and vent. It's a process.

I wish you good luck on getting pregnant again, luckily you know it is possible. And God works in mysterious ways, if he doesn't give you another child, then maybe you are meant to adopt a wonderful child who will change your lives in all ways possible??

Be strong

~Anne

Anne~
I think we will adopt even if we have biological children. I think adoption is beautiful and wonderful, and my husband and I think it would be a nice way to add to our family one day.
Joey

YES, DO ADOPT!!!! I find it selfish of people to have more children when there are so many who need homes. It makes me really angry....mostly because of my jacked up childhood.

My mom signed up to have an abortion when she got pregnant with me (I was her 7th child). She and my father actually walked into the hospital and started the process of getting ready. Then, my dad had a change of heart. He told her he couldn't live with the guilt...and here I am.

It may not have anything to do with your story, but I figured this article deserved comment.

I'm sorry about your daughter, I'm sure she was beautiful.

Trinitie

Wow... Thanks for sharing that information... i feel your pain... I cant imagine anything worse than having a child of yours die... not very consoling i know, but you have increased stance on the Muggaz ladder quite substantially.

I kind of have the same problem... I never know what to say when people ask me about my father... If i say he died, they say sorry, and i cant stand that, because its not their fault!!!! And i dont know how to just tell them without making an issue of it.

I suppose its circumstantial... because i certainly have a Dad, and I cant say i dont have a dad... so i know how you must feel... but no one can tell you what to say!!!! Of course she lives on in your heart, and of course you had a child, and no one can ever take her spirit away from you... whether she is around or not.

Once again, thanks for sharing, its really special.

BAM!!!

Trinitie- Where you adopted? I only ask because I have heard different stories from adoptees on their perspective of being adopted. I am glad your father had a change of heart. I think (from what I have read about you) you are a beautiful spirit, and the world would be worse if their were not people like you. I also am a huge supporter of adoption. We were even before we had trouble having kids, I look at it that maybe it is God giving us more urging to adopt.

Muggaz~ Thank you for your words, what a sweet guy you are. I totally understand what you mean when people say "I'm sorry".You said " And i dont know how to just tell them without making an issue of it." That really hit on what I was trying to say, you just said it better. I want to tell people about my wonderful daughter, but I don' t want pity, just uderstanding.

Joey

Nope, not adopted. I was raised by the world really. Thanks for the compliment.

Trinitie

Geebus.. I gotta start being a little more insensitive on JU!!!!

I am dangerously at risk of being classed as a sweet guy!!!

I live to give!!!

BAM!!!

Muggaz- Gid forbid if that where to happen!!! : ) It is not to bad being a sweet guy if you can pull it off. Girls like that sort of thing!

Janders...

You dont want to get into this argument with me... I have the philosophy that chicks are their own worst enemies!!! I am sure you understand...

84^^!!!

Janders,
I worked with a woman on a school parent project. When I asked about her children, she included the one who had been killed. It did not make me feel uncomfortable, it just make me feel sad for her and helped me realize how death may take the child away from your presence, but not your heart. When I was writing a story on a woman who lost her child, I looked it up on the internet. Several people had websites dedicated to their dead child. My brother lost his first child and went on to have two more. He is very open about his baby. Some will feel uncomfortable, but that is their problem. You need to say that you had a baby, so tell the truth. After it becomes a habit, you won't worry anymore what people think.

Having lost two of my babies I know that God had something diffrent in mind for me. When I look at my three children I was able to keep I have no doubt that these three are the exact children I was meant to have and raise. No more, No less. I always wanted five children but I am sure that I could only handle going through the teen years three times

You know my above comment was just one of concern, not meant to wound. I burst with pride when I see the person you have become. Knowing more about you, I know first hand the diffuculties you have encountered and overcome. The few of us that are lucky enough to call you family enjoy being with you. In fact we would like to see more of you!

In my heart Jayden will always be my first Grand-baby. And you have joined the sisterhood of grieving mothers. I know someday you will also be spending your days chasing little ones around. I hope that God decides you can handle a ton of kids and that we end up with a big family of children of all cultures calling me Grandma.

I love you Jo.

Oh, I am in tears reading this. My heart aches for you so. I have two beautiful boys that I am thankful for every single moment. I can't imagine your pain. I have experienced the pain of miscarriage twice so I do have some idea of what you are going through. The first miscarriage happened at just past 3 months. Everyone we knew knew we were expecting. Of course the news of miscarriage doesn't carry as quickly and we were soon faced with questions from those who hadn't been in touch for a while.

It seemed so hard to tell people over and over again what had happened that when we got pregnant again, we thought it would be easier to just not tell people until we were reasonably certain everything would turn out fine. Well it didn't. I miscarried again at about 2 months. Noone, other than immediate family new I had been pregnant. This left me feeling so alone with my grief. I didn't tell people about the second miscarriage until after we were successful in having our second child.

You sound like a very strong person. Any child would be very fortunate to have you as their mother. I think telling people about your daughter is the best thing for all concerned. She is a part of who you are and people should learn that from you. You might find that people open up to you about things they wouldn't otherwise. For example, I have a dear friend going through the hell of fertility treatments right now. She seemed a lot more comfortable talking to me about what she is going through once I shared with her my experiences with miscarriage.

I ache for your loss and I wish you and your family the best for your future. Thank you for sharing your story.

Mom (gamma)- I know you did not mean it in a negative way. I know how much you and dad love Jayden, and how it is equally hard for you to be a support for me when I am grieving, and still grieve in your own way. I love you both so much, and couldn't ask for more supportive parents!

JillUser- Thank you for your kind words, I will be sure to keep your qoute, "Any child would be very fortunate to have you as their mother." and save it for the teen years, when everybody elses parents are "cooler" than me. : )

Sherye- I will work on being more open. I sometimes feel like I don't talk about her as a protection method. People can not say horrible, ignorant things about her or our loss, if they don't know about it.

It does not feel as if we will ever get over the pain. Sometimes it is easier to shut it out and (attempt) to remain strong. I cannot imagine life without the people I love, and life without Jayden is hard. To short of a time with her, too long of a time without her.

It's still hard.

We love you.

We always will.

We will see you one day.

Your Dad.

Muggaz, you are the sweet guy. You can't escape it.

Trinitie

Mr. Right~ I know its hard but we can do it togther. Jayden will always be our first born. I love you and her!